If you haven’t watched Brene Brown’s video on “The Anatomy of Trust”…
YOU’VE GOT TO! It’s my newest “fave” ;-)
Paste, http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/the-anatomy-of-trust into the browser if you want to see it.
Anyway, it is a truly masterful conversation on trust and how to break it down to achieve it. In it, she speaks to the fact that trust is built from “moments”. Trust is made up from lots and lots of small details and behaviors over time.
You know I love that thought… Think “harmony” ;-)
She says that in moments where we expect trust or a certain behavior and we don’t receive it… She says that those moments are moments of “betrayal”. In these special moments, we have an opportunity to either build trust or we betray.
This thought moved me.
It moved me because it opens up the reality of INVISIBLE HARMONY.
So often I hear from people, “I don’t get why that person doesn’t trust me, I haven't done anything to deserve it.". Or, I hear people say “I just don’t trust that guy / gal.”
When confronted, the non-trustworthy person says, “why would they think that?”
And the mystery of life continues ;-)
Well, the answer may very well lie in the “invisible moments of distrust” or invisible moments of disharmony.
In moments, when we don’t show up the way people expect us to…
In moments, when we don’t do the thing people expect us to.
In moments, when we don’t demonstrate the behavior that people expect us to…
we create disharmony…
WITHOUT KNOWING IT.
And, that disharmony counts. “I wish she would have acknowledged me.” “I wish he would have cleaned this up.” “I wish he would have checked in with me.” “I wish she would have called, followed up, emailed, whatever…
So, being careful and considerate in moments is so very important and critical to building harmony with those around you, and those you love.
But, it’s not just about what you did.
“I haven’t done anything!! I don’t know why she is mad.”
So often, that is exactly the point… what we DIDN’T DO…
The affection that we didn’t demonstrate,
The patience that we didn’t have,
The words that we didn’t say,
The actions that we didn’t take.
Are where the disharmony comes from… and you had no idea. It was invisible.
So, to create harmony in your life… with the people you work with and with the people you love….
To create trust in your life… with the people you work with and the people you love…
You must learn to understand what people expect.
You must learn to see the signs, identify the misses, and do a better job of checking in.
Importantly, you need to learn to ask authentic and curious questions when you sense disappointment, anger or annoyance.
You need to make time, even when you are struggling ‘causeyou are so busy.
You need to have patience, even when you are harried.
You need to listen, even when you think you already know the answer.
And, you need to apologize, even when you aren’t sure what you did that made them mad.
What we don’t do is what creates invisible disharmony… and its affect builds invisibly over time and then shows up in very real and visible ways.
Be mindful and curious of your harmony – whether you can explain it or not…
Whether you can see it or not.
Nestor