A few years ago, my mother and father were visiting our home.
They live in Peru, and we in the USA.
I had sensed that my father was not happy, less happy than usual with me.
I am one of those people that knows when things aren't right, even if people tell me, "No, everything is ok."
My father and I drove back from one of his errands, and as we got back to the driveway he started with me...
"Your mother and I need you. And, you don't care about us."
Oh no, here we go. Guilt, as was common for me then, bubbling over inside of me.
"You know that you have never offered to let me drive your car?"
WHAT? - I wasn't expecting THAT... Where did that come from?
"I've never in my life driven a Mercedes Benz."
I don't know why that hit me like a bullet in the heart.
The thought of letting my father DRIVE my car was something that was a very foreign thought...
My father is a terrible driver.
He is almost 100 (kidding, but he was probably 85 at that time).
But the fact that the thought never crossed my mind bothered me... dissapointed me.
I let my boys LEARN to drive in my car! And, they have NEVER driven before! Didn't I trust that I could help my father steer?
The conversation was 4 years ago, and it still comes to mind so very often when I get into my car.
I don't know if its because my mother's dementia intensified after that conversation, or because that comment struck such a deep chord with me, but we have never had an angry conversation since.
He has been gracious for my efforts and I have been grateful for him.
My father NEVER drove a Mercedes in his life, and I could have offered him that treat...
And, it's not as much that I did not.
It's more that the thought of how much he may have enjoyed that NEVER even crossed my mind!
It makes me very mindful of two things:
1. So many things that I take for granted in my every day life are such very special gifts and luxuries to so many others. How many things do I blindly consume everyday that billions of others would enjoy as the treat of a lifetime?
- The warmth of a beautiful home in the winter.
- The love of an amazing and loyal woman whom I have loved for a lifetime.
- The opportunity to know and love three healthy children who love me back.
- A career that truly is a dream come true.
- My own health and ability to run and jump and play and experience physicality.
- The means to give my wife, my children all that they want and need... the freedom to travel, to hear great singers live, to see the most beautiful sights, eat the most delicious food, all simply upon my decision to do so...
- The list as you know goes on... and on...
2. I have never known life walking in my father's shoes...
I never grew up without a father. I just grew up with a difficult one ;-)
I never had to embrace two handicapped daughters.
I never had to grow up borrowing homes because my family didn't have the money to buy one.
I never had to make a decision to leave my country to get my children help.
I never had to accept that my only surviving son would live a world away in a different country.
I've never known the feeling of not being able to dream, and not had the confidence on some level that my dreams can come true.
I have never walked any distance in my father's shoes...
And, to think that I never gave him that opportunity, that treat, NOT TO DRIVE A BENZ, BUT TO SHOW HIM THAT HIS SON WAS THINKING ABOUT HIM, CONSIDERING HIM, LOVING HIM IN A THOUGHTFUL WAY...
That dissapoints me... of me.
When I did offer, during that conversation he refused. The time has passed he said.
I think about that conversation often.
And, while there is a tinge of disharmony that I feel from wishing I had been more thoughtful... more than anything I am simply mindful...
Mindful of the reality that I only see the world through my eyes.
Mindful that I am so very blessed in ways that I completely fail to acknowledge.
Mindful that I can show my father love in many other ways, and I will do better in the years that I still have with him...
My father never drove a 'BENZ,
And, I could have changed that...
And, I am so very mindful of that...
What "treats" or "gifts" do you control, that you have no idea about? And, who are those around you that longingly want for your love and attention and thoughtfulness?
in harmony,
Nestor