I cleared out the contents of my old back pack yesterday, all over the dining room table.
It was finally empty.
It had been sitting in the family room for a couple of months, since I transferred the “mission critical” items into my new EMG back pack.
You may not build the type of relationships with your back packs that I build with mine, but mine becomes my partner.
I trust my back pack not to fail me when I reach inside for that file, that pen, that lighter, that head lamp, that computer, that cable, that whatever it is that I may need at the moment.
It goes camping with me.
It travels with me.
It struggles with me through airports.
It accompanies me through every security check point.
It is my trusted partner.
It can be a weapon.
And, I always over stuff them. I always fill them to the absolute rim, where the zippers are asking for mercy.
I won this last one at a golf outing. IT WAS FREE.
And, so after I emptied it, I put it on the steps to put in the storage, in case I someday need a pretty good back pack with a few tears along the stitching for camping or some rough outing.
That’s what killed it… the stitching along the zippers. That is usually where they fail me.
WHY THE HECK AM I KEEPING THIS BACK PACK?
I know its just a back pack, but I do this with life too. I don’t want to throw any thoughts away.
Part of me wants to break away from every thought I have ever had, and start new.
I do it with clothes.
I have thrown out some, but I keep big clothes that don’t fit in case I gain weight, and I keep slim clothes that don’t fit well for when I lose weight.
I keep going through my clothes, and each time I do, I put away some more. I put them in bags that then get put in the storage room. And, then in a year or so, I will go through the bags and throw out some garments. Each year I shed a little bit more. But, its iterative.
I DON’T WANT AN ITERATIVE LIFE… I WANT A TRANSFORMATIONAL LIFE. I WANT TO DELIBERATELY CHANGE MY TRAJECTORY BY ORDERS OF MAGNITUDE, NOT BY MILLIMETERS.
Harmony is a concept that is iterative in every moment, but it doesn’t have to be. It can take leaps in moments, and those are the moments that I want to deliberately create.
Moments where I choose to keep things that I should be tossing out – lead to lots more moments to create a separation that should have never been required.
Part of me could care less about the past. It’s history.
I truly want to lead a simple life.
I want to only embrace and carry what matters with me.
And, in so many ways, I do.
And then, there are things like this back pack, some of the books that I have read, that I have no intention to read again.
What drives me nuts, is that I am both of those people. Most people choose to be one person. They hoard stuff. They scrapbook. They keep things like ticket stubs, rose petals…
The only thing that I would miss if our entire house burned down would be the heartfelt notes that my boys, Susy and friends have written me through the years and the pictures on the computer that are visual recordings of our life. Everything else could quickly be replaced, and I truly would feel no sense of loss from…
SO, why then, do I put the back pack on the steps to put to storage instead of putting in the give away pile?
FEAR…
I say that the only fear that I have is the fear of wasting time, but that is probably not the absolute truth. I fear wasting things. I fear not being loyal. I fear that maybe someday I won’t be as fortunate and may need some of these things and I won’t necessary have the means to procure them.
I see the words come on the screen, and I struggle to believe them.
There is this emotional thread that I feel, and acknowledge that is afraid that I will never truly achieve financial independence. It’s irrational. While not impossible, if life really got to that point, a back pack would be the least of my concerns. I inherited that thread from my father, who at the age of 87 still fears not having enough money for his later years. And, while he doesn’t have “tons”, he has plenty to afford his lifestyle for decades.
My rational self is confident. My rational self is constantly rewriting my own story and working to evolve my emotional fears. And, I know I am light years ahead of where I started.
Wasting time – is the only rational and emotional fear that I have. And, I don’t want to waste time on irrational emotional fears.
I don’t want a mind, nor a storage room, full of used, consumed, enjoyed or distasteful moments, memories or things … I have no use for that… no desire for that.
I want to be about the NOW… and I am.
If anything I want to take leaps into the TOMORROW… and I am trying…
I don’t want to hold on to anything from the past, except joyful moments, and I’ll keep those with me on my person.
I live in a land where so much is wasted.
This back pack still has a lot of value to offer, but not to me.
Perhaps, what it offers me now, is a ridiculously simple training ground… If I can’t make these decisions quickly and without hesitation, I will simply NEVER become the person that I aspire to become.
I am going right now and giving away this back pack…
And, I will continue to show up in more and more moments… ready and willing to leave the past behind me.
It bothers me that I still have these threads of insecurity, fear or inefficiency…
But, my fabric is changing… my fabric is evolving and is stronger and better than its ever been.
There is no fear in me of any unraveling…
There is only the desire not to waste time mending threads that should be pulled.
Ironically, maybe the reason that my back packs fail, is because I carry so much old and unnecessary stuff in them… for the possibility that I may need them someday.
My new back pack is smaller, and I will strive to keep less in it.
Not because I want it to last forever, but because I want to be lighter on my feet… and I only want to carry with me that which really matters.
How big a load are you carrying? How much time are we spending in life and in business trying to throw away the clothes that no longer fit, the ones we should have never purchased, or the ones that bring us no value? How much time and energy are we wasting on things, initiatives, information, emotions that should have been thrown out years and years ago?
Cut the loose thread…
Empty and give away the back pack…
... keep the load lighter…
and, maybe someday I won't even need to carry around a back pack at all.
And, my mind and heart will feel an even greater joy and know an even purer harmony.
In fact, I am certain of it.
Yours in harmony,
Nestor