How are you doing?

people ask me that a lot these days...

in such a thoughtful and caring way. 

"How are you doing?" 

I can feel their love, their care, their concern... It's heartfelt and genuine. 

I truly am humbled by their concern... 

My mom always liked to answer, "fine thanks... or do you really want to know..."

Miss her... 

I am

GOOD... 

I really am. 

And, I am sad in moments. 

Most people who ask me that have already lost a parent, or a brother or a sister, or sometimes even a child. 

I must admit, part of my quick answer is this voice in my head that says... 

HOW ARE YOU!!! 

You lost someone dear to you, I know, and was I there for you... have I been present enough in your sadness to be worthy of your care and concern? 

I know it's warped... 

It's how my mind works... 

All of the lucky ones live through their parents deaths... by that I mean that I prayed to outlive my parents...

and im not the praying kind. 

The thought of my father burying his third and final child was a sadness he would not survive. 

I am

GOOD! 

I wanted him not to experience the loss of his independence... the inability to go to the bank, to the store, to the movies...  He would have survived that, but not happily.  It wasn't a life he wanted to live.

So, I am thankful that he went on his own terms. 

I am GOOD... 

and I feel a little guilty that I have not been more empathetic to these similar moments in others' lives... 

and I am a little sad. 

Sad getting used to a world without my father in it... 

Sad that this is as far as it goes with him... sad not to have the opportunity to be better, more patient, more present with him... 

I realize that I feed off of the opportunity to grow, to learn, to do better... 

And, I am sad that my ability to be better with him is passed. 

But, I can learn from this... and from him still.  I can be better with all of you!  I can be more present, more empathetic, more caring with my mother, my aunts, my wife, my cousins, my sons, my friends, my colleagues... 

I can still be better!!! Just not with him... but still because of him. 

I am GOOD! 

I am grateful! 

Sometimes sadness doesn't carry a lot of pain... 

It's more of a feeling of transition, toward a new reality... a new definition of happiness and gratitude. 

I am good... 

and

humbled

by your question... 

and

more importantly, 

how are YOU? 

in harmony, 

Nestor