One of the best examples of harmony and disharmony in our world today is kids SPORTS!!!
WHEN DID MOST PARENTS BECOME PERFECTLY EXECUTING ATHLETIC SAVANTS?
What is it that happens to us as parents that leads us to believe that kids should play sports perfectly.
Obviously, some of us are afflicted with more deadly forms of this complex. There are only a few that I see that walk around truly immune.
Next time you are at a kids sporting event at any level,(though the more competitive, often the worse the disharmony gets), LISTEN to the parents on the sidelines. It rattles me internally, I have to play the little game I play of ACTIVE NON-LISTENING.
"Get to the ball!"
"You have got to run FASTER."
"Don't let him do that to you."
"No, not like THAT!"
"Ref - ARE YOU BLIND!"
So often, we are either shouting DISHARMONIC WISHING at our kids, at their competition, or at the REFs!"
Think about it - there are 30 - 50 adults on the sidelines at kids games between parents and grandparents and step parents. Do you really think 1 or 2 guys on a field or court can see EVERYTHING that all of the parents see? Do you REALLY think you could do better? (Remember, some of these REFs have been refereeing 6 games already that day and are running up the field or court). Do you REALLY think you could do better? And, remember, you are not looking at EVERY play, you are just looking at most of the plays that YOUR kid is in!
And, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? Ok, maybe on occassion it impacts whether our kids score or dont score - MAYBE - or whether our kids bring home the little medal or dont....
Again, I ask DOES IT REALLY MATTER??? And, when did the world change that made it so that everything should be perfect? Is that what we want to teach our kids - that they should expect everything to be perfect - everyone to make the perfect decisions - no one to make a mistake? What world are we trying to train them for?
It BREAKS my heart when I see kids yelling at the referees. It breaks my heart because I know where that comes from - PARENTS. And, I know what that does, it teaches the kids that its not so much what they do on the field or don't do - its what the refs will decide. It makes the game less fun. It teaches our kids their actions are less relevant and in the hands of incompetent teenagers or gracious adults trying to make an extra little income on weekends.
I ALMOST never yell at refs. For all of the reasons above, And, because I believe that REFS don't change their mind anyway - so even if I was completely right - HOW OFTEN DO REF'S REALLY CHANGE THEIR MINDS???
So- The ONLY thing that is accomplished by yelling at referees, is teaching our children lessons that we would never, if we really thought about it, want them to embrace.
WOW - what a tangent. That was all about refereeing. I could talk for hours on this topic.
On kids. I remember, as if it was yesterday, how badly I felt at the end of my soccer games as a kid. My father (without ever intending to) would systemically criticize each and every player on the field on my team and then me. He didn't think I was as terrible as most of my team, but I knew better. I was worse than most. So, I would defend my teammates - and be so angry and hurt by the injustice of it. (But, I was a weird kid).
All I wanted to hear was, "You worked hard. You are getting better. It's fun to watch you play."
I see parents so crazy critical at kids sports. Some parents focus their venom on the refs (thats alot of them). Some focus their venom on the other team (thats just cruel and low). And, some parents focus their venom on their own children (and that is the most painful to watch and the most damaging). It's one thing to be unsportsmanlike to the competition, or to the refs. It's completely another thing to weaken our children's spirit.
I will admit, this is the minority of parents. We all have some level of critical angst that we must take out on our kids during their sports matches, and some parents take it to a whole new level.
I so desperately want to ask them...
- Do you EVER make mistakes yourself?
- What do you REALLY think is behind your unbridled passion to see your kids succeed?
- How do you think your kid feels RIGHT NOW?
Often, it is some of the best kids on the field or court, that play amazing, and their parents are riding them on every play.
NOW - I know what some of you are thinking.... "Well, that is how they got really good!"
Well - here is what I believe -if they got that good with MASSIVE criticism... think about how good they could have gotten or could get with a BETTER BALANCE OF THE TWO!!!
