I don’t need any gifts for Father’s Day…
Being a father is the greatest gift that I have ever received.
I remember struggling with my dad, trying to figure out what to get him for Father’s Day.
As I got older, I would write him these long letters that I knew he loved. And, they would take me time, because I would never write something I didn’t feel. To tell him all the things he meant to me, and keeping it real and strong and positive was possible, but not easy.
I always felt like he deserved to know, even if for a moment, what a wonderful man I knew he was, even if that wonderful man was at times hidden behind his own insecurity or behind the behavior that he had concluded showed strength.
I remember sitting in a parking lot with my dad. I must have been about 9 or 10 years old and we got into a conversation about respect. "You have to respect me, because I am your father." He said. "Well then, you have to respect me because I am your son." I replied. "No, it doesn't work that way. You have to respect me because I am your father. I don't have to respect you."
I know that my dad never meant it that way. And, he certainly has never intentionally disrespected me. But, that is what he he said, and I know that is what he thought. That is why my dad and I struggled so. That is why we struggled for so long. At the age of 9 or 10, I knew deep down inside that he was wrong. That he didn't get it.
If you don't share the brush... you waste the canvas.
Father’s Day… with regards to my own father was always a day of guilt for me. The guilt of not being the son that I was supposed to be. But that has changed in recent years, both because my role as son has changed, but much more so, because I got to be the dad!
Father’s Day… with regards to my children has always been a day of joy, and I am hopeful and confident that it will never change.
Unlike birthdays, you have to earn Father’s Day. Not only is it about having kids, which is the “ticket to play”, but you need to put in your time ;-) I never wanted to be a dad that demanded my children's attention on Father's Day. I dream of being a dad whose children are happy its father's day.
I am a most imperfect father, and, a most grateful one. The relationship with my three boys has been “pure” in that we started with a blank canvas. I realize, unlike my father, that relationships are a work of art that require both artists to contribute. I write that “I am the author. Life is my book, my only work of art.”
While true, that sentiment is misleading because relationships are co-written. They are indeed a work of art. And, my boys have shown me a whole new dimension of art, a whole new sense of satisfaction, a whole new passion with purpose, and a whole new sense of worth… derived from the absolute certainty of their love.
You can't be the sole author of a magnificent relationship. The beauty of relationships comes from the exchange between two artists. The unique beauty of parenthood is that you start with a blank canvas.
I wrote a letter to myself nearly 25 years ago. It was a letter sharing with me the kind of man I wanted to become over time. In it I wrote, “I want to be the kind of dad whose kids are not afraid to hug and kiss him in public”. While it did speak in many ways to the kind of dad I wanted to be, I had no idea.
The most exciting part of relationships, as an art form, is that if you have two artists who are inspired and committed to the relationship, the work of art can grow and expand and become more and more beautiful over time. It is like a beautiful painting on an endless canvas. You enjoy it fully, and every time you turn back to look at it, it is even greater and more inspiring and thought provoking.
I remember the day my oldest son was born. It was late at night in a small old fashioned hospital on a mountain top in Hong Kong. I held my son, after a long day (most certainly longer for mama). His eyes looked like two black onyx stones staring back at me – but warm and tender as they have always been.
To be honest, that first moment, I didn’t feel love. I felt responsibility. I felt the world changing. I thought to my self… “Who are you? We don’t even know each other yet, and I am supposed to love you. Who will you become? Who will we become?” I hugged him, and kissed him, and held him… and with the first stroke of my brush on our canvas, or perhaps his was the first stroke made with his eyes, I felt the connection and immediately fell in love.
When my other two sons were born, I knew what was to come, and that first moment when our eyes met, the feeling was different. My oldest had shown me what it meant to be a father. And, I couldn’t wait to start anew.
When my boys were small & young, I worried that I would lose them as they got older. I momentarily wished that they would never grow up – that I would be able to have them and hold them as young kids forever. I wanted to be able to carry them and hug them and kiss them. Wishing is pointless & wasteful.
