I don't know that "only the good die young."
Though it makes for a great song, by my man Billy Joel.
And, when people die young, we do seem to celebrate their lives differently. There is a component of tragedy that seems so much more pronounced. There is a sadness that is greater due to the surprise or the missed opportunity of more years together.
Last week, a good friend's mom passed away. She was in her late 80s. He is stoic and rational. He doesn't seem overly sad, because I think he understands the rationality of it all. She was losing her mind. She was living in a home. Life as she knew it was limited and no longer full of purpose and joy.
I think a lot about death. Not in the morbid sense, but in the sense that our days are limited and we should live them deliberately.
I think about death everyday and it focuses me.
I think about it rationally, as my friend does. And, then I comeback to today and focus on my purpose.
It has always torn me up a little. Perhaps a little bit of childish envy... I wanted to die young, so that I too could be celebrated for "what if"... "imagine what he could have accomplished"... "he was just hitting his stride"...
I like the thought and the hope that the best was still ahead... and there was more of me to be discovered and delivered.
As we get older, that narrative changes. "He lived a full life"... "He played his full hand"...
It's the difference between the dot com boom and the Dow Jones last week... one is the expectation of greatness, and the other is the execution of reality.
I think about that a lot...
And, it tears me up because I want both... I want people to see the possibilities in my life and in my person. I want to live in a way that I will be missed...
And yet, I want (if at all possible) to play out my hand... to deliver on a life that is big and meaningful.
And I am afraid that I will under-deliver. I am afraid that I will not live up to the expectations that I have set...
And, then I think...
Expectations for whom? Whose expectations will I be under delivering on?
And ultimately, its just my own.
Fear of under delivering is disharmony - because its wishing that I had delivered more already. And, even though I still feel those things - they are deeper in my mind and being. It's like visiting the house you grew up in... it used to be huge and amazing... and now you go back and visit and it's a familiar place that doesn't feel like it would fit you any more.
These days I work on delivering the best that I can everyday - and making that my expectation. That is harmony. Staying in the moment, moving it in the direction of my want, and showingup tomorrow and doing it again. And, finding your happiness and your satisfaction from that simple exercise.
I digress...
My buddy's mom died. And, rationally, I get how he can be very clear about how that is the natural progression.
And, I think every death and every life deserves to close it's chapter with emotion as well. Dying old is a blessing. You lived long enough to see your grandchildren. You lived long enough to be a part of your children's lives...
I can't help but think about my own mother. The day she goes, I will understand and embrace the natural progression. And, I will celebrate her life in my heart and mind. I will relive the stories and the feelings. I will remember the love, the care, the concern, the craziness...
And, it doesn't have to be sad. I don't know that it will be.
I don't think emotion must be sad... sometimes it can just be emotion...
It can be happiness and sadness and love and gratitude and closure all at once.
I am sorry for his loss. As, I know that he is. He is a good, loyal, caring, generous man... He is a loving man...
That is what his mother did... in her real life.
She brought him into the world and in whatever way she knew how - she taught him to be a special man...
We don't typically get to chose when we go... when we die. And, I am ok with that.
We get to choose how we live.
When people die young - we grieve the tragedy of their departure. As, it should be. We feel the loss deeply and its often amplified by the element of surprise.
When people die old - we celebrate the reality of their life. As, it should be. We acknowledge the end of a chapter and it's often amplified by the countless memories they left in our hearts.
We don't typically choose how we die, and even if we did, it would be choosing a single day.
We get to choose how we live - every day...
how we love...
how we fight...
how we celebrate...
how we care...
how we dream...
how we think...
Rest in peace Betty... thank you for sharing your caring and loving son with the world.
I will show up today, mindful and grateful for your life.
I will show up today, more mindful and grateful for my own mother, thanks to you.
I will think of you today, and live and love in peace.
...
I will think of you today... though I barely knew you...
I know enough to know it was a life worth celebrating and admiring...
I know enough to know it was a life well lived.
Rest in peace Betty... and with you on mind today,
I will be mindful of how I live...
and what I choose,
and I will choose wisely,
I will choose harmony,
Nestor