I am so often in my thoughts… questioning everything.
In fact, I am ALWAYS there.
I don’t want to talk about myself all the time, so I try to share thoughts about philosophy and the dynamics of life as I see them. But, the most positive comments that I get about these conversations are the ones where I share specific stories of my life.
That always confuses me. And, I appreciate it.
Perhaps, its because we are all living similarly unique lives, and hearing specific anecdotes is relatable.
Whatever it may be, there are endless moments to share.
I am in Peru right now, my fourth trip this year, trying to help my parents make decisions about life. This is the first year where I have been in charge.
I remember the conversation last year on my driveway in Maryland, a year, almost to the day. My parents where visiting. My father couldn’t keep it in any more. We had gone to buy something at CVS (his favorite all purpose store these days), and so he started…
“You are not present enough as a son”. “You don’t care about us, about your mother, about me.” “You have a responsibility to your parents.”… It went on for awhile.
We had versions of these conversations before, but somehow this one was different. In the past, these conversations had hurt, had pierced my most vulnerable self. They would always lead me to the “I am not enough, never enough” place. Part of me wanted to ROAR. Part of me wanted to say all of the things that I hadn’t said for 46 years. Part of me wanted to unload all of the conversations that I never got to have with a psychiatrist about my dad’s influence on my life ;-)
Fortunately, I didn’t.
I heard my dad talk for awhile, and then I said, “I am here for you. And, the day that you really need me, I will be here for you. Until now, you don’t really need me, you don’t really want my opinion, and I refuse to play the role of “listen to all my bitching cause you have to” son.”
I have sat between my parents my whole life. I have heard them tear each other apart passively and actively my whole life. I know just how much they disliked each other. And, I am done listening for the sake of listening.
“When you need me, I will be there. And, I will know.” I said, and I pretty much left it at that.
My dad is a lovely and simple man, and the world revolves around him.
The fact that he would have never had his mother visit us for 3 weeks in the US when he was late 40s, doesn’t cross his mind. He wants to come for 3 weeks and I should be at attention.
He is constantly telling me that my cousins don’t call him to ask him over to dinner. Today I said to him. “Take a walk back with me dad, lets go back to when you were in your 40s and 50s… ok… how often did you invite your 87 year old uncle out to dinner?”
He looked at me in a blank stare. He had no words.
I told him, he is confusing his 87 year old self with ‘Uncle Tito’ in his 40s and 50s. He is older. He is different. And, so are my cousins. They love him. They care about him. And, if he has a problem they will be there. But, not being able to print from his computer is not considered a real “problem”.
So, I am here, and “helping” to figure out what we do with my mom, who is at a nursing home, far away, where she is literally the ONLY resident there. The place is far, but it is safe, clean and she is well cared for… but she is lonely. Everyone acknowledges that she is lonely, but she has fits where she wants to run out into the world on her own, and she is no longer capable of doing so.
It is a tricky situation. She still is very normal much of the time. But her mind doesn’t belong to her alone. She confuses me and my uncles, she thinks my dad has a dog, she asks me about her mother… that breaks my heart. To have to tell her over and over that her mother died in 1995, and see her sadness, and her confusion over and over again. I might end up finding a new truth to share with her.
My dad is angry because my mom is lonely. So, today we had the “loneliness is part of old age” conversation. Why do you think she should never be lonely?
Don’t get me wrong. I want my mother to be happy and with people around her. But, unless I can hire 12 hour support of conversationalists per day, in addition to the resident manager, and multiple people that she already has helping her… I would consider it.
There is a difference between being alone, and being lonely, I told my dad. Yes she is lonely sometimes, but she is never alone, never not being cared for. And, lets figure out what we can do better, but she will be lonely, as will you.
Where do we get these ideas that we should never be sad, never be lonely, never be this or that? This is where I love the Buddhists. Suffering is the first premise. Expect to have some suffering, and everything makes more sense.
If you are fortunate enough to outlive most of your friends, you get to experience more loneliness. It comes with the territory. Sad, sure. Happy, sure. True, definitely.
