Sometimes, I hear a question and it triggers a response much greater than intentioned...
What do I owe you?
was that question today...
I have lived most of my life in debt, not in fiscal debt, at least not since I cleared up those stupid credit cards from college, but in emotional debt...
I realize I have lived so much of my life trying to square us up...
Where does that come from... that sense of debt...?
Why do I owe anyone anything more than they owe me?
Why do I think of life and effort as a zero / sum game?
Part of what has changed in my life in the past several years, as I believe I achieve greater harmony, is I am no longer living in emotional debt...
I carry no outstanding balance.
I don't know exactly where it came from, or who instilled that in me... or if I came pre-wired with a debt mentality... or if it is all of the above... but I know I felt it.
I have seen many people that live as if THEY are owed... and that is not necessarily a better alternative.
I am fairly certain that I felt "in debt" because I didn't feel like I was worth as much as I should be worth... I lived so very conscious of my every imperfection and "gap" versus the man I always expected I should be...
the debt of
the son I was versus the son I should be...
the father I was versus the father I should be...
the husband I was versus the husband I should be...
the employee I was versus the employee I should be...
you get the idea...
When you don't see yourself as "worthy" as others, you live in debt...
I now see myself as simply worthy - of this moment... of harmony...
I don't consider myself more or less worthy - as the comparison no longer feels relevant or necessary... simply worthy.
Now - I try to show up, not to square up any debt but to share myself, to BE in the moment with others...
I settle up as I go... with myself... because I don't owe anyone anything - and no one owes me anything...
The whole question is irrelevant in a mindset of harmony...
I AM WHAT I AM... and, I strive to improve upon that... because THAT is also part of who I am.
There are better people than me in many aspects and roles, and there are many worse ones...
And, the only relevance of comparison is to learn about different options of being and comparing them against my values and my vision, which enables me to grow... there is no need to judge, nor to feel weakened nor emboldened by the comparison...
It's when I give, not because I owe, but because I want to give...
It's when I am, not because I am supposed to be, but because I want to be...
that I am free and pure and true...
Next time you see yourself struggling, ask yourself...
Am I thinking in terms of owing or being owed?
Because - NEITHER of those beget harmony...
The interest on emotional debt is too high a price for any of us to pay...
or expect to collect.
Settle up with yourself...
trade on harmony ;-)
because
YOU are
who you are,
as I am,
who I am...
flawed
and
imperfect,
precious
and
priceless...
Nestor