So, as I stood in the security line on Monday morning, I asked myself the question…
What do I take personally?
The first thing I said to myself ;-) was…
What do I take personally?
“Letting people down...
Letting myself down...”
Then, I immediately thought…
That’s part of the problem right there. The first thought is “letting people down” but against what criteria? We probably all take it personally when we let someone down, including ourselves. Am I taking personally that I am letting my son down, when I am running late because there is heavy traffic before my son’s soccer practice? Or, am I taking it personally when I chose to do something late at work and as a result I am letting him down because I am late?
When IF EVER should I take things personally?
Again, I am understanding taking it personally as defining myself by my actions… In the cases above, I am defining myself as a “failing father” for failing to show up to my son’s commitment.
Does it ever add value to take things personally?
So, I thought further… when do I take things personally, I asked myself again.
Not being prepared…
Ouch… yes that! Not being prepared… net – letting people down again. We just had our Executive Meetings and I felt like I was spending significant funds to get everyone together, and spending a significant amount of their time. I take making meaningful use of people’s time – personally.
But is that good?
Why couldn’t I just take personal responsibility for making the meeting valuable.
Does it ever add value to go the next step and take it personally?
And, I went on and asked again, What do I take personally?
Not giving my all or my best...
My intentions...
The respect of people I love...
And I realized that I take a lot less personally lately, since I have been more mindful of living a life of harmony. I truly take a lot less personally. I used to take a lot more “personally”;
Things like, my lack of financial success versus my aspirations, or the goals that I had set for myself.
Sex
My lack of success
My weight
Every error that I had made...
Every decision that I could have made better
Not having a beach house...
Not changing the world...
Not having taken full advantage of my existence and time...
Things my wife would say to me or not say…
As I think about it, I was an unpredictable emotional time bomb… defining myself randomly by the tone of something my father, mother or wife said to me, or didn’t say.
What a waste of energy…
It’s funny, I would seldom take my successful actions personally and own them, but I would take my failed actions personally. It was a form of self destruction and I was creating a persistent disharmony in myself.
I don’t know what I am supposed to take personally, but I know that I take my intent personally. If somebody questions my intent, it pushes a button.
But why would I let them questioning my integrity or my intent personally? If I myself know what my intentions where?
So, in the spirit of this conversation…
When should I take something personally TO ACHIEVE GREATER HARMONY?
When should I choose to define who I am by my actions to achieve greater harmony?
If I lie, does that make me a liar? It does, in that instant. Does it define me forever?
I don’t know the answer.
If I think of harmony, I only exist in the moment, and thus I only AM in the moment. But, that definition would allow me to violate my own principles because a moment later I could reset.
I take my relationships with people I care about and respect personally AND I take personal responsibility for them. (AND not OR)
I define myself by being someone who wants to improve the lives of those around me as the single most important aspect of my IS. Everything that I DO, I want to DO to that end.
Integrity in my life is based on sincerely executing to that end, with intention and result.
If I never succeeded at making people’s lives any better, but was always intending to – would I be letting myself down? YES. Would I take that personally? YES. Why? Because, I define myself not just as someone who is intent on improving the world around me, but I define myself as someone that actually does.
Should we take a lack of results personally?
Should my son take a “B” personally, when he could have gotten an “A”? Maybe… If he got a B because he didn’t try as hard as he wanted to.
If he got a “B” and he only wanted a “B”, and he defines himself not by wanting to be the best version of himself, but by being an acceptable student… then a B is not letting himself down and he should not take it personally.
If he defines himself as someone that wants to be the very best version of himself, and he gets a B because he chose not to study, should he take that personally? YES. But, should that be a negative? Not necessarily.
Can we actually take something personally, define ourselves by our actions, but stay objective as to the cause and the possible correction next time? I think you could. Most don’t because as soon as they take it personally, they reject the feeling of failure and become emotional, defensive and unconstructive.
So, I can take things personally AND I can take personal responsibility for things at the same time. I get that.
If I am willing to define myself by the things I do poorly, I should also be willing to define myself by the things that I do well.
On some level, I must take personally my results, not just my intent.
It can be possible for me to take things personally, defining myself by my actions, and still stay rational as to how I can improve myself and act differently next time.
While what I do does not define who I am forever, does it define who I may be in that moment? I think so.
Who I AM in one moment will not DEFINE me forever. But who I am in any moment could affect my journey for the rest of my life.
So, maybe it is less about taking things personally versus taking personal responsibility, and more about… accepting that we can be a “failure” in one moment and reset in the next moment. And, it depends on the failure.
Theoretically, if I, with the best intentions make a bad investment on futures with our companies assets, and it goes horribly wrong, it could send my company into bankruptcy. Does that make me a failure for that moment? Does it possibly affect the trajectory of my company and everyone in it? Sure. Think Lehman Brothers in 2007!
And, now that CEO that had such a massive hand in the great recession of half of a decade ago, is now making a lot of money and had fully rebounded – does it make him a failure forever? NO. Could it have? Sure.
I know I am talking in circles… but hopefully in more of a helix.
I am slowly understanding it better.
Taking things personally can be an asset. It can help me talk with passion and conviction about things that matter and define who I am and how I want to show up in the world. Taking things personally can be a great thing. Martin Luther King, Jr. took the cause of establishing a more just world personally, and thank goodness that he did.
And, taking things personally can be a fantastic liability. As it can make me, and others, less rational, less effective, less productive and actually compromise who I ultimately want to be and how I ultimately want to show up in the world.
I should take things that matter to me, personally.
Things that matter to me, deeply.
Things that if I didn’t take personally, would alter my ability to make my unique contribution in the world.
That’s what I should take personally… the things that SHOULD define me.
Now, I just need to figure out what those are ;-) I kinda know.
Sorry – that was painful.
Yours in harmony,
Nestor