Regardless that the Beatles tried to convince you otherwise and regardless of what you may read or hear in songs and poems and books and quotes…
LOVE is NOT enough!
How many husbands and wives do you know whose marriages have failed who professed that they still loved each other?
The vast majority of parents LOVE their children – and yet, how many children struggle for years or decades or lifetimes trying to undo the burden levied on them by their parents behavior.
LOVE is powerful
LOVE is connected
LOVE is beautiful
LOVE is critical
But, LOVE is NOT enough!
My father loved me, and loves me still, yet it has taken me decades to make sense and recover from the guilt he chose to instill in me.
A friend at work, is an amazing woman, an intelligent woman, and the way her parents loved her left her insecure and deeply uncomfortable with conflict.
IF we allow ourselves to believe that LOVE is ENOUGH – we fail to achieve HARMONY – and we give ourselves an artificial trump card.
IF we can embrace the absolute truth that LOVE is not enough – then we are forced to explore the question, What is enough? And, then HARMONY is possible.
To know that you are loved is a gift. Why is it not enough.
Let me ask you this question…
Would you prefer to know that you are loved, or to know that you are enough?
Would you prefer to know that you are loved, or to know that you are appreciated?
Would you prefer to know that you are loved, or to know that you are respected?
Would you rather know that you are loved, or to know that you are capable of achieving what you set your mind to?
If we allow ourselves to be satisfied that “LOVE is enough”… we don’t try any harder than that.
In the book, The 5 Love Languages, the author Gary Chapman introduces the idea that we have to speak in the other person’s “love language”. That gets closer to the mark. To love you, is not enough. To love you how you need to be loved – that starts to get to it. (Great book by the way – worth a read).
It is not about me loving you.
The defition of love varies depending on your source This –
…to feel deep affection for someone else. (NOT ENOUGH)
… to be the object of admiration or devotion of someone else. (NOT ENOUGH)
… unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another (OOOHHH – I like this one!) This is the FOURTH definition deep on Miriam Webster…
So, maybe LOVE can be enough if we choose the right definition of love – but how many of us actually use this one… the UNSELFISH LOYAL AND BENEVOLENT CONCERN FOR THE GOOD OF ANOTHER…
So, often we define love on our terms, or the terms that we believe that the other person should want to receive.
How many husbands do this? How many wives? How many fathers? How many mothers?
Don't believe every song you hear...
LOVE is NOT enough…
LOVE alone can result in heartbreak, emptiness, divorce…
If you really love someone, and you want your love to last, to endure time, to evolve as they grow, you must constantly ask yourself the question – how do I prove to you my unselfish concern for what you need from me.
The question to embrace the truth is not “How do I love you best?” That is too general, too vague, too confusing and too likely to get lost in the “noise” of the connotations…
BETTER QUESTIONS IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE and want it to last are…
How do I fill you with greater confidence in who you are?
How do I help you understand that you are worthy of my concern?
How do I assist you in understanding your dreams, and help you bring them to life?
How do I make you certain that you are enough, exactly as you are? And, still capable of more, as you choose to be?
“LOVING” someone is easy – and it’s a starting point. But love alone falls far short of being enough.
To have the possibility of being enough….
LOVE must be empathetic.
LOVE must be generous.
LOVE must be understanding.
LOVE must be gracious.
LOVE must be constant.
LOVE must be specific.
LOVE must be considerate.
LOVE must be supportive.
LOVE must be candid.
LOVE must be honest.
This kind of LOVE… the kind that is enough… is not easy.
And, its not easy because it requires us to LOVE not as we want to love, but as the object of our affection deserves to be loved. It is hard, because it requires us to understand the difference.
I don’t mean to make this an exercise in word manipulation.
LOVE alone is NOT enough.
Don’t confuse LOVE with understanding.
Don’t confuse LOVE with empathy.
LOVE with HARMONY…
Love that first embraces the absolute truth of the other, and embraces it.
Love that is grateful…
Love that is specific in the moment and that supports the object of our affection in the direction of their want – in the direction of their dream…
That kind of LOVE is enough…
That kind of LOVE is the kind we dream of and most deeply desire (Whether we realize it or not)
That kind of LOVE is HARMONY!
Nestor
