EVERYDAY I find myself in conversations with people struggling, stressed, anxious, sincerely unhappy with some aspect of their life.
The world is a TARGET RICH environment for HARMONY.
People who so often have all of the ingredients to make a tremendously joyful life, spending so much of their days in despair wishing their life was different in some way or in fear of something that MAY someday happen.
Imagine if someone you loved, had all of the ingredients to make a FEAST… and, they lived in starvation because they didn’t know how to cook, or they didn’t realize they had all that they needed?
That is where my passion comes from… from the OVERWHELMING opportunity to live happier, more joyful, more peaceful lives.
NOT PERFECT lives.
NOT necessarily lives “as good” as we think some of our friends live…
But deeply fulfilling, meaningful, purposeful, rewarding, happy lives… ALL OF US!
I have got to find a way to help more people understand.
As much as I want to start writing about business, about strategy,
I find over
and
over
and
over again,
that what we most often lack
is not money,
is not love
is not a beach house
is not a new car
What we most often lack for joy and peace of mind is
thought PROCESS and DISCIPLINE.
HARMONY is the process.
And, discipline is just the adherence to it in every moment.
We dismiss these types of “solutions” to our problems because we think to ourselves, “what can I possibly change in a moment?”…
The answer is, EVERYTHING!
Moments beget moments, harmony begets harmony… and small moments lived in harmony over time create trust and love and peace and happiness in the most sustainable and meaningful of ways.
Let me see, if I can provide you with an example.
As you may know, my mother has Alzheimer’s and while she remembers A LOT, she is forgetting some things.
EXAMPLE 1:
My father says, “Honey, the cook says that you put the Laurel leaves somewhere, can you get them for me?”
My mother responds: “WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE KNOW. SHE IS A DUMB B**CH. WHO KNOWS WHERE SHE HERSELF HAS PUT THEM? I HAVE NO IDEA.”
EXAMPLE 2:
I say, “Mama, you are forgetting things, not everything but somethings, let’s go look for your keys, I am sure we can find them together.”
My mom responds, “Thank you mi amor.”
EXAMPLE 3:
My cousin says to my mother, “I am going to send my kids over, they want to see you. Is your maid there?” (maids are still a very common thing in the lives of people in Peru – it is a wonderful kind of help that isn’t financially accessible to most in the U.S.A.)
My mother responds: “ Wonderful. Yes she is. Send them over!”
Lets start with example 3…
If almost anyone else had asked my mother whether the maid was here before making a decision, my mother would have gotten terribly angry. “Why does it matter if she is here or not? She isn’t that smart. Why does she need to be here?”
With my cousin, my mom says, “yes, she is”.
WHY?
In example 2 - When I make note in example 2 of my mom’s forgetfulness, she agrees and does so lovingly.
WHY?
In example 1 – When my dad asks for the Laurel leaves, she gets furious, absolutely pissed off, at a reasonable question. (And, then she goes and finds the leaves which she had indeed moved.)
WHY?
Remember these two things:
1. HARMONY BEGINS WITH THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH
2. HARMONY BEGETS HARMONY, and DISHARMONY BEGETS DISHARMONY
You can answer the WHYs in many ways… but here is what I see…
In our deepest core, we want and need to be VALUED. In Spanish the word for value is VALOR. I love that. VALUE IS VALOR… and it so IS when it is referring to us as people.
If in a moment, we think our value is being questioned, it creates massive disharmony in ourselves.
If someone questions our value over time, it doesn’t take long to quickly hate that person, to never want to interact with them, to not want to do business with them…
I’d love to tell you that people who question your value – they don’t mean it.
But I actually think they kind of do. They don’t mean it in a hurtful way. They don’t mean in it in a mean way. That is just how they CHOOSE TO PROCESS thoughts through their head and it is reflected in the words they choose to say things with…
I have countless examples at work. The few people that question people’s value are disliked deeply, and people can’t often describe why. “I just hate having to deal with him.” People will say. “He scares me.” “He thinks differently that most people here.” “He makes me feel stupid.”… Questioning “valor” questions everything… it rattles us, so we shift into defensive mode… or retraction mode…
When my mom interprets a question… she is ok with someone questioning her memory… not her VALUE… not her overall ability to still exist in a valuable and meaningful way.
She has subconsciously divided the world into two groups. She is sweet as honey with one group and she is tiger with the other. One group doesn’t make her feel like she has no value. The other group questions her value in the subtlety of their words, tones and questions.
It’s amazing how sharp her skills remain in that regard. Laser sharp. And, she protects her value like a mama bear protects her cubs.
Now – you may say REALLY… your dad’s question didn’t seem so bad… your dad’s question seemed reasonable.
And,
you’d be absolutely RIGHT.
