It is one of the things that sets me apart.
It doesn’t seem like a
special thing.
unusual thing.
powerful thing.
But, MY, OH MY… it is EVER!
You hear all this talk of “TRUST”. Trust is key. Trust is important. People write books about it. We all generally “get it”.
And, yet, the world is full of distrust.
Our companies are full of distrust.
Our relationships can be full of distrust.
I BELIEVE YOU!
Someone the other day said to me, “You see the best in me. You see a side of me that I wish the rest of the world saw. That is why I TRUST YOU!”
I didn’t think much of it at the time. But, then, I watched conversations.
And, I saw that SO VERY OFTEN, we just DON’T BELIEVE EACH OTHER.
A program manager says they are concerned about the schedule, and her colleagues, or her management confronts them on why the schedule is right, why the schedule is necessary, why there is no need to be concerned.
A son says he has it under control, and we don’t believe him.
A person says they are afraid of guns, and we tell them mental illness is what they should be worried about.
A manager says they really care about people. An employee hears it and doesn’t believe.
An employee says they are doing their best, and management things that they are looking for loopholes.
We live in a world of ORs – and ORs are most often DISHARMONY.
ORs are like BUTs… they inherently make us defensive, reduce collaboration, and engage in consumption of energy and belligerence instead of construction and harmony.
Someone says they are concerned – and I believe them. In fact – I TRY TO ENCOURAGE THEM to be concerned, to explore that concern, to engage me in that concern so that we can better understand it.
Even if I am not concerned in the slightest, perhaps I should be, or perhaps by understanding their concern, I may be able to help them see it differently. But, telling them their concern is unnecessary and “incorrect” because its based on the wrong assumptions gets me nowhere.
Someone says they care about people – and I believe them. Even if the behavior that they sometimes demonstrate doesn’t reflect that believe. I don’t question their intent or their care, I try to help them see the affect of their behavior and possibly modify it to better reflect their values. Others immediately conclude that because the behavior is not consistent with the values – they must not be telling the truth.
Someone says they are trying to do the best job that they can – and I believe them. Even if their performance is inferior. And, my job is to understand what they are doing and help them see that they may be able to do things differently in order to achieve different results. Others believe that its “lip service” so that they don’t get in trouble.
It never felt like an unusual approach, but as I watch conversations, I think truly believing people, specially on topics that are tense, stressful, or uncomfortable is not the norm.
We have what WE BELIEVE… either out of our own values, or out of our own observations about people. IF what they say doesn’t match what we believe, we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt.
In some form we are saying this…
“That is not what I see, and I am right, so you must not be telling me the truth.”
This is where the OR kills us and kills TRUST!
Either what I believe must be true OR what you believe must be true. SO, I choose me!
What if we lived in those moments with AND.
What if we could embrace the thought that…
I believe that what I believe is true, AND I believe what you are saying is true… but there is a conflict.
THEN, I must ASK MORE QUESTIONS. I MUST BETTER UNDERSTAND your perspective and mine.
VIRTUALLY EVERY TIME – our beliefs are based on real assumptions that are valuable.
By probing deeper into what we believe, we are able to uncover real concern, real risk, real care, and real opportunity.
By probing deeper into what we believe mutually, we show concern, we show care, and we create opportunity.
By BELIEVING in people – we build relationships, we build trust, we avoid mistakes, we craft greater solutions, we create an environment that is respected and engaging…
We create an environment of real TRUST… and all the great things that come with it.
I never thought believing people was a secret weapon, or a special skill… but it is an underused one.
On occasion, people do mislead us, and when they do, it all resolves itself.
Occasionally someone does possibly give me lip service, or out and out lie.
Most of the time, I really do believe that even when people are misleading, inside their own heads they still don’t see it. IT is still not malicious. It is just a lack of objectivity and rationality.
And, on those occasions, the eventual conclusion is reached. Someone is fired, someone leaves, a relationship ends, etc.
But, I will continue to take that chance because the upside is WAY TOO BIG AND IMPORTANT.
I will continue to take the risk of believing people because life has shown me that THE VAST MAJORITY OF TIMES they are very much telling the truth and there is value in their perspective.
I will continue to RISK BELIEVING IN PEOPLE because CHOOSING NOT TO BELIEVE THEM IS A WHOLE LOT RISKIER!!!
I will continue to BELIEVE IN PEOPLE because the world around me is a much greater place, when I do. And, the people around me, deserve that world and that consideration.
consider ME…
hear ME…
Please,
PLEASE,
PLEASE…
… JUST BELIEVE ME!
... AND BELIEVE THOSE you live and work with...
And the "MAGIC of TRUST" will appear!
Yours in harmony,
Nestor