Many people come to me for advice… most often professional advice…
How do I move forward?
How do I get that next role?
How do I advance?
All of us want to PROGRESS… we want to move forward…
And, I try to help in whatever way I can…
But, there one limiter to my ability to help, one primary limiter to people’s ability to make progress…
THE LEVEL TO WHICH YOU CAN CONSTRUCTIVELY & MEANINGFULLY EMBRACE FEEDBACK!
There are many degrees and ways to succeed or fail at the line above…
The WORST way is DEFENSIVENESS… All of us adopt SOME level of this… TEFLON DON!
“What does he/she know anyway”
“Well that might be the case - but that was a really unusual project / day / circumstance”
“That’s just not TRUE”
Whatever the methodology - the result is the same… the feedback bounces off of you. We disprove the source or the situation in some way… in our minds the basic premise is “That is JUST NOT TRUE / ME”.
NOT only does this method create zero embracing with the potential to improve - MOST importantly it often shuts people down from ever attempting to give you feedback again!
2. Rationally GET IT! Emotionally EH… Not So Much!
This is possibly the most common thing I see. People WANT to be open to feedback, they really do! They hear the feedback, often play it back word for word, they say it, they think it… but they don’t accept it emotionally.
It is one thing to think and regurgitate what you can do better… it’s another to explore it… to INTERNALIZE it…
We don’t realize we are not “emotionally” committed to adopting the feedback - because we hear it and speak to it, we believe we are indeed engaging with it… but trust me… there is a difference.
3. Active Engagement With the Feedback! Digging Deeper.
So, if you do emotionally accept, I can do better. If you are able to truly navigate your EGO to HEARING the truth of the feedback… then you start exploring.
You ask questions about where people see the behavior… IMPORTANTLY, you start considering yourself where the behavior comes from, WHY it exists… and HOPEFULLY you start TRYING new things - adopting new behaviors… developing new skills and habits.
It is SO FREAKIN’ hard to change our behavior…
People ask me often what they need to do to PROGRESS… and in almost every case I feel like saying…
“What have people been telling you? What do you hear over and over again that you aren’t addressing?”
The truth is that ALL feedback can be deflected in some way based on one thing or another…
AND all feedback is based on some truth experienced by someone in their PERCEPTION of you…
You can only see yourself through your own lens…
I want to help others so very much… (and I want to help myself) make progress.
I work hard to help people understand the feedback they are receiving in a way that their ego can deal with it… can allow it to enter…
And, ultimately, we are very much who we are… and to make progress we must EVOLVE… without changing our stripes…
Often, we can’t shift our behavior fully to the desired behavior, but we can evolve it into a version that works…
MOST OFTEN we cant really change the way we show up… so we need to COMPLEMENT ourselves with the right team members around us, the right tools, the right STUFF that props up what doesn’t come naturally.
And, NOT ALL FEEDBACK is created EQUAL. As you listen to feedback, figure out what are SHOW STOPPERS, what are behaviors that TURN PEOPLE OFF versus behaviors that will simply enhance your value. The SHOW STOPPERS you much MODIFY… ELIMINATE… GROW BEYOND…
It all comes down to this…
You are IMPERFECT and that is so OK because EVERYONE else is too…
I think EVOLVING who we are can be magical… and in many cases its UNNECESSARY…
To make PROGRESS you just have to be able to deeply, openly, sincerely OWN your faults… your short-comings…
The moment you do - people can speak to them - and together you can progress through them…
SIMPLY OWNING THE FEEDBACK… in a humble and sincere way changes the perception of people about you in that regard… and SLOWLY and steadily leads to growth…
And, most people can’t…
Most people want to desperately… they want to and do RATIONALLY…
but, their ego hides in the background and keeps them from truly showing up with the vulnerabilty that makes owning it fully possible…
So, if you want to move ahead… make progress…
LISTEN… LISTEN to what people are already telling you…
and INTERNALIZE IT… MAKE IT a part of you… DEDICATE yourself to exploring it more than resolving it… because as you explore it…. if you are open to it… you will inherently improve upon it…
And a lifetime later you can look back and see how it went ;-)
That’s the best I’ve got… at least for now…
in harmony,
Nestor