I noticed something this weekend, and again on Monday...
I walked into the office and received two different emails from two different colleagues on topics that made me cringe...
I noticed it in myself.
I reacted a bit quickly, and my response was helpful, but with an edge. I was saying reasonable things, but I sounded defensive... or maybe angry...or impatient... or frustrated.
And, I smiled.
DISHARMONY
I realized that like some of the topics that I dealt with at home this weekend, the issues that were being discussed at work where issues that I didn't want to discuss. (I wish I could tell you exactly what they were, but out of respect for people's privacy I will generalize).
There are topics & issues, that are tricky in that...
there is a lot at stake, or
there are a lot of emotions hinging on the different outcomes, or
there is no really good path forward that doesn't cause someone some disappointment...
I am sure you can think of some topics in your life that have these dynamics. It could be as silly as whether a new car is going to fit into a garage, or if you are or aren't going to put a certain individual in charge of an important program. It could be relating to someone's role or employment. It could be simply a matter of where are you are planning on spending your time.
Regardless...
There are issues or topics - that you've come up with a solution for - and you don't really want to revisit. (Or, sometimes topics for which you don't have an answer, but are just trying to avoid...)
WHY?
Usually, it's either, because you don't love the answer you have, and just don't want to think about it further, or
Or because you can't think of any other path forward so opening up the topic puts the single "acceptable" answer at risk.
It may simply be that you can't imagine a workable solution (or a better solution)...
Sometimes, it's because it's not an important topic and you feel like you've already spent adequate time on it - but usually, if it causes meaningful disharmony its one of the first two.
Here it is... I think it's FEAR. It's FEAR of failure. You are either avoiding the topic (which means you don't have to declare failure), or you have a solution of some type (and reopening up the topic may put that solution at risk... which could mean giving up ground, not agreeing on another one... i.e. FAILURE).
SO, when someone wants to reopen the topic, you WISH they wouldn't, and the disharmony shows.
In the various instances that I am thinking about from today, I stepped into the conversations., reluctantly, but constructively. Reluctantly because of what I discuss above, constructively because I really value my colleagues and want to find elegant, respectful, constructive solutions to all of our "IS's ;-) I want to move our business forward everyday - and my relationships with the people in it.
In all three instances, I felt my gut twinge. In one of them, I was disrespectful and cut the person off, then immediately apologized. I was in it...
In all three situations, we rolled up our sleeves and stepped into the details, the "IS". In all 3, I would have probably prefered not to. BUT, IT'S NOT JUST UP TO ME. If I want to find elegant solutions - I must allow room in the conversation for my partners and my colleagues until THEY are satisfied with the conclusion... not just me.
In all three situations, we found solutions that were different than were I started in my own mind. In all three situations, the conclusions better met their needs versus where we had started, and still met mine. And, the only way to find our way there, was to allow the conversation to continue.
I don't know if this makes sense without more details - but I suspect you can relate.
What conversations at home or at work, are you WISHING won't come up again?
What conversations are you avoiding... or simply "postponing"?
When someone approaches you on those conversations - how will you react? And, independently from how you react... how will reopening them up make you feel? Will that affect HOW you show up in those discussions, or how your mind will work? of course...
It's really hard to enter conversations you'd rather not have in harmony... because by defining them as such, you are painting yourself into disharmony from the get go.
The solution, and its not easy, is for me to commit to myself that ANY CONVERSATION that someone I respect desires to have or needs to have is WORTH having. And, living in that mindset.
And, I respect everyone.
So, ANY conversation someone wants to have with me is deserving of my time and attention.
Now, while that can lead to some time management issues, it's the right frame of mind to live and work. And, then you can deal with time management.
The trick, I believe, to living a life of harmony, is to shift from valuing TOPICS, to valuing PEOPLE.
To create harmony - my commitment to people and healthy relationships MUST be more important than my commitment to my opinion (not my values, but my opinions... my conclusions).
Then, when someone approaches me, I stand firm on my values, and open up a conversation working to understand their perspective and needs, and thoughtfully trying to iterate, evolve or modify my desired conclusion to meet both their needs and mine, without compromising my values or theirs.
It's funny. And, it's subtle.
I don't know how many people think like this. And, maybe I am less patient or tolerant in revisiting tricky issues than others.
I just know I can feel the difference in my being... in my response... in my tone... when we touch on topics that I have subconsciously put in that dangerous category of "Not Ones I Want to Have"...
Value people more than my conclusions.
Trust that new, better conclusions are a simple WANT away...
And, keep working to understand the "IS"... not just from your vantage point, but from the vantage point of those you are dealing with...
Then... you can turn moments of disharmony... into productive conversations that build relationships & businesses.
It's most often "THOSE" topics that you WISH you didn't have to open up, that are the most meaningful to the health and success of the world and the people around you. If we can figure out how to open those up... and do right by them... progress them... imagine the possibilities.
Not all of my issues are resolved from today...
But, I am in healthy, constructive, meaningful and productive conversations in all of them...
and,
in harmony,
Nestor