This past weekend, I had the special opportunity of taking my son to Miami.
I wanted to get him something that he would remember for his birthday. I thought a couple of day get away, and a special world record setting run would be memorable.
As is often the case with my gift giving, I had a good idea, and I executed it partially.
As I was living through my special two day jaunt with my son, I was aware of my thoughts. I smiled as I thought about how far I have come with Harmony… and how far I have left to go. I thought, if people could hear my thoughts, they would know how far from easy harmony can be.
I don’t know if we all have the same types of thoughts.
So, the whole week before we left, I kept thinking, “I should do some planning ahead of time and find a great place to stay. I should look for some activities.”
As is often the case with me, it was the night before the trip, and nothing had been arranged. I was too busy with the rest of my life to plan out ahead.
It is never from a lack of intention. It is, I believe, a very full agenda from before sunrise to long after sundown. Others would argue its just my inability to plan ahead ;-)
I did know, with complete certainty, that I was looking so very forward to the trip. I wanted to be away with my son, unplugged from the daily race.
We left early the following day. I slept about 3 hours the night before as I was trying to jam in late night work. We were off.
I called for a car reservation last minute (night before) and the cars were sold out. Thankfully, I usually just show up and give them my card and they give me a car. And, once again, it worked. “Planning is a waste of time” ;-)
But, when I got to the rental car aisle, I “wished” I had thought ahead and ordered a convertible. How cool it could have been to take my son around in a convertible on South Beach… Oh well. We were able to rent a Dodge Charger which was a muscle car. A little different. Not a convertible, but it would have to do.
Wishing robs me of feeling the full gratitude of the moment. I was thrilled to be in Florida – and the car we rented was ok.
We drove to the hotel, and the car I rented didn’t have satellite. Kinda wished it had…
We arrived at the hotel to learn that I had gotten a hotel that was on the Miami side of the street, not on the beach side. It was like a kick in the nuts.
We had about 30 hours total and I wanted full access to the beach. The hotel room wasn’t ready. We made the best of it. We put on our bathing suit and walked up to the pool on the rooftop. It was a beautiful pool. There was no poolside service…. WISHING…
We had a nice time chatting in the hot tub. I was silently wishing I had paid more attention to the reservation before I made it.
We walked to the beach and had a nice lunch at a beautiful beach side restaurant. I “wish” I would have gotten this hotel. “It probably wasn’t more expensive.”
We were fortunate that our room was ready upon our return, and when we walked into the room, we realized I had rented an apartment. “Wow that seems like wasted space”.
We took, what was one of the most enjoyable naps I have ever taken. We were both deadly tired and being horizontal felt heavenly.
We got up and went for a run with the world record breaking Raven. (I will explain his story on the next blog).
We ran with the Raven and had an amazing time – though halfway through the run, we were wishing that it was over. Running 8 miles on the beach is tough, and running it at 14 minute miles made it seem ever longer.
We found out my mentee and dear friend was in South Beach and we were able to arrange a nice late dinner with my son, my mentee and his girlfriend. I picked a Cuban restaurant that nobody seemed to really enjoy. I ate too much, since the food wasn’t going so well.
I wished that I had chosen a different restaurant.
I wished that I had eaten less.
On the walk home we stopped at a beautiful hotel and had a night cap. I had the night cap, and by the time we got home – we were again thrilled to get horizontal and rest.
We woke up late and had a wonderful breakfast. I wished that the breakfast had been outdoors, though the food was exceptional. We had some great conversation.
We checked out of the hotel and went to the beach.
We met up with my mentee again, and spent a few hours on the beach. The weather was perfect. I wondered whether I would have preferred to leave earlier or later. I wondered whether paying for the umbrella and chairs was necessary.
I wanted to have these two days be unforgettable for my son, and was unsure I had achieved that.
We talked at length and enjoyed the water.
We were able to rent jet skis. It was the first time my mentee had ever been on one, and the first time my son had driven one. I yelled a lot at my son when we first got on. He was very timid on the jet ski initially and I thought it was making it harder to control. I yelled so much the first 5 minutes… and I wished I hadn’t.
I felt guilty that we were enjoying ourselves on the beach. I kind of wished I would have brought the whole family.
I wished that I had eaten less for the last couple of months so that I would have felt better in my bathing suit.
I wished so very often, about such very inconsequential details.
I apologized to my son at times for the hotel selection… and he lovingly said, “It really is a great place.” We did have a ton of room, un unbelievably comfortable bed, and a living room, dining room, including a second bathroom!