My dad’s question was reasonable. He is a loving man who is trying like crazy to help her and make her life comfortable and enjoyable as she goes through this. He really is. But, he has concluded that she is no longer capable of many things. He has concluded that she “forgets everything” not just some things. He has concluded that she can no longer really make her own decisions…
and them’s fighting words!
DISHARMONY BEGETS DISHARMONY
He has over time shown her what he thinks, and so EVERYTHING he says is scrutinized AS SOON as he opens his mouth.
The level of disharmony is so great, that I think if he started believing and saying all of the right things in every moment at this point, the level of distrust in her absolute truth is unchangeable. It’s sad. It’s true.
There is a level of scarring that happens in disharmony, and I see it most often in married couples, that becomes so thick that even if the “offender” agrees and changes their behavior completely, the one who has been receiving the disharmony can no longer forgive.
It is so sad to witness. The problem gets solved, but the equation is no longer available for recalculation.
Now, in my opinion, in true harmony, that doesn’t happen. I feel like I could forgive virtually, almost EVERYTHING. I truly believe that we have the power to show up differently as soon as we decide to do so. I truly believe that people feel that when they interact with me and it becomes a source of trust in our relationship. I try for my tone, my words, my thoughts in every moment to be open to the possibility of complete harmony.
People who “question value” get treated differently by the world. They are treated with distance, with distrust, and often with dislike.
When I approach them trustingly, intimately, and with genuine like and concern IN EVERY MOMENT…. Leaving the possibility for them to have changed…
It allows me to create trusting and extremely constructive and productive relationshiops with people who “don’t get along with anyone”.
We build scars to these people over time – IF we wish they were different.
We build scars to these people over time – IF we judge them.
We build an attitude to these people over time – IF we question THEIR VALUE!
But, if we are champions of harmony… we allow them in every moment the opportunity for change. This doesn’t make the relationship easy, but it makes it possible.
In my opinion, I will seldom reach the same level of candor and closeness with someone who processes life questioning the value of those around them. But, I will forge extremely productive and generally enjoyable relationships.
WHY DO PEOPLE QUESTION VALUE?
I think its this simple…
They start every moment WISHING/EXPECTING that you were perfect.
And, then they address you into the DEFFICIENCY of who you really are.
If you ask these people is so and so good in their role, they will always start with the things they don’t do well, with the things people don’t remember, with the issues they have had with these people in the past.
ON THE OTHER HAND… people who assume VALUE / VALOR in their thought process…
They start every moment ACKNOWLEDGING the absolute truth of your value (and of your shortcoming all as a part of it). BUT they recognize that there is ALWAYS value in people in their absolute truth… ALWAYS VALOR!!!
ABSOLUTE TRUTH ALWAYS has value – even with the meanest and most evil people of all time… even with Osama Bin Laden… there was some value in his absolute truth.
I am not suggesting that you should have loved or trusted Osama Bin Laden, but my point is even he has value in his absolute truth.
And, when these people address you, they make you feel your value in their words, their tone… and they speak to you with what the WANT from you (not what you lack).
If you ask these people about others… they acknowledge value and contribution first, and then they may talk about shortcomings. It’s not that they don’t see the “deficiencies”… many of them will talk more of them as opportunities…
HERE IS THE THING… AND THIS IS SO ABSOLUTELY POWERFUL…
People who start every moment SEEING VALUE IN OTHER PEOPLE … UNDERSTAND AND EMBRACE THEIR OWN IMPERFECTIONS!
People who start every moment WISHING YOU WERE PERFECT and question value, are scared to death, unaware, of IN DENIAL OF THEIR OWN IMPERFECTIONS!
That’s IT!
And, we FEEL THAT!
People in denial of their own imperfections – make us feel horrible.
And, we tend to hate them over time – because they hold such a double standard… THEY ARENT PERFECT… WHY DO THEY EXPECT ME TO BE?
The place we need to reach – is to not allow their own shortcomings… their inability to process things in the right way… to then make us in to proliferators of disharmony…
WHY DO WE CARE WHAT THEY THINK in the first place?
In our absolute truth, we should be able to separate those people into a group who in THEIR ABSOLUTE TRUTH.., they don’t see things appropriately so we shouldn’t let their distorted double standard of perfection affect us…
It’s not easy… but its absolutely possible…
Enlightened, inspired people get this…
YOU CAN GET THIS…
I know I just took you down a long and winding road – but this is huge, my friend.
This is the CORE of SO MUCH discord, of SO MUCH stress, of SO MUCH unhappiness…
HARMONY … it’s a discipline
YOU HAVE ALL OF THE INGREDIENTS NEEDED…
GO MAKE SOMETHING AN AMAZING FEAST…
Smile deeply and enjoy it thoroughly…
Nestor