It's 3:30 am and I have been up for hours...
I don't remember a time where there was more going on in my mind than there is these days...
I miss writing.
I am attempting to play two roles at work and while we are making progress, the pace of the days and my need to be "present" at virtually every moment during the day leaves me with very little energy at night.
I want to be "present" for my boys, and I try to be, but the moments we get to share seem limited and occasionally rushed. Thoroughly enjoying playing tennis with my oldest, who is very into it. Enjoying teaching my middle son to drive. Love that! And, still coaching my youngest in soccer.
I am failing at being present for my wife.
I am working out regularly, often squeezing it in the early morning hours, and occasionally sharing a work out with my sons (really enjoy that).
My dad from 3,500 miles away requires a significant amount of my discretionary mindshare. He needs me right now.
Mine are good "problems" to have.
I understand that.
They aren't problems. It is just life, requiring my attention across so many fronts. I like the metaphor of war... you can't fight too many battles at the same time because it fragments your army and your strength.
Over the coming weeks, I am supposed to be in California for a week, Phoenix for a week, vacation on Lake Michigan for a week (can't wait), moving our office, facilitating a mid-year strategic plan, bringing in our engineers for training at our corporate offices, launching my son's soccer team, getting hours on the road with my new driver, enjoying time with my son who will be leaving for college in 2 months time, resolving my father's issues with his insurance and mutual funds, my aunt wants me to make a trip to Peru, and I'd like to keep my body and mind strong. (I keep leaving out being a good husband from my list, and I need to be careful with that... It's the issue with marriage, I think... we prioritize our spouses last on our list... and that takes a toll.).
I am blessed.
I am attempting to be the father, the son, the director, the president, the man, the husband, the friend that I have always wanted to be.
I don't know exactly which part I am supposed to let up on...
Which of those can I not give my best effort to?
Or, maybe I need to be all of those, and its the granularity of my activities within any one of those that needs to be revisited.
Work is definitely the "category" that is insatiable these days...
I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but its a really, really long tunnel.
It's almost 4 am. I need to go to the airport soon.
When life gets to this point, I tend to focus on the immediate harmony and the very long term harmony. I see how all of this gets me to a better place. And, I take a deep breath and just focus on attacking the next moment in the most productive way.
There are times, when I forget to breathe.
And, then, I remember.
Deep breath...
What am I chasing?
Why do I allow my plate to get so full?
What will I regret having ignored?
What matters?
Where do I make the biggest impact?
What can and should wait?
Those are the questions of harmony.
And, I must make time to answer them...
I think about the quote from the Dalai Lama (and I am paraphrasing from memory), "The objective of life is not to continually pick up speed."
I miss writing.
I am working on my load.
I don't like sprinting through my days.
So, I need to make different decisions.
I need to learn to say NO to more.
Funny thing though, it's ME making all of the demands.
It's my own expectation of myself setting the bar.
I can be such a demanding SOB.
I know we all want answers.. but you know what they say, "Wisdom is a love affair with questions."
It's 4 am...
I am tired. I need to pack and head to the airport.
I need to make better decisions.
Do you know where your harmony is? ;-)
Hopefully, it's enjoying a restful sleep!
Nestor