I want you to like me…
Sounds WEAK... doesn’t it?
But, I REALLY DO!
So so often I hear leaders of all types say to me or to others…
“I don’t want people to like me, I want them to respect me!”
Or, something along the lines of,
“I’m not here for people to like me, I am here to get the job done!”
Have you ever heard that?
Have you ever said that?
Every time I hear it, it concerns me… for the person who says it and for their organization.
Trust me, I GET IT!
As leaders, there are decisions that we make that are necessary and unpopular, and we must make them. I get that part.
But, some leaders start to take some pride in the need “NOT TO BE LIKED!”
They start to have a tone of “it would be weak if I felt that people needed to like me.”
So, what’s wrong with this picture?
1. I don’t believe it! I don’t believe that people don’t want to be liked, or don’t consider that important. I believe that some of us would like to convince ourselves of that, but the raw human spirit that I have seen and known for 48 years really wants to be liked. Being liked, affirms us. It acknowledges our worth. It just feels good. So, I don’t believe that you as a leader, don’t care about being liked.
2. WHY IS IT AN “OR” and not an “AND”? I want to be respected AND I want to be liked. I want to go for both. Those of you who know me, know that I don’t like the word OR. We overuse it. Why does it have to be OR? Why can’t we strive for wanting to be respected and liked? (This is a topic for a different post, but think about it, why must me make it an OR!!!!) NOTE: I am not saying we will succeed, but why aren’t we struggling with how to do that?
3. BEING LIKED is a POWERFUL THING! Now, I know that we all have the 8th grade English teacher that we didn’t like, but learned to love. I get that. But think about it. How often do you show up with your best self for people you don’t like? How often do you come up with your best work for people you don’t like? How often do you keep working for someone you just DON’T LIKE? And, if you do stay… how often are you a NEGATIVE force toward people you DON’T LIKE? Come on, be honest…
We do our best work for people we like! We give more of ourselves, we come up with better ideas, we work longer hours… and, we stay longer with people we like…
AND, WE ENJOY OUR TIME with people we like!
Tell me that is not something worth striving for!!!
So, I get we need to make hard decisions, but why can’t we make hard and great decisions and WORK and SPEAK and SHOW UP in a way that also says… I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME?
It’s not something you can say out loud… it sounds manipulative, contrived and weak. I get that…
But WE SPEAK WITH OUR ACTIONS! And, when we tell ourselves, I don’t want to be liked or I don’t need to be liked… PEOPLE HEAR IT THROUGH OUR BEHAVIOR.
We are making an assumption when we say “I don’t want to be liked.”
We are saying EITHER I make necessary good decisions and you won't like me, OR I make a bad one and you will.
We are presuming that people can’t tell the difference between the right decision and the decision they will like.
That is NOT giving people the appropriate respect. I respect people who work with me. I respect that they will understand what is best for the company. I respect that they want to hear the truth. I respect that they want to be respected.
So, when I make hard decisions that they may not like, I tell them why. I explain to them what we are doing, how I feel it helps us, and the vast majority appreciate it. Even, occsasionally, when they are possibly financially hurt in some small way or some other way disappointed with the decision.
Trying to make good hard decisions AND wanting to be liked forces you to CONSIDER WHY you are making the decisions. And, understand the rationale clearly.
What trying to make good hard decisions AND wanting to be liked forces you to do, is EXPLAIN CLEARLY why you are making those decisions. And, sharing it with people openly and transparently.
What trying to make good hard decisions AND wanting to be liked forces me to do,
is LISTEN TO PEOPLE when I share my rationale, and really hear what they say, potentially modifying my decision in some way that accomplishes the need with minimized pain. And, showing people that I respect them and value their opinion.
I want to be liked because I believe people are smart!
I want to be liked because I believe people want the best for our company!
I want to be liked because I believe the perception of me is very close to the reality of me!
So, I believe that I can make good and hard decisions AND win both the respect and the “like” of the vast majority of my team!
Now, don’t misunderstand me.
I also realize that not everyone will like me. That's ok. Or, maybe better stated, I realize not everyone will like every decision I make. But, I find that showing up in this way makes it more likely they will occasionaly not like my decision... but still find they are ok with me.
I don’t EXPECT to be liked by everyone.
I don’t EXPECT to be respected by everyone.
Because I need to be true to my values and my sense of right and wrong, and for them to be worthy... they can't be universal.
But, people liking me or not, is a really important mechanism for me to know if the COLLECTIVE voice / personality / organization thinks I am working in their best interest!
People like people who value them.
People like people who do right by them.
POSSIBLY, and very importantly, there is a correlation between TRUST and LIKE.
Do I value my team? Do I want to do right by them? Do I want them to trust me? Then WHY on earth wouldn't I work really hard for them to like me?
That doesn't mean - I will ever DO things that are not in the best interest of the business, or things that are right...
But I may do them a little slower at times. I may phase them. I may modify HOW I do them, or HOW they are structured so as to minimize pain while maximizing benefit...
I will never do the wrong thing consciously for being liked, but I think I will make better decisions by doing the right things for the business WITH THE DELIBERATE INTENT to have them be embraced by the organization (i.e. liked).
It's very different, than giving up on the "I want to be liked" desire, and seeing the world as the "I do the RIGHT thing" OR "I do the thing that will get me "likes". JUST DON'T MAKE IT AN OR, and keep open the possibility of both... or some alternative closer to both...
I realize sometimes the “hurt” caused by my decisions are too hard to overcome. People take reductions in force, or changes in benefits, or changes in assignments personally.
I realize not everyone can put their emotions aside and react rationally to different messages or situations.
And, sometimes what is good for the company, is NOT good for every individual in it. All TRUE!
But that does not make me hesitate for a moment… in my desire to achieve respect and like… to make good hard decisions and make them in a way that people have the opportunity and the possibility to understand, comment on, and embrace.
I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME!!!
Not just because it feels good, but because I care about you.
Not just because it gives me the best of you, but because it gives you the best of ME!
Not just because it benefits my company, but because it makes your life more enjoyable while you are in it.
Not just because its SMART, but because I APPRECIATE YOU, VALUE YOU, and WANT TO BUILD HARMONY into our relationship and company.
HARMONY BEGETS HARMONY
DISHARMONY BEGETS DISHARMONY
I want you to like me because I respect you and think you are smart!
And, while I may not tell you out loud… you will hear it in my actions…
Next time you hear a leader say "They don't care if they are liked... pause... and think about this"
How are they showing up differently in the world because they have given up on that WANT, even for a moment.
I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME… and I think about that in every moment!
AND I WANT TO LIKE YOU…
So, I will work to see the value in you, the drive in you, the unique human being in you…
And, if nothing else it will make my every day more joyful…
And, it will ensure that you see and get the very best of ME!
Like can be a powerful thing...
Yours in harmony,
Nestor
SPECIAL NOTE: Re-read this with the thought of your children, not just your employees. LIKE can be a tremendous and powerful force with your children... They may not like you in every moment... but think about this whole conversation with your children in mind...