Most of you who know me in person or through this conversation have heard me at some point talk about my father...
My father has been, in ways he would have never wanted to be, the person who most influenced me my life.
He is a good and honest man. But, for me, most of who I am has been defined by me trying to deliberately be the opposite of the example my father set for me.
My father wanted to lead with demands - I wanted to lead with inspiration.
My father parented with guilt - I wanted to parent with love.
My father aspired to liberal arts - I wanted to be an engineer.
You get the idea... the list is long...
My father was my disharmony as a child. He didn't want me to feel at home in the US, because he realized if I liked it, I would never leave. So, he consciously worked on trying to make me feel like a foreigner.
Anyway, I don't blame him for anything. He was doing the very best that he could parenting in a strange world and never having had a father figure himself (his dad died when he was 4).
Through the years, I learned how to keep my emotional distance from my Dad. I am an only child, so I could never distance myself from a contact stand point, and I lived a world away in the U.S.A whereas he lived in Peru, so the only way I could distance myself was emotionally.
It took me a LOOOONNNGGGG time to figure it out, and I am not sure I ever fully did. But, i got better through the years at not letting his comments affect me.
Whenever I called him, which was typically 4 - 6 times per week, he would almost always answer my call with "So, you forgot you had a father?" It was his way of saying "Hello - let's get this guilt thing out of the way quickly..."
Sometimes when I was short tempered I would hand the phone up quickly if he came at me with multiple guilt loaded welcomes. And, as I said, I got better.
The past few months, he sounds like a different person. He will be 88 in a couple of months, and while he is "doing great for 88" he is still 88 and doing well by doing very little.
But, I need to give him some props, some very special props. At the young age of 87 my father has become gracious.
When I call him now, he starts by saying "THANK YOU for calling". Not just that, he elaborates. He tells me that he lives for my calls. He thanks me for being there for him and not forgetting about him.
On Thursday night, I received an email from him. I cringed. Old habits die hard. "What does he want? What is he yelling at me about?" Were the thoughts that came to mind.
His email was a long list of things that he wanted to thank me for, because he forgot to thank me while I was in Peru a few weeks ago. The next morning, I called him, to thank him for the email. I hadn't called for a couple of days, because I had been very busy at work. He answered, and I expected a little 'TUDE for my couple of day absence.
He answered.
"Padre, soy yo... tu hijito!" (Dad, it's me your son.)
"Hay que bueno que me haigas llamado, porque ayer en el email me olvide de agradecerte la foto tan linda..." (Oh how wonderful that you called because in my email yesterday I forgot to thank you for the beautiful picture that you gave me..."
I literally had tears in my eyes.
Thank you for the email Papa, and no need to thank me.
He is lonely and probably, he is scared also.
And, he, for whatever reason, has chosen gratitude instead of guilt with me.
And, it warms my heart and gives me hope. I have more empathy for him than ever, and I want him to know that he is not alone.
I am so very proud of him, and so very grateful for him in return.
I know that he has always loved me as best as he knew how.
And, ultimately my issues and my interpretations of his love, have always been on me.
And, through his disharmony, he taught me harmony. He taught me the difference. And, I, and my children have benefited from the lessons he provided.
It truly is NEVER too late to change, never too late to love, never too late to say thank you!
And, it's never too late to be proud of your father...
Never too late to find harmony...
NEVER!
Nestor