Today is one of days where the trade offs are notable…
My youngest is going to 6th grade camp. I chaperoned for my oldest two boys, and did very much enjoy it.
It’s only one night, but it’s a big event for 6th graders.
I love being the dad that gets to go… that has the ability to take the time… and feels its important to be there.
I won’t be there with him on this trip.
I have gotten better at these decisions, but they still hurt.
Truth is – I almost always choose the boys over other things… but no streak goes unbroken.
The company we acquired in September has an executive meeting on the West Coast. I missed the first one, because it was my middle son’s birthday. I didn’t want to miss being here for that. I really need to be a part of these meetings to better understand this new business, build relationships with the key partners, and push on the integration efforts.
It was painful not to go to the first meeting – not because they needed me there, but because I think it slowed down the integration process.
But I was thrilled to be with my son on his birthday and help him celebrate…
I didn’t feel I could miss two in a row. The first two!
I want to be a successful business man. I want to grow our company. I want this acquisition to be extremely successful. And, I want to be a great dad!
I keep thinking of the quote… “You can do anything, but you can’t do everything!”
What hurts is that I initially told my son that I could go. And, he was thrilled. He is so very expressive, and gracious with his love. He makes sure I know how much he loves me, and I know he really wanted me to go.
When I told him that I had not looked at my schedule, and was going to be unable to make it. He was stoic and understood. His brain understood, but I know his heart hurt a little too.
I was so proud that he did not push at all. He just accepted it.
Maybe its me, but in our conversations regarding this trip in the past weeks (and there have not been that many)… I hear this little trail of sadness in his voice. It’s subtle, and maybe its my insanity acting up again, but I hear it in his voice… and I feel it in my heart.
I am growing up.
I realize that I am very present for him in many ways. Coaching his soccer team right now is a real time commitment. I am leaving work early two to three times every week to be there for him (and for me) at soccer. I enjoy my time with him so thoroughly.
But, this trip… I could not make with him.
As I sit at the airport, I am conscious of the trade off.
These tradeoffs, though occasional, used to affect me deeper. They used to push on that button of “you are not doing enough”, “you could be a better father”. I would second guess myself, “is this the right choice”… “should I have gone on the trip with him instead?”
Maybe its because I accept the truth – of my interests, my passions and my responsibilities.
Maybe its because I am sincerely excited about our business and its growth and this acquisition.
Maybe its because I am confident in the mutual love and respect I have with my son.
I don’t know.
I just know that the trade off is in my head. My heart hurts a little knowing that I wont be with him, but overall I am energized about my next two days trying to push our company to the next level.
I did put a note in his bag next to his pillow telling him how much I loved him. I stopped short of saying "wish I was with you". I didn't want him "wishing" back ;-( And, I do ROCK at Pioneering (one of the camp activities). My team never lost ;-)
And, I am excited to come back on the red eye and spend some time with him on Friday hearing about his exciting adventure at camp.
Not wishing I could be in two places at one anymore.
Embracing the truth of my great fortune to have a wonderful job and family, to have choices, and to have the peace of mind to balance the two.
I can do anything… but I can’t do everything.
Maybe I AM growing up…
Its ok to be sad to miss something…
It’s part of life! It’s part of a full and wonderful life.
Yours in harmony,
Nestor