I was in the moment for so much of it.
I enjoyed spending time with my son. He doesn’t talk all the time, but he is a teenager after all. It was the first time we had spent two days just the two of us (or the first time that I could remember).
Despite the occasional silence, we spent most of the time away from our gadgets. We had some great conversation. The run with the Raven was special.
I was keenly aware of how many moments I had lost in the 30 hour visit. I was aware of how many moments I had felt insufficient or unintelligent or guilty or lazy about my decisions.
Rationally, I laughed inside. Really?
Here I am, taking my son to South Beach for a special two day trip, and I feel insufficient?
That’s insane…
How many dads are able to enjoy a trip like this?
How many sons would want to go with their dads?
I am blessed to be able to afford it.
I am fortunate that my wife is open to my crazy ideas, and gracious enough to let me live them out.
I was incredibly lucky to have my mentee, whom I admire, spend time with us on his vacation, and have my son spend more time listening to his very different take on life.
I was so thrilled to see my son and my mentee enjoy their first ride on a jet ski on the gorgeous ocean. (Despite that I wished I hadn’t yelled so much.)
I was happy to have gotten away.
I was aware and grateful that the trip had worked out overall, that the weather had been perfect, that the flights had been on time, that the hotel room had been available early enough for us to take a nap, that there was no poolside service so that I wasn’t tempted before our run, that my son and I had, what I suspect is a trip that we will always remember and cherish.
So very much to be grateful for – and yet, in my mind, so many moments wasted on wishing.
On various occasions, I wanted my brain to stop talking to me. I hate that it wont stop.
Harmony is not about straddling the line between wishing and wanting in every moment.
Harmony is about ANCHORING your soul on the side of gratitude.
Why is it still so hard for me to do that?
Why can I not just embrace my fortune, my blessings… and simply be grateful without being so aware of all of the areas where I would have wanted for an even better outcome?
That is so VERY ungrateful.
I had an amazing weekend.
I treasure the relationship with my son.
I am so inspired by the Raven and his story.
I was so happy to recharge my batteries.
I will never forget this trip… and I will remember to book my hotels earlier ;-)
I am insatiable. I am so very hard to please, regardless of how easy going I try to pretend to be.
I am still such an infant in this whole concept of harmony.
I am so very aware of my mindset… so very committed to anchoring in my absolute truth… and so very confused at times about embracing the gratitude without the comparison to different alternatives.
I need to redefine what I mean by the absolute truth.
Perhaps it is about being able to see the truth without blaming myself for not having made the absolute best possible decision on every aspect of my life.
I have so much to learn…
I had such a great weekend…
I am starting to understand not only my blind spot, but the insatiable criticality of my own perspective.
I never compare myself to others – unless they are better, faster, stronger. I only compare myself where I see a deficit. Because, somewhere in my “truth” I have convinced myself that is the path to growth.
I compare myself to the greatest and most perfect version of myself that I can be. And, I never measure up. Emotionally, I don’t stay there any more. Rationally, I take myself back to the now. And, I try to anchor again on gratitude.
Wishing is for the birds!
I had such a great weekend…
I told my son, that he was one of the three greatest gifts of my life.
I wanted to give unforgettable gift in return.
He knows I love him, and he knew that before I picked the wrong hotel ;-)
STOP!
I am fairly certain that I am insane... and somehow I feel very ok with that.
It SO helps when I take a deep breath...
TRY IT!
REALLY... Just take a really deep breath...
I always come out of it with a smile...
It was an amazing and unforgettable weekend.
The picture of me, my son and the Raven will remind me of so many wonderful things about the weekend. As will the picture of my son, my friend/mentee and I standing in our vests and our "power" poses, ready to take a ride on the jet skis. Those will be the visuals.
And, in my heart, I will always remember that ride on the ocean...
holding on tightly to that strong man, my son,
as he found his confidence
pulled the gas on the jet ski
and we took flight.
I will hold on to his life vest for all of my life and with all of my strength...
I will be afraid at times for his safety...
I will be his father and his friend...
I will watch him soar above the waves...
And, we will celebrate the ride together...
I will remember holding on tightly to that strong man, my son, as we rode through a sea of jelly fish, laughing and hollering...
And, the silly oversized hotel on the wrong side of the street will be a simple, amusing and irrelevant memory.
It was an amazing weekend.
I am so very grateful.
Yours in harmony,
Nestor