A dear friend told me the other day that I was a good "Non-Christian Christian"...
It made me smile,
and as with so many other things,
it made me think...
She said it was the highest compliment that she could pay me,
and I took it as such.
I was touched.
And, there was a little part of me that for a moment wished I was different,
and I quickly realized that was an old emotion... possibly born of guilt of what my father would think of that compliment... or my mother-in-law for that matter...
but part of the beauty of becoming a "young" old man, is that I am old enough now to be proud of who I am, and how I am seen independent of what my father would think...
I grew up with my father as the self-proclaimed example of a good catholic.
I have, my whole life, observed people and behaviors along my journey to a live with deliberate and greater integrity every step of the way.
My father insisted that I believe in Jesus, that I go to church in order to be a good Catholic. I have watched so many people who carry the flag of Catholicism or Christianity so very high, and yet fail against so many of its core values... fail sometimes knowingly, sometimes ignorantly... I have seen so many people carry the flags of religion as a trump card...
Now I know enough to know that I cannot and should not judge anything based on part of its universe... and I have seen many religions friends who not only carry the flag of their faith high, but also sincerely strive to live to its values... those I respect and hold in the highest regard...
This friend of mine who paid me the compliment is one of the latter...
You see, as a young boy I saw that there are the "rules" of being Christian, and the "spirit" of being Christian... I didn't much care for the rules, but I believed in the vast majority of the values. I love what the bible preaches. I love the teachings of Jesus.
I love and appreciate the values of FAITH... and actually of many religions, as they are ultimately so very similar.
I believe Jesus was an inspired soul touched by the hand of the benevolent force that is at the core of all things... but I do not know that he was a God.
And, I also believe that man in his infinite imperfection has applied a layer of politics and humanity to faith, and called it religion... and in so doing, has applied rules to it that define it.
In that regard, I love the teachings of Martin Luther, whom my father despised because of his opposition to traditional Catholic values... I love the concept that our religion with God or whatever this magical and benevolent force is - is DIRECTLY with MAN... it need not have a middle man.
As an engineer, I believe with every new system, filter, process - you introduce a margin of error, a degree of separation...
I don't want the imperfections of man, and certainly not the imperfections of greedy men, and possibly obsolete greedy men to define the level of my character today - nor to set my standard of right from wrong.
I see and feel the forces of the world on me... I have a deep faith in man and mankind... I see pure beauty in all human beings (and so often hidden under layers or confusion or ignorance)...
The thing is I trust no single individual with my interpretation of life, nor with setting the direction for my own integrity... I believe the forces of the universe, which many like to call God, are best understood by trying hard to understand the collective voice of goodness...
The collective voice of good people, of wise people, of devoted people... is free from greed or power. The smaller the group - the greater it's imperfection. I believe "God" exists in all human beings and communicates via love and concern and acceptance and inclusion...
What IS the truth about who I am? What I believe...
If being a Christian means believing that Jesus is my God, then I would be a hypocrite to say that I am a Christian... because I am just not sure.
If being a Christian means deeply espousing Christian values in my life and working with absolutely all of my might not just to embrace them but to live them, then I am a Christian through and through...
And, I have heard people use both descriptions - and I also know that the former by the rules, is the "dictionary" definition...
So, a Non-Christian Christian is actually a pretty accurate description.
I am touched by my friends words because not only do I believe they are true... but because she appreciates me for who I am, and how I am... she sees me... and that is a special and generous gift.
And, my journey and my discovery of faith is far from over...
in faithful harmony,
Nestor