I remember weekends when I was a young boy. I couldn’t wait for Saturday morning. I’d get up early, before my parents, and I would turn on Tom and Jerry or the Roadrunner and I can still feel the happiness. My sister would be asked to be brought to my bed, and we would watch together for hours.
Good times!
These days, my youngest son gets up first on the weekends, and his ritual is to go downstairs and play MindCraft.
I get it. When you are 12 years old… It is joy! It doesn't get much better than that!
These days “screen time” comes in so many shapes and styles that we are so very often “on screen”.
While it drives us so crazy as parents, we are addicted in our own ways. (Conversation for another day…)
So, my youngest is a little obsessed with MindCraft. On weekends, it's a constant request or demand to get him to do other things. He does do other things, it just takes mom or dad to redirect. And, that gets tiring.
This past weekend, it wasn’t even 11 am on Saturday, and tempers were starting to flare.
My wife and I were frustrated by our weekend ritual, and I believe my son was as well.
He had been on screen for about 3 hours.
I was going to go on an errand for mom’s birthday the next day.
We asked him to get off screen, and I asked him if he wanted to come.
He was having a very controlled fit – more of an angry moment by himself.
I wanted to lose it.
“YOU’VE BEEN ON SCREEN FOR 3 HOURS & I ASK YOU TO COME WITH ME AND YOU GET ANGRY! HOW UNGRATEFUL!” I wanted to yell.
It was a moment of disharmony… deep down inside I WISHED he wasn't so addicted to screen. I probably wished we all weren’t so addicted to screens. I wished he would not be so angry. I wished there wasn’t that tension already in our home so early into a weekend. (At least save that for the Sunday afternoon blues ;-)
So, I called my son down to the family room, and he came begrudgingly. He STOMPED onto the family room, I was in the kitchen eating area, and he was about to FLOP angrily onto the couch.
“NO!” I said in a louder voice than I probably intended.
“NOT THERE… HERE!” I pointed to the chair next to me.
He reluctantly obliged and plopped himself slouched back on the chair next to me.
“What do YOU want NOW?” Was what he wanted to say, but didn’t.
I took a deep breath and tried to find a whole different tone.
I wanted to change the entire trajectory of this weekend, deliberately. Or, at least, create the possibility of change.
I honestly felt all of the anger and frustration drain away from me, and I tried to fill myself with empathy and love.
I started talking to him as an equal, with respect and caring concern.
“Weekends are harder than weekdays, they require a different level of DELIBERATENESS over our actions.” I felt like I was reciting my Weekend Blues conversation on HARMONY from a few weeks back.
“We have more discretion and control over what we can choose to do.”
“I struggle with weekends... often. I get angry when I don't get a morning workout. I get angry when I feel like I am wasting time or when I am not enjoying myself as much as I had expected to… it happens to all of us.”
“And, we have all of these moments where we can choose to be deliberate about what we do, or we just default to the mindless momentum of the screen closest to us.”
He was listening.
I talked to him about the concept of addiction. And, its drawbacks & side affects.
I talked about my struggle with weekends and the times during the weekend where I feel great. The kinds of things we do that make me feel full and make me feel joy. And, those tend to be always deliberate moments where I am being constructive, even if it is constructively unproductive. When I am feeding my mind or my heart or my body… I feel joy. And, that is different than when I am just letting time pass on mindless activity. I told him my moments of joy so very often include him and time with our family.
Then, I turned the conversation to him. “Be DELIBERATE. I said.”
I gave him the options. “You can come with me to buy the food for mommy’s birthday tomorrow. You can stay here and go outside and play basketball. You can go upstairs and read and reset your mind. You can take a nap. Heck, you can even go back and play more mindcraft. You are a young man, and growing up is about becoming better at making decisions with our time.“
“YOU DECIDE… but be deliberate! And, lets enjoy this weekend together.”
I had been talking for 3 to 4 minutes…
Tears were rolling down his eyes by this point. And, my heart was full.
He stood up.
He caught me by surprise as I stood.
He hugged me tight.
I adjusted my embrace, and held him close and tight.
He didn’t say anything. We just hugged tightly.
I told him I loved him.
“What are you going to do?” I asked.
“Dad, I don't want to come with you. I am going to go upstairs and relax and read.”
“Perfect!” I said.
He read for an hour and a half, and the entire tone of our weekend was different.
As I drove to do my errand, I thought to myself, "I have these huge expectations of my kids. But, if I really think about it, how well do I do at making the most of my weekends? How well do other adults I know do?" The ACKNOWLEDGEMENT that our children's issues are so similar to our own... that WE SHARE our issues... WE SHARE our IMPERFECTIONS... is the CORE, I believe to communicating with our children... and ANYONE ELSE for that matter.
OUR ACKNOWLEDGING that we TOO are imperfect... is what makes trust (and thus) communication possible!
Now, the immediate thought that comes into many parents’ minds is…
“Let’s see how long that lasts!”
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Don’t GO THERE!!!
OK – FINE… GO THERE!
But that turns a moment of harmony, immediately back to a moment of disharmony because it goes back to wishing that we weren’t all addicted to screens, and it goes back to wishing kids weren’t kids… AND, YOU NEVER ACHIEVE HARMONY – HAPPINESS OR SUCCESS THAT WAY!
CELEBRATE HARMONY when it happens.
ACKNOWELDGE IT… SAVOR IT… AND, KNOW THAT YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN AGAIN…
DELIBERATELY!!!
Of course, my son will go back to wanting more screen time.
HE’S A KID!
Of course, we will have some frustration with pulling him off.
WE ARE HIS PARENTS!
But, we will also have this moment we just had.
He will have that information.
He will feel that love.
He will own that respect.
And, so very importantly, HE and I will both know that we can turn angry and frustrated feelings into feelings of empathy, understanding and joy… ALMOST INSTANTLY.
We can turn disharmony into harmony … IN A SINGLE MOMENT!
He will know that…
And, we will make it happen again…
Because, we have made it happen before…
And, all of those things will be true, as will the fact that his (and our) addiction to screens will be something that we will continue to work with and struggle with…
It’s LIFE! The situations that we encounter at home, at work, in our own minds reoccur. Hopefully, over time, over finding harmony over and over and over…
We get faster at it.
We get better at it.
We get more deliberate at it.
And, we must CONTINUE to find it… over and over and over again.
The thought of “Let’s see how long this lasts” not only steals joy and harmony from our moment, but invites back disharmony almost instantly.
“Let’s make THIS (harmony) last!” is a much stronger thought.
“And, when we lose it, because we will… LET’S GET IT RIGHT BACK!”
YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
That’s harmony, baby. That is a happy (or happier) household! That is taking the power back from the default life that we otherwise live.
THAT IS OWNING HAPPINESS, deliberately.
And, the younger we teach our children the difference… the greater their ability to develop and own harmony in their own lives.
I fail at parenting all the time.
I get frustrated.
I raise my voice.
I run out of energy.
And, I remind myself, as often as I can that there is AN ALTERNATIVE to every parenting situation.
HARMONY begets HARMONY
DISHARMONY begets DISHARMONY…
And, when I am parenting, am I prolonging the disharmony or introducing harmony?
Because, I KNOW that it’s a moment away. I just have to rely on empathy, respect, trust and love… and it’s right there.
CELEBRATE harmony in your moments.
When I got back from the store, Marco came downstairs.
“I have been reading the whole time! And, you are the world’s greatest hugger!” He said.
Wow, I love this amazing kid!
“No, YOU are the world’s greatest hugger!” I replied.
Harmony begets Harmony!
Nesto