It wasn't that long ago that I would awake,
startled,
finding one of my boys in my bed.
Sometimes, they would stand next to my bed waiting for me to notice them.
I always welcomed them and wrapped my arms around them.
I would tell them that I loved them and tried to find out the source of their fear.
My second son graduated yesterday...
While he hasn't come to my bed in years... the thought of it made me melancholy...
I miss having the super power of being able to make the fears and the evil of the world disappear with a prolonged hug.
I hope our conversations, if not our home, will take the place of my bed as my sons continue their journey into manhood and adulthood.
I can't make the evils of the world disappear anymore... I never could.
But, I want to do all that I can to have them still reach out
when the world feels a little too big and overwhelming...
when life doesn't feel like it's moving well enough in the right direction...
when they doubt themselves or their journey...
It's so much easier being a father... when you still have your super-power of being bigger than life itself...
It is not lost on me that my sons are now taller than I am (though I constantly correct them, "not bigger, just taller").
The world is not a scary place... but it is big.
Our ability to influence and direct our lives is so very amazing... though not always obvious.
Their life is not mine to live nor direct... though they are mine to love.
I miss the days of finding my boys in my bed. And, the hardest part was waking them up once they had fallen asleep... to tell them,
"It's time to go back to your bed."
They were always welcome.
They will always be loved.
And, I knew that it was so very important for them to know that... and to also know that their own bed was a fine and safe place all along...
My goal was never to replace their courage, their confidence, their independence,
but to embolden them...
to strengthen them...
to help them see that they could defeat the "monster" on their own...
that there was no "monster"...
that I had no super-power...
I love that my bed, my arms, my voice could give them peace of mind and of heart.
I sometimes wish life could remain that simple, but I don't linger in wishing,
Every day my sons take one step forward along their journeys... one step farther from those nights gone by.
To be honest,
my only super power with them
has always simply been my love for them...
I haven't lost that one...
In fact my love them for them has made me stronger,
it has made me bolder,
it has made me a better man...
it has kept me focused,
and it has always been a great clarifier in life,
by helping me make decisions based on becoming the man I aspired to be in their eyes...
In fact...
My "super power"...
The "Power of Pa" was always really simply
the "LOVE of Pa"...
and it has served me,
possibly even more than it may have served them...
and that one...
that LOVE
is
stronger
than
EVER!
in harmony,
Nestor