You know when you go into a dark building after being out in glorious sunlight?
You know how everything seems darker?
Your eyes need to adjust to a new environment, with a lot less light...
This week during our "Work-Life" committee meeting, I would feel emotion bubbling over in my being... and it would reach a point where it would want to overflow... with tears rolling from my eyes.
Tears are just small leaks seeping through the crack of our eyes, as a rush of waves of emotion break on the walls of my heart...
Then again during our Executive meeting, I would think about a month ago, when Ivolee came in to our room and "forced us" to go downstairs... and again, tears would seep as waves would crash.
At the end of our Executive meeting, I told our team... "It was just a month ago, that Ivolee led us downstairs to give us all our collective WOW, with the rest of our team and company watching. It's ironic that after 11 years of working together, less than two weeks after she said "THANK YOU" she died in her sleep."...
I have been thinking about Ivolee so very often since she passed 3 weeks ago. For some reason, I haven't this moved by someone passing in a very, very long time.
I don't know if it's because as I get older, I have a greater appreciation for life... all life.
Or, what I think is more pertinent, is that I see the beautiful, amazing being that Ivolee was... and I feel the loss of her being... I feel the hole that she has left behind... I miss that I will never feel her energy again... And, I am sorry and I am sad... for her family, her daughters, her grandchildren, and for all of us at EMG.
It is very much as if I have walked in from a bright day into a dark space, and my eyes and heart are still adjusting to a life without Ivolee in it.
I feel silly saying it... We were colleagues... We were friends. I never saw her outside of the office, if it was not at a company function... but truthfully, I loved her. I loved who she was as a person, as a human being, as a woman.
I deeply appreciated how deeply she cared about absolutely EVERYONE. Every interaction we ever had was in some way about how she could help someone else accomplish something better, or protect one of her colleagues or her family from something they were having to face...
I always felt her gratitude. She lived gratefully... in full acceptance of her life. Making fun of herself along the way, but never wishing it was different... always just working and wanting to make it better.
The more stressful moments became at work, the more peaceful she seemed to be... the calmer the tone of her voice... the more clear her resolve to solve whatever problem was in front of us.
Ivolee and I were just two people that met in a company - and fought as best as we could in our own ways and in our own roles to move the company forward. I felt her loyalty, her support, her appreciation, her presence in who we were and why we were... and it's just a darker world without her...
And, my eyes are still adjusting.
Writing this note tears seep uncontrollably as the waves crash... and I smile.
I could have done more for her. I know I could have. I could have spent more time helping her get healthier...
And, who knows... She was working herself on being healthier, and we have no idea what exactly caused her early passing... It may or may not have had anything to do with anything we could control.
From talking to her friends, she loved our company and she loved all of us in it. Sincerely... She felt our support, and our presence. And, that is likely why she connected with so many of us... She saw us, so we were able to see her... and love flowed :-)
I want to remain present in her life. I want to help her family navigate her loss in whatever way I can.
People all the time. I get that. Death is a part of life. I surely get that. And, so is sadness.
I mentioned at her "Life Celebration" last week that Ivolee was the only person I have ever met, who could spell "I LOVE" with the letters in her name. Many of her closest friends, told me they appreciated that observation - They had never realized it.
I don't know exactly what it was about Ms. Ivolee... Ms. Henson... but we all felt it... we all felt her presence and enjoyed to bask in the glorious light she brought to life.
As time goes by, I am not sure that the waves will cease to break on the walls of my heart... but I suspect the tears will slow... as time always seems to make happen...
Hopefully not because we forget her light and her love, but because we embrace it... and possibly reflect it better on those we love. And, perhaps because it makes us look for more light, more energy from the many wonderful, giving, loving people that fill our room... that we don't always see...
My eyes and my heart are still adjusting... and I am grateful for the sadness... because it means to me that I saw her... I felt her energy in my world... and I benefited from it. And, I am alive, and I will continue to learn from her life, her example, and her memory.
IVOLEE...
I LOVE...
and will miss your light...
in the most sincere harmony,
Nestor