It’s not that I feel old…
I just remember when having a job,
having kids
seemed like a distant dream…
Heck - I remember believing in Santa Claus.
I remember the fear that no woman would ever love me enough to marry me…
and my mother assuring me otherwise.
I remember looking so very forward
to having my own wife, my own family…
To wanting to be my own man…
To someday owning my own home…
I remember dreaming about being in business,
about running a company…
I am not sure I ever actually invisioned
being a father…
But, I remember the day my oldest was born.
I remember not knowing how I would take to the ‘father’ thing…
I remember the amazing wonder and excitement of not knowing where I would live,
and the thrill of moving to Cincinnati on my own…
and Baltimore where we bought our first home.
Or, the thrill of moving to China… it felt a world away…
or living in Austin…
I remember dreaming…
too often about things,
but so often about life…
I remember feeling awkward the first time we had an event at nursery school…
I remember feeling so grown up…
and now two of my son’s have graduated high school.
I remember my boys eyes… looking so dependent and demanding…
So lost and found…
I remember being larger than life in their eyes…
and feeling larger than life in my heart.
I remember thinking that someday my father would die
and working to find the patience to see him,
to love him…
I remember that day seeming so far away…
I remember thinking that he never would,
and I remember the night he did.
I don’t remember ever thinking my mother
would not recognize her beloved grandsons…
I remember the day she didn’t…
I remember dreaming about ‘making it” someday…
And, now not knowing exactly what ‘making it’ means…
It’s not that I am old,
I just remember
looking forward to so many things,
to so many events
that are now memories…
It’s not that I am old…
It’s that I am watching
as my life continues to unfold and play itself out
and it is amazing,
and sometimes so very sad,
and often so very wonderful…
It’s not that I am old,
it’s that I sometimes get confused and sometimes out of balance…
between the past,
the present,
and the future…
I want to keep leaning forward onto my skis,
I want to keep dreaming the dreams that keep me young…
It’s not that I’m old…
it’s that my dreams are no longer just ahead of me creating passion and wonder,
but are also behind me and all around me…
It’s not that I am old,
it’s just that I remember when people my age seemed old…
when I looked up more than around,
when I looked forward more than backward…
It’s not that I am old…
I still look up…
I still look forward…
I am just trying to get my footing, find my groove…
I am living…
my dreams,
my sadness,
my joy,
my life…
It’s not that I’m old…
It’s that sometimes remembering
makes me sad and happy…
I am beyond grateful to be here,
I got the muscles that worked…
Let me try to fall asleep,
Christmas is coming…
I remember so many beautiful Christmases,
Let me try to fall asleep,
It’s time…
to dream
again…
in harmony,
Nestor