The difference between harmony and disharmony is subtle and yet, ABSOLUTE.
I am so often more critical about situations than most people around me, and yet I am given more leeway, more room to push.
When I was with 180s and the company was going wrong, a lot of people got fired and often the commentary was around, “they aren’t supportive of our direction”.
Really?
I asked our CEO, “aren’t I much more critical about our direction than many of these folks?”.
His response, “Somehow, I always know that you are pushing for what is right for the company. Even though you push, you never push AGAINST ME, you always push FOR the company and IN the best interest of the company?”
How is my “pushing” and my “criticality” any different than others?
Today I was helping my son in math and I was pushing, pushing hard. He is way too dependent on the calculator, so I push him. And, I am critical, and he smiles and listens and sometimes pushes back.
But, he doesn’t take my comments personally, and that gives me room to push. He doesn’t get defensive with my comments. He considers them.
What is the DIFFERENCE? It’s subtle, but its absolute in the difference it has on the majority of people receiving it.
I try to never see my feedback as “me” vs. “you”.
I try to never see your position as “wrong” vs. “right”.
I try to push us, not in “MY” direction, but in “THE” direction that seems the most logical.
I try not to take personally any push back against my position. I try to consider why your direction is different. I try to consider what aspects of your suggestions can blend in with mine. I try to evolve and iterate THE direction that makes sense to me by building on it with aspects of the direction that you recommend.
Even with folks who make their direction very personal, or occasionally attack my person as they try to defend against what they see as “MY” direction… I try to stay objective.
WHY? Because the minute I take it personally, we’re going to war, and we’re done constructing a possible direction.
DISCLAIMER: This works! And, it is harder to apply in some situations versus others. It is hardest in marital situations because the line between personal and non-personal is so slight. But the principles are the exact same, and probably more important and sensitive to be mindful of in highly emotional situations.
Please understand – this does not mean that I am not passionate about the direction that I think is right. This does not mean that I am not emotionally engaged with the situation. This does not mean that some of the defensiveness or feedback is not frustrating… it just means that the level to which I tie my direction with my person is the level to which I become ineffective at moving toward the reality that I seek.
It’s a delicate line. The difference is SUBTLE… but the difference is ABSOLUTE.
Let’s see if I can paint some pictures…
When I see a ref make a bad call, I assume he didn’t see it, not that he or she intended to make a bad call.
When I see an overweight person, I assume they were never taught appropriate nutrition, or how to eat well, or that maybe they are struggling with some aspects of life.
When I see someone who smokes, I don’t assume they are “bad” or “ignorant”, I just wish they would be able to find a way to replace the need for a cigarette with something else.
When I see a player miss a play, I knew they were trying to make the right play, or perhaps they couldn’t see the right play. Never that they weren’t trying hard enough.
Even when players “aren’t trying hard enough”… they are trying as hard as they thought they needed to at that moment. So, when I push them, I make sure they hear in my tone that they want to do it.
Whenever someone makes a mistake at work, when a project manager misses some detail on the site, I never assume they didn’t want to find it, or that they wanted to be “careless”.
Whenever I disagree with one of my colleagues, I always know they are pushing in what they believe is the best interest of the company. They are always TRYING to do the right thing.
SO – any suggestion, or inference, or insinuation that somehow because we disagree they don’t care, or they aren’t smart, or that they somehow don’t want the best for the company, or the relationship, or the family creates defensiveness and disharmony.
Human nature is such that the MOMENT we think someone is questioning our INTENT, we shift to FIGHT or FLIGHT.
Human nature is such that the MOMENt we think someone is questioning our INTENT, we shift to DEFEND OUR HONOR and OUR POSITION.
We no longer are “CONSTRUCTING” the best solution together, we are ARGUING for the CORRECT position, we are “FIGHTING” to prove who is right….
How often does that work?
How often can we truly convince someone that “WE ARE RIGHT” and that “THEY ARE WRONG”?