I can’t believe I thought that even for a moment. It’s like wishing for an unfinished work of art.
Watching them grow has been the most amazing experience of my life, and they are just getting started.
It’s not just about watching them grow. It’s about watching us grow together. It’s both the inspiration they give me on my own journey, as well as the inspiration they find on their own path. And, it’s the bond and the relationship that grows between us that is the most wonderful part.
I feel their love, their respect, their concern, their ambition, their potential… deeply & completely.
When I hug them, time stops. As they get older, in their hugs I feel less the sense of wanting to be protected, and much more the sense of wanting to share. Hugs now are less about feeling safe… and much more about sharing. I am fairly certain in our hugs – we are sharing love, sharing respect, sharing a momentary celebration of this amazing work of art that we are creating together.
It is not that I am authoring their story. They are writing their own stories. What we are co-authoring is our relationship as father and son.
The most amazing thing about my relationship with my boys, and this has never been explicitly said, is that there is this mutual understanding of love and respect, that is so very unique. It is a relationship that we own together – and that we perfect together over time.
The greatest gift of fatherhood (or motherhood) is that it allows us to start a work of art on a brand new canvas. The key secret to fatherhood is that we must share the brush – and with each stroke and each day that passes we must give our children more and more room to shape the image…
Even now, I love introducing my boys to new things – it is harder and harder to do that as they get older. I love to make them laugh. I love to make them think.
Above all else, I want them to know how very completely I love them.
I didn’t learn about unconditional love as a child. My parents, while lovely, didn’t know how to teach that.
That wasn’t an initial goal of mine, to teach them unconditional love. It became a goal, as I grew smarter in being a father.
The irony, however, is that they taught me unconditional love. They are the first ones who made me feel it.
I love watching movies with my boys, listening to music, reading books, taking walks, going for runs, holding hands, exchanging ideas, dreaming, exploring, wondering, dining, cooking, camping, coaching, playing, conversing with my boys. LOVE IT. I love sharing with them, and I love the fact that they love to share back.
It is difficult to capture what being a father means to me in words. It is a satisfaction greater than any I thought I’d ever feel. It is a love purer than any I thought I’d ever feel. It is a purpose clearer and bolder than any I thought I’d ever feel.
I do know that I no longer feel guilt on Father’s Day, but gratitude. I love my father, and I know he loves me. But, we didn't take advantage of the canvas we shared...
I don’t feel the guilt of being an imperfect son.
I feel the gratitude of being an imperfect father…
and a co-artist of three of the most breath-taking relationships and works of art.
If I was to write a new letter to myself, looking out another 25 years, I would write…
“To my boys, thank you for teaching me unconditional love.
I hope to be the kind of father
who always made you laugh, think and consider.
who never stopped evolving over time.
who inspired you to author your own story.
made you wildly comfortable with your own imperfection.
who helped you see your own invincibility.
who allowed you the freedom to paint with your own brush.”
Why fill kids with guilt when you can fill them with gratitude?
Feeling deeply grateful for the gift of fatherhood… and for having this most special day to enjoy it…
I will leave you with this poem, that I wrote when my third son was born... Happy Father's Day!
OPEN YOUR EYES
Open your eyes and reach for me.
The light of life is burning.
Your innocence is simple and pure.
Welcome to my embrace -
My love will complement you.
My drive will support you.
My life will celebrate you.
I am your father -
My strength will give you confidence.
My love will give you peace.
My tears will give you complexity.
Be generous -
The words you speak will present you.
The acts you do will define you.
The love you share will bring you happiness.
Be strong -
You will be your most powerful ally - and at times,
You will be your biggest enemy.
You must always look to yourself to rise above.
Be loved -
Be humble yet believe in yourself.
Be honest but not overly critical.
Be open to ideas - but sound in your principles.
YOU are my son -
You are the miracle that gives ME life.
You are the fuel that burns within me.
You are my blessing and my fortune.
Open your eyes and reach for me.
The light of life is burning.
Welcome to my embrace...
Nestor