WARNING: This is written from a man’s perspective, so ladies, you have a right to chime in and correct me ;-)
It was a long, long week, and a long trip home…
Monday was my oldest son’s birthday and we went to a nice steak dinner to celebrate.
Tuesday, I had a 5 am flight, all day meetings in Memphis and drove sleepily to Nashville.
Wednesday, all day meetings and flew through Dallas to San Francisco.
Thursday, I woke up after 3 hours of sleep to conference calls and then had meetings all day in San Francisco. I snuck in a 90 minute run.
Friday, all day meetings again, met an old friend, had a dinner with our team in San Francisco and then sprinted to the airport… dropped off the rental car, took the train, walked 4 miles to the terminal, you know the drill. Boarded the plane at 10:00 pm Pacific time and landed at 6:45 am … took a train, took a bus, rented a car (because I landed in Virginia) and headed home…
So, I get home and everyone is asleep, except my little guy. We cuddle by the television happy to be together.
There is a tension, a disharmony on the return of a long trip that I fully get, but can’t seem to avoid.
There is a “conversation” behind the conversation. Or, at least I think there is…
In my mind, the story goes something like this, “I had a productive but exhausting week. I missed my family, and am so excited to be back. I am doing what I have to do. I am working hard and making progress for the good of the family. I am trying to balance the needs of my business with the needs of my family, so I take the red eye home…” I don’t expect “Welcome Home Honey” Banners or big “I missed you honey” hugs… but I feel like at a minimum, I am doing my part… and I am not sure anyone really recognizes it.
In my wives mind (and this is my take and how it feels to me. NOT HAVING ASKED HER, my perspective could very well be COMPLETELY OFF)… “So, you are home! What do you expect, “A Welcome Home Honey” sign.. Ahhh – NOOO! I’ve been working my butt off all week taking care of the boys, making lunches, running around keeping the house in order and the boys on task. I’ve been doing this while you have been wining and dining with clients and enjoying gorgeous days in San Francisco… It would be nice to get at least a “Thank you Honey” for keeping it all together… I am doing my part… and I am pretty sure no one really recognizes it.
So, these two conversations are underlying other conversations throughout the day.
At times during the day, I find myself less patient and nice than I know I am supposed to be. My fuse is a little shorter than usual. I am trying… I came home on the red eye to be part of the daily activities and I was looking forward to it… and now that I am in it, I am having a hard time making it all positive.
So my inner voice starts, “You are tired DUDE! You didn’t sleep AT ALL last night. Cut yourself some slack. You deserve a NAP! You’ve been working your butt off all week, and now you are home participating with the family… get some REST!” You’ve earned it”…
Ah… that is right… I am pretty darn tired. I better be careful, because being tired makes me less likely to be patient and kind. I can get a little testy when I am tired.
So, I look into my wives eyes and I read them… (AGAIN – this is my interpretation of what they are thinking… IF she reads this blog, I may find out for sure, OR I may be in A LOT of trouble ;-) Her eyes to me say this…
“OH NO YOU DON’T… YOU BETTER NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT NAPPING… I’ve been alone all week and I am not going to be alone with the boys today. You keep your lazy butt up all day and pretend you have some energy…”
I smile at the thought that all these conversations are actually going on in my head…
I am so happy to be home. When I was sitting with my son watching TV, I was in heaven. When I hugged my boys hello, I felt reenergized. I want to reenergize with my wife too, but the tension there takes a little time to fade… the conversations need to die down… maybe in both of our heads… probably just in mine.
Maybe it’s the guilt of having been away…
Maybe if there was some sign that my efforts to earn a good life are understood…
Who knows…
I amuse myself thinking about all the different possibilities and conversations that I’d like to have, but am sometimes hesitant to start them… I wish it was easier to just say what I was thinking without being so concerned about offending…
In my mind, I compare myself to colleagues and friends and acquaintances and I conclude, “It’s really not so bad… we’ve got it pretty darn good!” But those words, I am fairly sure wouldn’t add much said out loud.
I can only guess at what words and thoughts are being held back.
I so want to live in a world where we don’t hold so many words back. Those are the relationships we relish and deeply enjoy… the ones where we just say what is on our minds and trust that our partner will hear them in the right way…
Maybe, very possibly, I am the problem, the only problem, and my wife is saying everything she is thinking, and it is me that is assuming that there is a whole different conversation going on in her head…
I am working on it…
In so many instances, what I say, is the third version of what I would have innately said, because I am trying to embrace the absolute truth… multiple things can be true at the same time…
Truth is… we are both doing our parts… we probably just don’t say thank you enough in either direction…
Truth is… we love each other… but the longer we go without a thank you the longer the conversations go without either one of us saying a word…
Truth is… I had some amazing experiences during my trip, but I am afraid to share them because it might make it seem like I had more fun or enjoyed myself more than I was supposed to…
I can’t help myself… I try to have amazing experiences no matter where I am…
Truth is… marriage is tough and harmony is tough… and I probably make it tougher by holding such a high bar and trying to understand the harmony from all sides…
Truth is… we both work crazy hard and are probably dying for the other one to acknowledge it…
Truth is… I am thrilled to be home, It was a fantastic week, I did feel guilty being away, and boy, oh boy, I could really, really use a nap!
Yours in sleepy harmony,
Nestor