First, I am sorry for the formatting issues on Tuesday to those of you receiving the blog via daily email. I had a little glitch with my phone app. It won’t happen again. I believe that writing reflects harmony both in how it is visually presented, as well as in its content.
Second, I am reading a book by the Dalai Lama called, The Universe in a Single Atom – The Convergence of Science and Spirituality. I can’t wait to share some of the ideas that he shares that overlap so powerfully with the concept of harmony.
Today, however, I found myself needing to write about the DIFFICULTY of harmony.
I wrote a whole page at 5 a.m. only to lose my internet connection and not be able to upload it. Breaks my heart. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but I felt the momentary loss. Life goes on ;-)
When people hear about HARMONY, their immediate reaction is probably something along the lines of, “I know that already”, or “Isn’t that obvious?”. They may even think some form of “that’s easy”. Some may blow it off as “too touchy feely to warrant my attention.”
In the book The Advantage, by Patrick Lecioni (exceptional book by the way), he talks about “arrogance” and “ignorance” as being the reasons why intelligent CEOs don’t embrace and engage in the concept of corporate culture. I believe the thought process they have is similar. Culture is easy. It’s “beneath me”.
Harmony is anything but EASY. In fact, it is really DIFFICULT.
If harmony was easy, why aren’t more people living truly happy lives?
We talked in a previous blog about the difficulty of seeing and accepting and embracing the absolute truth. That is certainly a very hard aspect of harmony.
Once you are able to see the absolute truth, however, acting on it is equally hard.
To act on the absolute truth in the spirit of harmony, you often have to confront people on very difficult topics. You have to tell your child why they may not be able to do something, you may have to tell your spouse about feelings that you have that will scare them, or about issues you have with them that will hurt them. At work, you often have to tell your employees they need to improve their performance, or at times terminate them. All of these feel, and are in the momentary eyes of some, disharmonic.
In the movie, The First Knight, Sean Connery tells Richard Gere, “There is some peace you can only find on the other side of war.” I always loved that line. Truth is, there is some harmony that you can only find on the other side of disharmony.
DANGER
But, be very careful. There are many that believe that creating disharmony needs to be disharmonic.
While you cannot control how everyone hears your words or tones, you can always control what you believe, you can always select your words, and you can always influence your tone.
When faced with the moments that require CANDOR and COURAGE, also make sure you engage CARE. If we get the courage to be candid, we often engage defensive or distant in order to minimize the guilt we feel from the interaction. Or we borrow defensiveness to allow us to have the courage.
BE COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO CARE
The difference is massive. Meaning, don’t just share that “you need to get better or do better”, share the why. “Because I said so” is NEVER the choice of harmony. We are not perfect. We will slip at times. But, that doesn’t make it right. “Because I said so” is a moment of disharmony, period. “Because I love you” is better.
In those moments when you are faced with the difficult truth that is in the way of achieving the next level of harmony, how will you proceed? How do you proceed?
Creating harmony in a business, relationships, and life requires you to strike a balance between the various individuals and values and strategies and options that form the situation. And balancing things requires corrections and adjustments.
Those moments of correction and adjustment – are where harmony ultimately gets built or gets destroyed. The destination in both is the same. Mom and Dad want to see a certain behavior in their kid. Manager wants to see a certain behavior in their employee. Company wants to achieve a certain result from its organization. The path is typically one for improvement and betterment. Harmony or Disharmony occurs from the “method” and “thought process” used to elicit those goals.
The difference in words and tone may be slight, but the impact to the emotions it elicits in its recipients can be life or career altering.
When your intent is truth and your approach is care and explanation– you build trust and create understanding. You achieve harmony in the moment.
When your intent is truth and your approach is candor alone – you build distrust and create misunderstandings. You achieve disharmony in the moment.
It AMAZES me how I have seen over and over examples of telling things that they don’t want to hear, telling people things that will hurt them in the short term, and how we have come out of those situations with trust and understanding. It happens to me over and over again…
How you choose to show up in those moments matters. It is everything.
First, you must be able to SEE the absolute truth.
Then, you must be able to ACCEPT the absolute truth.
Then, you must have the initiative to ACT on the truth that is standing in the way of your want.
Then, you must have the courage and the humility to CARE in the truth that you share.
Harmony is not about giving up on your want.
Harmony is about approaching for your want with care and concern and candor and commitment.
Harmony requires energy and practice.
Harmony requires attention to the finest detail.
Harmony is the result of candor and courage expressed with care and gratitude.
Harmony is difficult.
Harmony is worth it.
Nestor Benavides