The biggest issue with communication, with leadership, and often with connection
is disagreement.
Not the kind of disagreement that happens after there has been a thoughtful discussion about something, a rich conversation where both sides have heard each other’s points of view.
The kind of disagreement that happens the moment you year an idea.
Someone mentions something…
Let’s go to ___________.
Let’s reduce costs on _____________.
Let’s pursue ______________.
Let’s give Betty ___________.
Whatever it may be… the MOMENT you heard the idea you thought to yourself,
WHY WOULD WE EVER DO THAT?
WE TRIED THAT LAST TIME & IT FAILED?
THAT’S STUPID!
THAT’LL NEVER WORK.
I DON’T AGREE.
NO!
The moment we hear an idea or a suggestion, we so very often immediately decide whether we agree or not,
and if we disagree,
EVEN THOUGH WE USUALLY DON’T VERBALIZE IT at that point…
We’ve taken a POSITION.
We put a stake in the ground.
We have defined our NORTH and our SOUTH.
We have DECIDED what we already think!
This is human nature. AND, it’s devastating to business, to communication, to healthy relationships and to good decision making.
A few months ago, we introduced the concept of “predisposed opinions” to our executive teams. The conclusion was that too many of us had “predetermined ideas” before we engaged in discussions and that was hindering debate, alignment, decision making and most importantly the willingness to all stand by a decision once it was made.
I struggled for a while what the difference was between “predisposed opinions” and simply “opinions”. We all have points of view that we have already embedded in our minds.
The difference, I think is not having “opinions” but MAKING decisions BEFORE having CONVERSATIONS.
If people I respect suggest an idea, I must give room for conversation, for exchange before agreeing or disagreeing. Otherwise, it’s not a conversation or an exploration, but a ping-pong game of two conclusions trying to see who is going to be able to slam the point home. Unlike Ping Pong - nobody usually wins the point, and we both go home holding our own paddle.
Be mindful of DISAGREEMENT that is unspoken and immediate and become more conscious of how that affects exchanges, communication and leadership.
DISAGREEMENT before communication is DISRESPECTFUL.
Or, at best, INEFFICIENT and COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.
Even if in the end we don’t agree, a thoughtful exchange MAY
help us understand the context of the situation which we did not before,
or may spark a different idea that may be more agreeable to both parties,
or simply may give us the credibility we need to convey our countering point of view.
It is perhaps one of the most DIFFICULT aspects of communication… and one of the MOST IMPORTANT…
Don’t DISAGREE
before you’ve even had the conversation.
It KILLS communication and ultimately erodes trust and collaboration…
And, more than anything it meaningfully limits understanding,
making it impossible to reach a shared “IS”…
Keep an OPEN mind…
Practice HUMILITY…
And maybe, just maybe, consider that you could be wrong,
Or that a better conclusion than yours is possible…
in this situation…
in harmony,
Nestor