I woke up this morning with tears rolling down my cheeks. It is a most joyful sorrow.
We’ve been planning and thinking of this day for so many months. So many of our friends have had their day come and go. And, I look back and realize I wasn’t nearly empathetic enough.
Our oldest leaves for college today. And, he is going far. And, he is more than ready.
I think about all the reasons for sadness, and I can’t imagine a better one.
He is an ambitious, responsible and caring young man who is striving to be the biggest and best possible version of himself.
And, ultimately that is what I live and work for… to be the best version of myself that I can be and inspire that and unleash that in those I love… most specially my boys.
I don’t know exactly where the sadness comes from… it’s the end of a most amazing chapter in our lives and the beginning of yet another.
I can’t imagine a better reason for tears.
Sorrow can exist with joy… with great joy!
He laid down next to me in bed one night this week, and we talked. I look into his eyes and I see the little baby that was so new to me for a split moment when he was born in Hong Kong, and became so immediately a part of my heart and my life. I see those curious and ambitious eyes now in the body of a formidable young man.
I think about my father. And, I get sad. I think about how many times in his life he has had to say goodbye to me, as I tried to pursue the best version of myself. For him, I imagine, it must have been so much harder, because I don’t think he ever understood what exactly I was doing or why. I think to him it was a foreign pursuit in an unknown world. So many times I have left him behind, or sent him home… And, while I felt some of his sadness, I certainly appreciate it more clearly now.
I keep thinking about the Bhuddist principle that “suffering is a part of life” and we should not expect to live without it. But, this is not suffering – not by any means. This is simply sadness and joy in a transitional moment of a blessed life.
I also think about the reality that multiple emotions live in us at the same time. We don’t have to give way to sadness without acknowledging joy and gratitude. In fact, I enjoy feeling sadness. It feels real and authentic. I think about the many types of sadnesses I know – and this is certainly a most joyful one.
I accept all aspects of my reality and my life, and with this sadness comes pride and joy and a whole new part of our journey.
I will shed more tears as I think about the end of this most domestic time as a family of 5.
I am proud, beyond words, of the young man, whose black onyx eyes I will see and love until the day I die…
We made some pancakes this morning while we played every song that we could with the word “California” in it.
It is not about me, not life, not this day. I am an observer and a participant. Emotion increases my level of awareness of others. Emotion increases my sensitivities to the moment.
My father and mother are in my heart. My boys and my wife are in my heart. My sisters are in my heart. My dear friends and their children who are all living through some similar version of this moment are in my heart…
My heart is so very full today… of so many memories…
And for some reason my eyes are so very quickly full of tears… And, I suspect that will continue for at least a little while.
But, I know sadness. And, time dries up the tears as your heart adjusts to a new normal.
And, I know joy. And, owning the pride and the opportunity of this accomplishment are the moments that we live for...
FLY & BE SAFE...
GO discover the world, son…
Go discover yourself! And, bring the very best version of yourself forward into every moment...
Be certain always that I am here for you, and that my love for you will only continue to grow...
And, I WILL miss you...
It’s a most joyful sorrow…
Life is...
Yours in harmony,
Nestor