And, if that is where it ends up… sometimes data becomes overwhelming, or the arguments become compelling, so one of the two sides gives up…. And the other side “WINS”…
But, now, its ONE to NOTHING… and the next argument, I am even more revved up to try to WIN…
Virtually NO conversation that I am in is a WIN or LOSE.
I know it may be a WIRING issue in my brain, but I want to MINIMIZE the aspects of my life where winning or losing is relevant.
If you live your life with a WIN / LOSE attitude, then you will LOSE OFTEN… maybe less than 50% of the time, maybe less than 25%... but you will lose often…
AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, more than 75% of the time you will leave people behind FEELING like they LOST and likely no longer working in your best interest, or potentially looking to BEAT YOU at the next crack.
There is nothing wrong with living that way…. It is just a lifestyle of DISHARMONY.
And, EVERYTHING will be a battle.
Yes, there are times when winning or losing is relevant.
We are bidding a very large project right now and there will be a winner and losers. And, I try to keep those aspects of my life very specific, very contained both in term of number of frequencies, and number of people involved.
Winning and losing is a part of life…
Not pretending that its NOT. But, I am saying, it applies to a VERY small percentage of our moments.
Even with the soccer teams that I coach, winning and losing is like #50 on the “things that matter” list. “Winning is more fun than losing”, I tell the team. That is true. But, I also tell them, “We don’t control whether we win or lose. We only control how well we play, how hard we play, how smart we play, how much we play as a team. And, IF we do those things well, then we will likely win more often than we lose.”
I really think that is where the subtlety comes from…
I like to win, but I don’t define myself by winning. I try to define my life by whether I played better today than I did yesterday.
I like to be right, but I don’t define myself by being right. I try to define my life by whether I can bring those I love and care about and work with to the best possible direction and conclusions on the decisions that we make, and I try to make my influence and contribution a constructive one in that process.
Ultimately, IT’S NOT ABOUT ME…. IT JUST ISN’T, and I TRY TO REMEMBER THAT ALL THE TIME in conversations….
It’s about US.
It’s about THE KIDS.
It’s about THE FAMILY.
It’s about THE COMPANY.
That is where the subtle tone comes from…
I know I am rambling on – but this is so PARAMOUNT to HARMONY…
When we make it about OURSELVES, we can’t help but make it personal and take it personally.
When the kids go to bed on time, is it about me or them?
When the kids don’t take a shower, is it about me or them?
When we disagree about the direction of the company, or a new hire, or the performance of an individual, or the relevance of a project… OR WHATEVER…
Is it ABOUT ME, or ABOUT what is right for THE COMPANY?
The answer when we are thinking rationally is EASY.
OF COURSE, its about the company, the kids, the relationship.
But, dissect the conversation. Dissect your emotions. Dissect the details of your tone, of your words, of your approach….
Assess them with candor, with self awareness, with objectivity….
We usually CAN’T EVEN see it in ourselves.
Most people I talk to cant tell the difference. They don’t think they are taking it personally… but they are taking it so deeply personally.
That is why (in most things) I truly want your feedback…
Because I KNOW deep down inside that I am trying so hard.
Because I KNOW the spirit of my intent and the sincerity of my purpose.
Even if your feedback is personal and critical…. I will almost always be able to separate the value of your content from the personalization of it…
Some friends at times question or conclude, in my opinion mistakenly, that in order to do that, I must table my emotions, that I must force myself not to feel.
I do FEEL… I feel a lot… I try to feel everything. I just try to separate the moments where I feel from the moments where I am trying to reach a new reality.
FEELINGS are a key and very real part of our absolute truth. I am not suggesting that they aren’t.
I am suggesting that once we feel them, once we acknowledge them, we need to DISASSOCIATE them from our approach, from our conversation… because the absolute truth of how to construct is ABSOLUTELY more effective if we can talk about the situation INDEPENDENT of the personalized emotions.
It is so SUBTLE… and yet it is SO palpable…. So ABSOLUTE in the difference in how your direction, your influence is received and embraced.
Harmony… it’s subtle in its execution, and its absolute in its affect on your life and the lives of everyone you know.
Yours, right or wrong, in harmony ;-)
Nestor