This is all about HARMONY.
Kids play at different levels. The two BIGGEST factors for how well kids play are:
1. GENETICS (alot of this is WHEN KIDS DEVELOP).
Physically - Some kids have great athleticism at 5, some at 10, some at 15. Kids genetics make them vary. I do think that with hard work our LONG TERM potential is much more similar than we give ourselves credit for. But, at young ages, even through high school, DIFFERENT KIDS DEVELOP AT A DIFFERENT PACE. You CAN'T YELL AT THEM TO OVER COME THIS!
Emotionally & Competitively - Kids develop different levels of "competitive aggression and intensity". I believe this is NATURE and NURTURE.
Who they are... I think genetically some kids (and adults) are simply more collaboratively, less aggressive, more or less confident in themselves, less physical than others. (And, I actually think this is one of the beauties of kids sports - that it helps you become more aggressive, more confident, more engaged than you would be without participating.
2. HOW MUCH TIME THEY ARE SPENDING ON THE SPORT
The time they spend practicing and playing a sport makes a massive difference in their level of skill. And, this becomes a bigger and bigger differentiator as they get older. Kids that play HIgh School sports have typically spent ALOT MORE TIME playing the sport than the kids that dont.
Those are the two thing that I believe separate the VAST majority of kids in kids sports. I get that some kids are just crazy gifted at something - and they seem to move at a very different pace. I classify that under genetic above.
SO - WHY do we put our kids in kids sports anyway? Do we think about what lessons we are trying to teach them? More importantly, do we understand what lessons we want them to learn on their own from their participation. Do we give them the opportunity and support to really get those?
There is so much GREAT stuff in kids sports. The older I get, the more I coach, the more I see that it is an AMAZING component of growing up.
Everyday I am more and more grateful for the many volunteers that make the organizations possible. For the adults that volunteer, or sign up on a paid basis to coach, to ref, to help.
I have been coaching for 10 years. I have seen how DIFFERENT the dynamics can be within the team and with parents.
I have only had 1 issue with a parent on any of my teams, in probably 30 - 50 combined seasons (many seasons I coached 2 teams). That is, with tournaments, probably 300 - 550 games. ONE ISSUE. And, it happened this past season, and I wasn't present at the game. And, that issue was with a parent going through a very difficult time, and they were extremely sorry about it when I talked to them about it.
HARMONY BEGETS HARMONY
We set a tone with our coaches, our players and then our parents... it's a game.
We come to play hard. To give it our best.
Our goal is not to win. WE CANT CONTROL WINNING.
Our goal is to play better EVERY week than we did the week before.
And, if we do that - then we will win more than our share of games. And, we have. We have won FAR MORE than we have lost. But, winning is NOT the goal.
Our goal is to always support each other on the field. To always give our best.
We sometimes fail, but we talk about it, and we try harder the next time.
YOU CANT CONTROL WINNING. If you set your goal as winnning, you are starting from a point of disharmony. Thinking that you can control Winning - is not part of the truth.
ALL YOU CAN DO IS PLAY THE SMARTEST AND HARDEST - GIVE IT YOUR ABSOLUTE MOST - THAT iS WHAT WE CAN CONTROL.
And, we dont expect to be perfect. Because we know that is also not part of what really "IS".
My goal is to teach the boys about the sport, but most about life.
I want to teach them to push themselves. I want to teach them to enjoy the commaraderie.
I want to teach them to leverage those around them - that they are greater together than they could ever be apart.
I want to teach them that winning happens, and it is more fun than losing, but that it is largely out of our control, and we must focus on what we control.
I want to teach them that what they are thinking in their heads matters.
But, ABOVE ALL ELSE I want to teach them that THEY ARE GREAT YOUNG MEN - THAT THEY ARE GREAT EXACTLY AS THEY ARE and that WITH DEDICATION, DETERMINATION and HARD WORK that THEY CAN IMPROVE UPON THEMSELVES AND WILL BE EVEN BETTER... MAKE THEMSELVES EVEN BETTER AND ENJOY THE RIDE MORE THAN THEY EVER BELIEVED.
