“Try harder”… we think.
“Why don’t you just…”
“eat less”,
“exercise more”,
“listen better”,
“worry less”,
“care more”,
“talk less”,
“speak up”,
“think bigger”,
“follow up on the detail”
… and the list goes on and on…
With our kids, with our colleagues, with our friends, with our politicians…
And occasionally with ourselves…
Why can’t we just “TRY HARDER” and do that, whatever “that” is that we need to do to get to the next level of whatever it is we are doing…
What if…
What if… the truth is, we are doing the very best we can in every moment?
Now, I am not one that believes our past defines our future, necessarily. Or better said, I am not one that believes that our past MUST define our future. I believe with all that I am that our past is just our past. And, I believe that WITHOUT DELIBERATENESS by ourselves regarding our actions, our behaviors, our values… we will very likely continue to experience what we have always experienced…
But, I think as human beings we tend to fall into two camps on these frustrating points where someone (possibly ourselves) is telling us… TRY HARDER…
Either
1. We just don’t feel like it. We don’t agree. We don’t buy into it. We simply AREN’T willing to try anything different because we are just not in agreement or committed to the change.
OR
2. We are trying… we are trying as best as we can… and you continually telling me to try harder ISN’T HELPING.
Think of the wasted effort we spend as human beings, the anxiety that is spent, the countless hours of worry and frustration of “IF he/she would just…”, “Why doesn’the/she just…”…
I think it may be more than 50% of our interactive lives that we spend frustrated about other people not changing, behaving, being the way we want them or need them to be… With some people I know, it might be 90%...
So, before we go further, think for yourself… how much of your life do you spend WISHING people were acting, behaving, being different? Think about those closest to you… and those you work with… and those you know… and those you read about?
For me, I’d call it 20% of my time, which is about 19% too high. How much of your time do you spend wishing? More importantly, how much of your PEACE is consumed by these thoughts? These frustrations? These anxiety? And, possibly… their underlying fears? (That is topic for a separate truth).
SO, if people are possibly only in two camps… 1. Don’t want to, or 2. Trying their best…
The FIRST thing you need to figure out, is which one they are in. Because until you get them to number 2, your energy should not be in transformation toward, but rather in acceptance of your desired behavior.
I think in most cases that I seem to be familiar with and exposed to, people ARE trying… and if they are not succeeding, they are not trying the right approach or in the right way… or they WANT the change and are TRYING hard, but their “trying energy” isn’t enough to overcome their “incumbent behavior energy”…
And, FORCE is unlikely to change that. Though FORCE occasionally can shake a person out of their behavior… if enough FORCE… maybe it’s taking the phone away, maybe it’s the threat of termination or demotion, maybe its something else. Force does occasionally work, but it can and does leave scars. But, it’s an option, and an option that perhaps I don’t use often enough. I just hate force, because I know how I react to FORCE against me… and I need to realize that the whole world is not like me and may not react in the same way.
But, what about LOVE… LOVE being the opposite of FORCE… Love being empathy, care, concern, respect, appreciation…
I haven’t conducted enough research (or possibly any) to confirm my theory. And, yet, I am convinced LOVE is the most powerful FORCE to change behavior.
WHAT IF instead of pushing, shoving, suggesting harder and harder with less and less patience for people to change their behavior, values, etc…
WHAT IF instead of FORCE instead of anxiousness, instead of frustration…
WE SHIFTED… FULLY into LOVE…
What if we made the same “demands” of each other, but without a hint of disappointment and wishing… which I am concerned often confirms for people in some way that we know “they cant or wont change”…
What if, we demanded the change we desire in them, or believe to be best for them… with empathy… with certainty that they can and will achieve it… with appreciation for the effort and energy that they are displacing…
With acknowledgement that change of behaviors, habits, values isn’t easy… it’s possibly the hardest thing we do… and sometimes it happens quickly, sometimes it takes forever…
There are changes that have taken me 30 or 40 years to embrace, adopt, improve…
In golf, “Letting the club lead” is a concept that has taken me decades to understand, and I still can’t do it exactly right…
In eating, “staying away from sugar” is a concept that I do better at than ever before, and yet the dark chocolate still calls my name and gets my attention.
In leading, “Letting others speak and lead their own solutions” is something that I fully embrace, and yet something about the way I am keeps me jumping in at times “to help” before I am supposed to.
In working, “I am thinking bigger than before, but still at times get lost in the little stuff.”
In parenting, I have no idea… I am still at a loss… I have tried to treat my boys with respect and given them the space to grow… and jury still out on how we did ;-)
I am trying really hard… I am trying as hard as I can in all aspects of my life…
And, I KNOW that I can do better. I know that I can BE better…
And, someone yelling at me or wishing that I was already better, just WON’T help… especially if IT’S ME that is doing the WISHING… ;-)
What if, we replaced frustration and anxiety and disappointment at faster progress…
With empathy, with appreciation with love… with the understanding of how very hard changing our nature can be…
Would we help each other change any faster? Any better?
Any more effectively?
CHANGE WISHING to WANTING...
CHANGE ANXIOUSNESS to EMPATHY...
CHANGE FRUSTRATION to APPRECIATION...
CHANGE DOUBT to FAITH...
CHANGE FORCE to LOVE...
And then smile and don't try harder...
just try a different approach...
and then keep trying.
In harmony,
Nestor