Make more old friends, I told him. Just because you are old doesn’t mean that you can no longer make friends. Make new friends if the other ones have died. (I know a little hard – but at this age, death is a very real thing and a real conversation, and its about accepting it and making the best of the time before it happens). Go to church more, go see your sister, read, watch TV, make plans… why do you sit back and wish the world was paying more attention to you?
It’s been a tricky few days. Everyone has an opinion. But, the opinions I care about most are about the people that are vested and working with me to make it better. Everyone has an opinion about what I should do with my mom, but only a few people really spend time weekly worrying about her. My dad spends his time "wishing" my mom wasnt in this situation. Aren't you sad? He asks me. Ofcourse, I say, but just because I am sad, doesn't mean that I don't accept the truth.
JUST BECAUSE I MIGHT BE SAD DOESN'T MEAN THAT I SUSPEND THE TRUTH THAT SHE NEEDS CARE and THAT HER ILLNESS WILL CONTINUE TO PROGRESS and THAT WE NEED A PLAN FOR HER TO BE TAKEN CARE OF.... because the truth is that she wont get any better and what I WANT is to find the best possible care for her, not a solution to Alzheimers.
There is no happy and perfect solution. That is what I need to get my dad to understand.
My mom will continue to forget. She will continue to get more confused not less. There is no doctor that can give us a different outcome with Alzheimers. He is convinced some doctor will be able to give us “the solution”.
My dad was never good at making decisions. Fortunately, I saw that growing up, and I have tried to do better at making decisions. I may not be great at it, but I know they need to be made based on the best data presented, and I know that they can be reversed in most cases.
So, I am deciding for now to keep my mom in this nursing home far away. I can see the hurt in his eyes with my decision. He can’t take care of her physically. She needs attention, she wears diapers, she wants to run away. He cant get her to take her medicine. I know he wishes this could be different, but I don’t see how it can.
Part of me feels unloving to leave my mom in a place where she is lonely. So, I am working to figure out how we can do more to deal with that. We will continue to look.
I am not a bad son. I am not a good son. I am just their son. I don’t much care for labels anymore. I once did. I really don’t need him to tell me that I am doing the right thing or the wrong thing. Somehow, I am in a place, where I am really comfortable just doing what I know to be right, or best.
Ironically, my dad has been more gracious recently, more appreciative, more loving to me.
In fact, he has been wonderful with my mom for the past year. He has gone far out of his way to try to do right and be the kindest that he can be. But, the years of disharmony are marked in her brain, and unfortunately, her brain is no longer in a reprograming state. It has the program locked in, and it is slowly getting garbled.
Beware of disharmony, married friends, because when it doesn’t lead to divorce, it leads to possible an even uglier place… a slow distancing of souls that is unable to be made up later in life. As I write this, I realize I can and need to do better with the harmony that I am creating, or failing to create in my own relationship. I can be better.
If my mom where living in her own home, she would be fueled by rage. Perhaps she wouldn’t be lonely, just furious as she was 6 months ago.
I didn’t create this problem, and it wasn’t created on purpose. Part of it was out of our hands, the Alzheimers. The other part, is the disharmony that was created in a 50 year marriage, that is unrepairable at this stage.
Had they found a way to live in harmony earlier in life, they would be sharing their home. My mom wouldn’t be trying to run away.
I don’t share these thoughts with my dad. They would give him no comfort, nor the ability to act any differently now.
It’s amazing that its only been a year since that conversation in my driveway. I am here now, and have been this year. They need me now. And, as much as I thought I understood the situation, I didn’t realize the size of their need, and how little of it I would be able to actually fill.
As I help them, I try to make note of the lessons.
Expect some loneliness if you are fortunate enough to live a long life.
Enjoy these years, weeks, days and moments… because they are truly numbered… not till we die, but till we can no longer be free to enjoy them as we’ve come to expect.
And, do whatever it takes to create harmony with your loved ones… because someday you will want it, and it will be too late to try to build it back…
Harmony begets harmony… you know the drill by now.
Yours in aging harmony,
Nestor