NOTE: I just re-read this and its a bit circular. I hope you can follow it, as I do think its somewhat circular in real life.
We have all heard the old adage, “You can’t change people” in one form or another.
I know I have heard it in many forms.
People CAN change, but I can only change myself. I can't change others. (We often forget this with our own children).
“Love” me as I am… “Accept” me as I am…
It is one of the most difficult concepts of harmony, in marriage, at work, in life.
How much of your disharmony comes from the fact that you “wish” I was different?
How much of my disharmony comes from the fact that I “wish” you were different?
Possibly ALL of it.
Last night I got home late. I told my family that I was going to a business dinner, but I never got to the dinner. Business took all of the time. So, I got home after a long day, and I was starving and tired.
It was one of those days were the boys were upstairs and Susy was in the “computer room”.
I was feeling it… disharmony.
“I’ve been working hard all day… I wish my family would acknowledge me when I got home.”
There was no food out.
“I wish they’d be thoughtful enough to leave some food out.”
I was tired…
Then I thought…
I told them that I wasn’t going to be home for dinner. I am sure Susy believes that I already ate. Because, I told her I WOULD!
Yesterday (and many days) when I come home, my boys jump out of their seats to hug me and say hello. I am home later than usual. They are all in the middle of homework, or baths, or their own things.
I just got home this past Monday and we were having people over for dinner. Dinner was already served, and each one of my boys stood up and gave me a big and heartfelt hug as a hello.
What more can I ask for?
What is it that causes that moment of disharmony when we question things... when we WISH people were different?
There is a difference when we WISH they were responding different in a given moment, and when we WISH they were responding different on-going.
Do I believe they don’t love me because they aren’t acknowledging me in this moment?
Does my ego believe that I have to ALWAYS be acknowledged no matter what is going on in THEIR own lives? Is that FAIR?
It was only for a few moments… but I felt it. And, I smiled.
What if my boys weren't huggers? What if they loved me like crazy, but hugging didn't come naturally? Would it mean they loved me less? Heck NO!
So, why do we give these "signs" that we select as so crazy important?
Minutes later last night, as I was warming my food, Susy came out of the computer room, surprised I hadn’t eaten and lovingly offering to make me a meal or warm something up.
When I went to bed last night, my boys came in to give me a hug and kiss goodnight.
I love unrequested affection and acknowledgment, I thought… there are few signs of love that I appreciate more than that.
I get that when people love us, as we WANT to be loved... we feel it. When they love us as they choose to love us, sometimes we do, and sometimes we don't feel it.
Disharmony comes when we WISH people were different. When we think, If she does this, THEN she loves me. If she doesn't, I question it.
How much of your energy is spent WISHING the people you loved were different?
Think about it? how much is spent just LOVING them like crazy, exactly as they are?
We are who we are…
We love as we love…
The problem is that when we start “wishing” they were different, we start discounting and forgetting who the are, and we discount the love and attention they do give us, in their own way.
Do I set the example?
Do I get up everytime someone comes into my house? I try, but I fail. Sometimes I too am too wrapped up in what I am doing. When I show my love, do I show it as I AM, or do I show it as they want me to show it?
It is a tall order.
Love me as I AM.
It is our nature to WANT more or to WANT different…
And, it’s OK…
It’s OK to WANT more or to WANT different, as long as we always start by LOVING those we LOVE for WHO THEY ARE…
LOVE THEM for WHO THEY ARE and then show them through my own actions HOW I LOVE DIFFERENTLY… and occasionally suggest or share what I WANT…
And, slowly they will LOVE ME slightly more as I WANT but still as who they ARE…
As I get older, and hopefully wiser… I DON’T WISH THEY loved me differently or more….
I am grateful for the love they give me… AS I AM…. I try to be very conscious of all of the respect, and the affection, and the consideration that everyone gives me…
It is that simple, and that complicated.
Love me as I AM…
I will love you as YOU ARE…
And, ONLY from there… from that place of TRUST…. we can grow happily into the love we BOTH WANT!
Yours in harmony,
Nestor