That being my goal, why would I ever even care enough to yell at a referee.
What do the words I need to be out of my mouth to help them towards this goal?
What are the words their parents could be saying to help them?
And, again - across many teams and many parents, because we make our goal known, HARMONY BEGETS HARMONY and we have had the greatest kids and the greatest parents and a great ride along the way.
I am not suggesting that it has been perfect... but it certainly has been amazing.
I know fully that what we want as parents is the best for our kids. When it comes to kids sports, I think we just are a little confused about what we are trying to accomplish with them. We allow too much of too many other emotions to get in our heads, and we get carried away in the moments a little to often, in directions that are not what we really want to be teaching our kids.
If you embrace the "IS" you realize that our team doesnt play GREAT one week and HORRIBLE the next. The biggest VARIABLE from one week to the next is THE COMPETITION. When you play a team that is faster, stronger, better... it brings your level up - and still it may make you look terrible. The additional split second that a less competitive team gives you to think, to make a better pass, to take a better shot, makes our team look superb one week. A more competitive team that takes that split second away, may make us look like a completely different team. What changed? Our team or the competition?
All we can do is get a huddle, wrap our arms around each other, practice as hard and as smart as we can, be grateful for the opportunity, and come out again the next week trying to be better than we were the week before (regardless of whether the score board reflected it).
Kids Sports are an AMAZING place where kids and adults can grow.
It is like a test laboratory for HARMONY.
THIS IS EXACTLY THE POINT OF HARMONY... It's not about being positive - its about ANCHORING on the positive. The rule of 5 positive to 1 negative applies.
We want our kids to be the best and the most that they can be. (Doesn't that apply to ourselves as well?)..
AND - to be THE MOST and THE BEST we can be, AND IMPORTANTLY to BE HAPPY IN OUR JOURNEY GETTING THERE... We must acknowledge FIRST all that we are, how hard our kids are working, how gifted and beautiful they are, how hard they are trying, how much they really want to win... and LET THEM KNOW THAT WITH YOUR WORDS AND YOUR TONES...
And, then push them caringly and passionately... help them see the next level that they themselves would love to attain.
THIS IS MY POINT...
You can achieve goals with criticism alone - but the journey is getting there is miserable, and if and when you get there you tend to hate everyone around you and at some point you realize the getting there sucked.
THERE IS A BETTER WAY...
PUSH your kids - but with a humbler and more loving spirit. PUSH them acknowledging that neither you nor they are perfect.
PUSH your kids - not because they can be better but because you love them to much not to help them see how great they really are.
PUSH your kids - not because you wish them to have a better life but because you want them to know they are capable of greatness.
PUSH your kids - not because you want to tell the world they are great - because you already know that they are...
They will hear your words in a completely different way.... they will feel your love in a completely different way... and they will enjoy sport and love themselves in a completely different way.
Human nature can be critical. Our kids are already beating themselves up after each and every play ... with our words and tone... do we confirm their insecurity or do we challenge them to see the greatness inside of them and challenge them to love themselves regardless of their own imperfections?
Are we embracing the IS in our kids, in the opportunity.
Are we yelling and screaming WISHING we had been better athletes, WISHING our kids where perfect, WISHING they never made a mistake...
Ultimately, all kids want, just like adults...
Is to know that they are enough as they are, and to know that they are loved - and when we believe that - then we can take our game up to the next level and have a greater possibility of scoring in the next game!!!
Remember, the kids aren't perfect, the refs aren't perfect, and we aren't either!
Be grateful our kids are healthy enough to play the sport, that we live in a country where everyone can play, and that you are here on the sidelines able to cheer them on....
Start in that "IS" and think about where you want to take it!
CHEER POSITIVE!
Nestor Benavides