I often say that I am very comfortable with the "IS" that I am imperfect.
I walk around proud that I know that I make mistakes.
If I misspeak or stumble or make an error in some tactical calculation.... EHHH I am imperfect. I can live with that...
On the whole, our strategy as a company, I am convinced is a good one. It addresses the right opportunities, the clients are engaged with it, and our trends are all pointing in the right direction.
But occasionally, I find myself having made some kind of strategic error that affects our trajectory and others in some real way, and that weighs on me like an elephant sitting on my chest.
What disturbs me even more is when I have had a "sense" of something being "off" for some time, but allowing ourselves to stay the course because enough of our leadership feels strongly about it.
I don't know where imperfect stops and weak starts. Where does our imperfection flow into a lack of courage to act on your sense of what is right? When does the desire for collaboration and "harmony" in a group create an eventual greater disharmony?
I don't feel imperfect at moments like this...
I feel ineffective.
I feel unwise.
And, those feelings push through my harmony shield and strike at my core.
Knowing what is the "better" course is useless if you don't consistently show the courage and the leadership to follow it.
I used to say when I was a kid, "I always knew right from wrong, I just didn't always choose it." I could never really say, "oh, I didn't realize I wasn't supposed to do that."
As I get older, I want to be wiser, more effective, and more courageous.
I guess despite my affirmations to the opposite, I am selectively ok with being imperfect.
I am ok to being imperfect on the things about life that only affect me.
I am ok to being imperfect on the things about life that are trivial.
But, the truth is, I am still not OK with being imperfect where it impacts other people...
And, I am certainly not ok with being ineffective or unwise, and nothing weighs on me like knowing that I lacked the "courage" or the "conviction" to follow my sense of what was right.
There is a time to collaborate and a time to impose...
And, I need to be more perfect about knowing the difference.
Or, maybe I'm just not ok with being imperfect after all. Wishing I was better or stronger won't help anything. I just need to show up and BE better and stronger and continue to learn from my mistakes.
Yours in imperfect harmony,
Nestor