I keep coming back to the definition of "happiness" provided by Shawn Achor...
"The JOY you feel when you are moving toward your full potential"...
I keep coming back to it
to figure out where and why
I struggle with disharmony.
I love the definition.
A friend of mine told me the other day, "I sense this subtle, but constant underlying disharmony in you, in your words."
And, I know what he means...
I feel it.
I am generally happy and feel great harmony, but there is this noise...
like this low buzz of disharmony that I struggle to shake loose.
This morning, in a conversation about something else, I heard myself... and I recognized at least part of my issue.
I SEE MY full potential...
I SEE the "FULL" POTENTIAL of my relationships...
of my company...
of LIFE!
I see the "FULL" potential and it is AWESOME...
It is beyond amazing what each of us can achieve, what we bring, who we are... what we can create.
I see the limitless potential of human beings...
And, it is humbling...
I am grateful for it!
I am grateful for who I am and the POTENTIAL that I have been blessed with...
And... I feel a RESPONSIBILITY to maximize that potential.
... that responsibility weighs on me...
It creates the "buzz" of disharmony in me.
It doesn't feel like stress.
It doesn't feel like anxiety.
In the moments that I feel it, it feels like ANGER...
Like anger against myself for not moving FASTER, or more EFFICIENTLY, or more PRODUCTIVELY, or more EXPONENTIALLY toward my "FULL POTENTIAL".
I believe we all handle the responsibility of reaching our full potential differently.
Some focus on tactical execution - and satisfy themselves by accomplishing a lot of little things.... they drown out the noise of expectations by filling their life with little successes. Little voices cheering!
Some channel the anger or stress externally - and blame the pace of their progress or their lack of progress on other factors or other people. So many people simply choose blame!
Some let it consume them... and they become smaller and smaller through time, reducing their own expectations of their potential so that the gap doesn't feel so big. I can't choose small... It's simply not the truth.
Some channel it and have it be their DRIVING force... and regardless of what they achieve they just keep pushing forward more and more and more. These are the work-a-holics...
Some people do reach a higher mindset, a greater peace... and find acceptance.
And then there is
me...
I internalize those voices and try to "harmonize" them...
I try to steer away from guilt and a sense of "failing", "not moving fast enough", and use the concept of harmony to stay focused on the moment, and on moving myself forward, learning as I go... channeling my energy into momentary action.
I try to drown out the voices that keep at me, that progress is not fast enough, that my actions are not enough....
But, I don't think it's working all that well.
It is working to some level... but it's leaving too many moments of disharmony around.
I don't know the answer yet, but I think I am a little clearer on the problem...
Maybe its arrogant to believe that my full potential is awesome...
Maybe its presumptuous to believe that my full potential belongs to me...
Maybe its ungrateful to be focused on my "potential" and not be thankful for my life as it is today... for my blessings as I live them now...
Would I prefer not to have great potential? Certainly not.
It is wasteful to have the "guilt" over my lack of faster progress consume the energy and steal the joy from the progress that I AM making.
Ironically, wasting time and wasting JOY are my only fears...
I hope that this condition is not hereditary (though I am afraid it might be ;-)...
Maybe the cure is
to write...
To write
to write more and more about harmony until it seeps into my deepest fiber...
I do see so much potential...
So much intelligence, dedication, curiosity, opportunity, love, care, concern...
Perhaps the issue is not accepting that we are already amazing...
Maybe it's not owning that we are already making a difference...
that we are already WORTHY...
Maybe, it's me not owning who I already am... that makes the gap between me and my FULL potential so disappointing, frustrating, angering...
I have the power to affect things in a singificant way...
I want so desperately to become a positive force in the world...
AND
Maybe...
just maybe...
A life of harmony is
a lot LESS about increasing the pace toward reaching my FULL potential,
and it's MUCH MORE about simply and FULLY accepting me... today...
Maybe,
fully accepting me, now, IS the BEST thing that I could do to achieve my full potential... AND the full potential of my relationships, my company, my life...
hmmm...
WOW...
Maybe that is the most meaningful "IS" of harmony...
of JOY...
(dropped the mike ;-)
Nestor