Harmony is this simple…
It’s the reaction of niceness.
Do we ever really grow up?
As human beings from the day that we are born, we look for the REactions of those around us.
First, we seek the reaction of our parents.
Then, we seek the reaction of our brothers and sisters.
Then, we seek the reaction of our friends.
… of our teachers
… of our boyfriend or girlfriend
… of our fellow employees
… of our bosses (careful)
… of our clients
… of our spouse (oh that is a tricky one…)
And, maybe, ultimately, of ourselves.
Knowing that others will react to us, makes us feel alive. In some ways, in many ways, short sighted or long sighted, knowing we can cause a reaction not only makes us feel alive, but gives us purpose.
As babies… we respond to the things that make the grown ups pay attention to us. Before we even know what we are doing, we are creating reactions and loving it.
As adults, why do we dream about big titles, big houses, expensive cars, boob jobs, hair dyes, etc.…
Do we realize how influenced we are by our desire for REactions?
So, in every moment, if no one reacts – did we live it?
What happens if you are having a conversation and you hear nothing back from the people you are talking to? How does that feel?
What happens when you kiss your spouse and you get no response? How does that feel?
What happens when you tell a joke and no one laughs?
What happens when you share something with your kids and they don’t seem to care?
What happens when you have a moment of no reaction?
We all seek reaction. We all need reaction. We seek it and we need it deeply and authentically.
That is why CARING is such a POWERFUL trait. To CARE is to REACT to someone in a supportive, concerned, and encouraging way.
Do you realize how much you crave reaction?
Do you see yourself when you don’t get the reaction you hoped? What do you do?
Some people internalize it. DISHARMONY. They internalize it. I wish I was funnier. I wish I hadn’t said that. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was different. I wish I didn’t exist.
Some people externalize it. DISHARMONY. They externalize it. I wish they were smarter. I wish they could understand what I am saying. I wish I worked somewhere different. I wish I had different kids, or a different spouse. I wish they didn’t exist.
So, then we choose to CONTROL the reaction… as we progress in business or in life, we choose to become dictators. We protect ourselves by knowing better, by knowing the right answers all the time. So, we dictate and we make sure we control the reactions of those who work for us, of our kids, of our spouses…
Controlling reactions is never healthy. We control by exerting force, physical, mental or otherwise. And, then we get the reactions. It makes us feel alive. But, is alive really all we seek?
I believe that ultimately, we seek and need reaction, not just to know that we are alive… that is part of it. We seek and need reaction because we want to add value. We don’t just want to know we exist, we want to know we are worthy of existing.
If we can feel love, we can feel worthy. But worthy comes first.
The irony, is that the ultimate love and recognition that we seek is OUR OWN.
We seek the REaction of others so that we can feel WORTH of ourselves.
How crazy is that?
When we truly understand life, we realize that it is our own REaction, our OWN acknowledgement that we need.
When we realize we are worthy, when we realize we are worthy of love, THEN we can create the reaction that we so desperately want from others.
It certainly is easier if you are showered with attention from those you love. It makes loving yourself easier. But, it shouldn’t be necessary. And, loving yourself is where it all starts.
I remember seeing it and feeling it in my sons when they were weeks old, months old, and years old. I see it now in them as they become such formidable men. They still seek reaction. I see it in the people I work with (though we try to pretend at work that we don’t need each others reactions). I see it so pronounced in my father. He so desperately hopes to get reactions in his final years. And, he desperately wants it to be positive, but in the absence of positive, he gets whatever reaction he can get.
I notice it in myself…
Though I am working hard to REact to myself, to acknowledge my own worth. I seek it and need it, because I want to be able to more completely and fully REact to those I love fully and caringly.
“Life from your fullness” Tara Brach says… I love that thought. We can’t REact to those we love in the best possible way, if we are empty ourselves.
So, this whole HARMONY and DISHARMONY thing…
It’s just two different types of REactions that happen in everymoment.
And, one of the two always happens.
Sometimes its not visible, because its internalized… but it happens.
My premise is that two human beings cannot interact and not leave some kind of mark.
Be mindful of our need for REaction.
Be aware of our need for confirmation of our worthiness.
Realize we seek it ultimately from ourselves.
Achieving harmony with yourself is where it all starts. And, like all harmony, you never actually achieve it over time.
You have to fight for it in every moment… and win it over and over again.
Harmony begets harmony… disharmony begets disharmony.
RE action or re ACTION…?
Look for it in your moments.
Yours in the pursuit,
Nestor B.