I haven’t forgotten about you…
I know I owe you some perspective on the “language of struggle”,
And the truth is, I’m struggling with it.
Not because I don’t know how to do it – but more because I’ve never actually put it into a clear structure or simply words…
I bounce around between intelligent tactical suggestions such as:
- Always use a person’s name on an email…
- Don’t make the first response after receiving something an additional demand or question without acknowledging the received content…
- Ask don’t Demand
- Make It Personal… If you know something meaningful / difficult is going on in someone’s life, include that briefly but thoughtfully in the dialogue / message…
And, more comprehensive and higher level suggestions such as:
- Put the other person first…
- Seek to understand … ask questions…
I think about whether the “language of struggle” that I want to share is specific to parenting, marriage, work or just in general… because the details of how each is different is relevant.
I think about whether there is any language other than the “language of struggle”…
It’s a big conversation to take on…
And, I will attempt to do it piece by piece.
If we assume that human beings are always in some level of “struggle”,
And we assume that human beings are always a part of our conversations,
Then I would conclude that in EVERY conversation an awareness of ‘struggle’ is relevant…
And, more specifically, being thoughtful about the discussion (what you are discussing, how you are discussing it) is fundamental and relevant ALWAYS…
Maybe that’s the FIRST conclusion we can draw…
Being mindful of people’s individual struggle should always be present when we are in conversation.
And, each person is different.
Just like there is the book, “The 5 Love Languages” (Great book – definitely buy it and read it) (NOTE: I just found out there is another book called “The 5 Apologies” or something like that by the same author that is also supposed to be fantastic).
People vary in the level of their insecurity. And, the greater their insecurity the more mindful you have to be in the conversation. I would define “insecurity” as one’s own personal level of “am I enough” or “am I worthy”…
While everyone is truly unique, and understanding how they are unique is important in our communication style… to keep it simple, I will break insecurity down into 5 buckets…
As with all that I discuss – we exist in the “moment” and we are also have behaviors and values that define us for “periods” (periods are a bunch of moments from days to years to decades)…
We can, as human beings, demonstrate different levels of insecurity in each moment… depending on situation, whom we are communicating with, how much stress / distraction we have in our minds, how we are feeling physically, how the business is going, the last time we felt connection… etc., etc… It’s complicated – and I can put myself and everyone I know into one of these categories if I am forced to… and feel fairly ok with it.
BUT – REMEMBER – EVEN IF WE ARE IN ONE CATEGORY… we may show up very differently at any given moment…
1. DYSFUNCTIONALLY INSECURE… I would call this EMOTIONALLY LED insecurity… This is someone who thinks very little of themselves. Very often this is someone that has been told often, typically growing up and often continued by a spouse or by colleagues that they are not enough, not smart… etc. They tend to have a very negative inner voice. Their inner voice tells them, “You don’t belong here” and they believe it and try to hide that truth from the world. And, their sense (lack) of self-worth affects most of what they do… They very often act in ways to “fill their heart” or “escape from the situation”. The dysfunctionality shows up as an unwillingness to take accountability for their work. They blame other people. They deflect truth. They hate specifics. They get very defensive sometimes, or they immediately retreat into sadness and tears (fight or flight). They take NO blame or they take ALL blame. They are focused on blame. They read more into everything than is intended. They already know what everybody thinks – and nobody things highly of them. Very occasionally, these people are amazing employees as they channel every ounce of their energy to surviving by adding value… they work relentlessly and often make amazing contributions… but they are always a single thought or word from feeling horribly…
2. FUNCTIONALLY INSECURE… I would call this RATIONALLY LED insecurity… This is someone who thinks of themselves as “not as good” as others in many or most or all aspects. Their inner voice tells them “You are not as good as others”, but they only partially listen. And, their inner voice tells them “and, I can improve”. But, unlike the “dysfunctional insecurity” they navigate their way through the internal conversation to “no one is perfect” and “I can improve myself”… This person can work with everyone, but enjoys working with people who are gracious and considerate so very much more. And, if you bring someone who is enough of a bully – it will rattle this person and occasionally make them dysfunctional. These people take accountability for their mistakes, but take their mistakes very personally. They take more than their fair share of responsibility as part of their overcompensation for their insecurity. These people typically don’t hold others particularly accountable – or to do so requires a lot of energy. These folks ask a lot of questions, which is good, but sometimes fail to provide their own personal opinion. You have to ask these folks for their thoughts … you have to encourage them to engage in a dialogue with multiple people. These folks tend to be easy to work with – they are willing to take feedback though it often affects them more than they let on…
