I met with one of my favorite people today…
He is one of the most “harmonic” people I know.
He is grateful, transparent, kind, wise, crazy intelligent, hard working, and humble… so very humble.
It amazed me once again to see someone who I know to be such a wonderful person share with me some of the weight of everyday.
He is one who has “all of the ingredients” to make an amazing feast. He regularly prepares that feast for those around him. He just doesn’t partake nearly enough in his own feast.
He said to me, “I am much more of a chess player. I like to think about all of the possible moves that could happen, and how I would respond.”
There is value in that approach. There really is. I certainly do the same thing.
It made me think about Steve Jobs Stanford speech (which you can find clicking on “Digital Gold” from the blog home page). Steve Jobs says you can’t connect the dots of your life going forward, you can only connect them looking backwards.
Steve Jobs talks about how stepping out of his major in college and taking random classes had tremendous value for him in his life. His random auditing of the calligraphy class in college led to his insistence of his importance of fonts in developing the apple computer…
It made me think about Julio Olalla and his piece on conversations… on the fact that conversations are explorations, and that you must engage in them with an open mind, and without a destination. Yes, its fine and natural to have a direction that you want to go, but its also so important to allow the conversation go where it wants to go.
I saw a comment from the author of 5 Love Languages the other day, who said, something along the lines of, in marriage its not about one spouse “getting their way” its about the couple “clearing their own path”.
So, how to tie all of this together… because, YES there is a point to all of this….
Living life like a game of chess is a formula for disharmony. At best, it’s a formula for controlled and “sustainable harmony”, it is unlikely to deliver “transformational harmony”.
Hopefully by now you know that I don’t believe in absolutes. Certainly, in no absolutes other than the core concept of harmony.
WHY?
FOR SELF…
When its JUST you… you can chart your own path. You can possibly live your life like a chess game. You can lay down your own “moves” and you can have at it. Life may throw some curve balls. You may not get into the school you want, may not get into the program, into the job, into whatever a certain step is supposed to be. You may get sick. Someone you know may get sick. Life may just take you off your game, or introduce a new one.
Other than life taking you off your game, what about the “opportunity cost”?
The only “rules” that life gives you in order to play, besides what is law, are the rules/limitations/paradigms that we ourselves impose on our own lives.
Think about the statement from the other day, “What could our lives be like if we didn’t have our own limiting stories?”.
If we lay out too many moves at once, how do we know we are making the best possible moves ahead of time? Life is dynamic. Our desires evolve. The situation is constantly changing. What are we not learning, if we are always ready to make the next move before it comes?
FOR COUPLES, TEAMS, ORGANIZATIONS…
When there is more than one person involved, chess is a very dangerous game. Either you are passing up the collective intelligence of the group by setting your own direction, or you are distancing the group by not engaging them in the decision making process… Even if you have a general idea of how you want to play the game, and you engage people in the discussion, IF YOU ALREADY KNOW THE MOVES YOU WANT TO MAKE, it makes it really hard to really consider the alternatives that other people may suggest.
Engagement comes from accountability. How much accountability do you build if there is a pre-developed approach?
Opportunity requires open-mindedness. How well can you see new paths, if you have predetermined the path you are taking?
Conversation requires exploration.
Harmony suggests a slightly different approach…
There is NOTHING wrong with looking ahead and having some idea of what moves you want to make. And, once you have that general thought, put it away, and allow yourself to be fully in each moment along the way.
I have a dear friend that doesn’t like to have conversations with people about performance until she has “all of the facts”!
HOW CAN YOU HAVE ALL OF THE FACTS ON ISSUES DEALING WITH A SPECIFIC PERSON BEFORE YOU TALK TO THAT PERSON?
When dealing with real people, specially on tricky, touchy, or sensitive matters, pre-determining your moves is lethal. Getting “all of the facts” is devastating! Because it takes away the ability to mutually explore, to fully consider…
It takes away to ACCURATELY define the ABSOLUTE TRUTH of the moment, of the situation… certainly in the eyes of the other person.
For situations involving more than one person, THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH MUST BE JOINTLY DEFINED, TRUSTED and UNDERSTOOD…
Only then, can you expand into the want of the direction that you MUTUALLY desire.
Not sure if that makes sense to you…
Again, I am not saying looking ahead and considering options and alternatives is disharmony. It doesn’t have to be…
But, be careful. Pre-determined paths can fail at building rapport and trust, can miss upside, can create distance, and most importantly, can fail to define the absolute truth.
Also, predetermined paths or sequences SETS YOU UP for wishing things had worked out differently versus continually embracing the next step, however, it may show up…
Chess is fun. It requires intelligence. It sharpens our minds.
Have a game plan… but in life, leave room for the game board and the rules to change, stay in the moment, bring everyone along for the ride…
Remember, the game goes on and on, death is the only checkmate.
Live in the moment. Live in harmony... and protect your king or queen ;-)
Nestor Benavides