I was having a great conversation with a dear friend who is going through some hard times, and she said something that I have heard before, and that I believe many feel.
"I know you believe in happiness and goodness and all that positive stuff, but this is different."
It is frustrating to hear that, only because its SO NOT TRUE.
Yes I do believe in happiness and goodness and all that positive stuff, but I also believe wholeheartedly in sadness and meanness and all that negative stuff.
It's not HAPPINESS that drives me, it's the QUEST FOR HARMONY. And, MOST of the time, the QUEST for harmony is challenging.
You can't achieve harmony by smiling all the time and pretending to be happy.
You achieve harmony by digging deep into the things that create disharmony in your life and changing them and the way you approach and think about them.
Harmony takes an unusual level of courage and candor, and an exceptional level of self-awareness and self-reflection.
The final product perhaps looks easy, but it is hard fought and it is fragile.
So, don't misunderstand HARMONY... don't expect it to be EASY (though it gets easier over time)... don't expect it to be QUICK (though it can be)... don't expect others to fall right in line (though some will)...
There is an irony to HARMONY... and that is that you often have to create disharmony in others to find it. You have to put people in the uncomfortable situation of exploring the absolute truth. And, most people hate that. Most people approach the absolute truth with hesitation, with apprehension, with defensiveness. It's not easy to take our piece of the truth... the part we bring to the problem. It requires massive trust and vulnerability.
HARMONY doesn't mean everything will get fixed... some things unfortunately can't be fixed.
HARMONY doesn't mean you can bring everyone around... some people, many people, can never leave their ego aside far enough to join you.
HARMONY doesn't mean that you will be happy all the time, or even MOST of the time...
HARMONY simply gives you the best possible mindset and approach to make the very best of whatever it is you are dealing with...
That in many cases is extremely different from "happiness, goodness and all that positive stuff."
It's because we stay away from the hard and uncomfortable thoughts and the difficult and tricky conversation that we fail to achieve harmony in our lives.
I so don't want HARMONY to be swept into the pile with "all the positive stuff"...
I want HARMONY to be seen as a powerful tool. Suffering is part of life. Sadness is part of life. Disappointment is part of life. But, so is gratitude. So is acceptance. So is the possibility of a different tomorrow.
When you think about HARMONY...
think about COURAGE...
think about CANDOR...
think about real TRUST...
think about DISCOMFORT...
think about PERSISTENCE...
think about PAIN...
think about DISCIPLINE...
think about HARD DECISIONS...
That's more what it is...
HARMONY is creating persistent discomfort questioning yourself and the situations around you so as to achieve an on-going increased level of comfort...
Harmony begets harmony and disharmony begets disharmony.
There are many situations for many of us, that are deep in disharmony, and it is hard, if not close to impossible to turn around.
I do believe that ALL situations are resolvable in theory.
I do know that MANY situations are non-resolvable in actuality because we can't get everyone involved to a high enough level of self-awareness and trust.
I do know that HARMONY... is the best possible way to approach the moment, and life to get the very best that we can possibly get, and live the most success that we can possibly live...
And, virtually always that includes terribly sad and disappointing moments, painful realizations, and uncomfortable conversations.
I do believe that the sooner you apply the principles of HARMONY to any situation, the better your chances of resolving it successfully. I have SEEN it turn situations around on a dime. And, I have seen it fail miserably.
Troubled marriages are a difficult situation, because often the disharmony is SO deep by the time that the real issues are truly surfaced that a trusting exploration of the truth is almost impossible. Conclusions or behaviors have been reached and confirmed for so long before they are spoken that the absolute truth can no longer be seen. I have seen it with close friends. I have lived it with my parents.
It was great to see my friend. It had been a long time. And, my heart hurts for her.
And, I am in awe of her strength, her conviction, her resoluteness, her dedication and her ability and willingness to adapt. I get that she is hurting still. I get that this will continue to be a terribly difficult and challenging time.
And, I see tremendous harmony in her. I see resolve to make the best of this... regardless of whether she's dismissed "Harmony" for the moment with all that other "happy" stuff....
Harmony isn't about sweet and simple things... it's about LIFE... Committing to it, Achieving it, Living it is HARD WORK that requires COURAGE! Maybe I should call it HARDMONY ;-)
Yours in harmony,
Nestor