3. AVERAGE – you get the idea… it’s really a blend of functional… normal… Most of the time they are probably showing up as functionally secure or insecure – they just bounce more between the two then the others. They are rational – good to work with and for… but they don’t often change the world in big ways because they are always hedging their risks and not bold enough to go far out on a ledge to prove a point or concept…
4. FUNCTIONALLY SECURE… Again, secure is funny because it’s doesn’t mean free from struggle… These folks are confident, but they manage and navigate their confidence with rationality. They know they are not perfect… far from it. But they feel comfortable “in their own skin”, with their “place in the universe”. Their inner voice tells them “you are worthy but you are not perfect” and “you can be better”. These folks have often had hardships but have developed a “healthy” relationship with their history. They don’t take their successes or failures particularly personally. They ask some questions, but have a pretty good sense of what they want to do. When they know what they want, they seldom ask questions. They want to be efficient. They don’t want to waste time. They take accountability for their actions and have no problem holding others accountable for theirs. They tend to speak more than their share in a group, and are often entertaining and outgoing. These folks are not as easy to work with as the average or functionally insecure… but they are good to work for as they are ready to give advice and show you the way…
5. DYSFUNCTIONALLY SECURE… Secure is a funny word because we said at the onset of this conversation that everyone struggles… so “secure” people struggle. They just pretend really hard that they don’t. To me, our current president is a good example of confidence to the point of dysfunctionality. This is someone whose inner voice is so strong and has so overcompensated to feel no insecurity that they know everything… No one is smarter than they are… Their inner voice says, “The world is lucky to have you”… and anyone who suggests otherwise is their enemy and must be “destroyed” literally or figuratively. While they may not believe that deep down inside, and they will rationally tell you that they don’t… they lead their confidence with emotion not reason. They don’t ask questions. They have a ridiculously strong confirmation bias… They find the facts that support their positions, and discount / disregard others. They have no empathy. They take no responsibility or accountability for anything that goes less than perfect. They tend to take all of the credit when things go well. They are very defensive if challenged, like to have all the power, and are often bullying in their approach. While it doesn’t matter what you say, because they aren’t listening that much, they love praise… they still love confirmation or affirmation that they are worthy… These folks are very much “you are with me or against me”…
Wow – I’m exhausted 😉 It is interesting… I could write on this forever… The dynamics between communication between different people with different security levels is something interesting to explore…
I was thinking where am I on this spectrum? And, where would others put me?
I would put myself as somewhere between Functionally Insecure and Average, but I know many people would put me at functionally secure… And, I certainly have many moments in that space.
Digest this for a while…
The “language of struggle” to me is simply “effective communication”… I believe we all struggle. And, I believe effective communication requires connection, and connection truly requires us to put others first, without losing ourselves in the process. And, putting others first – being thoughtful to others, requires understanding others and where they are… “You need to meet people where they are…”
I observe exchanges ALL the time… and I am fascinated by them… because they are so mundane and yet SO critical and pivotal in all that we do.
The biggest mistakes I see people make are:
- Trying too hard to be understood… to share their point… and failing to allow the other person to be seen, heard or be given the opportunity to share their point. Until someone knows you see them, you respect them, they really don’t care what your point is…
- Failing to appreciate and understand what type of person you are communicating / connecting with – and failing to adopt a style that they are able to hear. If you talk to everyone the same, you will only be effective with those who respond to your style. You are missing out on communicating with so many people. The burden of connection is on them.
- They don’t take responsibility for the dialogue… “If they don’t get it, it’s on them… I said what I had to say”… “I don’t want to try that hard.” They are lazy or unaware / ignorant as to what makes effective communication.
To communicate and connect successfully with others – I put the burden of connection on ME… I need to understand who they are, how they are, what they fear, what they seek… because then I can speak to them in a way that fills their heart, their mind or their soul in a way that they want to be filled…
I am not suggesting I do this well… I am suggesting that I am more curious and thoughtful about these things and I try to consider them in every conversation… and “I am so very far from perfect” that I often fail, and my ego takes over…
Ah, the “ego”… we’ll have to explore how that plays into all of these levels of insecurity…
More to come…
A language of struggle is a language with empathy… a language with rationality… it’s putting others first in every detail of the conversation enough to create a connection to let the ideas flow free, fruitfully and joyfully…
I realize “I can improve”…
In harmony,
Nestor