A few months ago, I was meeting with a guy that liked to think and pull things apart. Of course, I told him about HARMONY (can't help myself)...
He was intrigued and asked me, regarding "my nucleus of the moment" which I had written on the napkin, "IS". He asked me, "What is the definition of is?"
I don't know about that question. Those are my FAVORITE kind...
"Well", I said, "The definition of is... is the absolute truth that exists independent of our human perceptions. IS is what is ultimately real & true." I felt like I was stumbling and rambling.
"Don't overthink it", he said confidently... "IT IS WHAT IT IS... IS is itself its definition."
Now, I was completely sober and I found myself both intrigued and a bit dizzy...
It IS what it IS...
hmmm...
Could it be that simple?
By now, you probably get that I can't leave any thought alone...
"IT IS WHAT IT IS"..... NO.... CAREFUL!
So often, when we say, "It is what it is", we say it absolving ourselves from any responsibility. We say it distancing ourselves from what is. We say it with a sense of hopelessness that what is, always will be, and cannot be changed, or at least cannot be changed by you.
IT IS WHAT IT IS (and I wish it was different)... is DISHARMONY.
IT IS WHAT IT IS (and I wish I could change it)... is DISHARMONY.
IT IS WHAT IT IS (and I want to make it better)... is HARMONY.
IT IS WHAT IT IS (and I will improve upon it)... is HARMONY.
IS in harmony is THE BEGINNING of our efforts...
IS in disharmony is THE END of our efforts...
In the mindset of harmony... in the desire of living a happy life...
We must work on 4 very important steps of IS...
1. UNDERSTAND OBJECTIVELY what IS
2. BE SPECIFIC WITH what IS
3. BE GRATEFUL for what IS
4. BELIEVE and WORK to expand the IS into the IS you want
UNDERSTAND OBJECTIVELY what IS
It is hard to externalize our own perspective and be fully mindful of our own biases that define what IS. The best way I know of objectively finding the IS, is listening to others. Truly hearing and understanding the perspective of others about a situation, helps you understand all the "biased" angles of IS, that allow us to see it independent of the filters.
I will work on giving a better method of understanding is... but my simple answer right now is ASK QUESTIONS... and be mindful that YOUR OWN perspective is not IS... in and of itself it's biased and incomplete.
1. BE SPECIFIC WITH IS
This is extremely important, and I had never considered it fully until this morning. When we say "It is what it is" we take alot of assumed truths and lump them together...
Because
someone is smart at one thing, we assume them to be smart at everything.
someone is not that smart at one thing, we assume they are not smart at anything.
someone at work says something in a thoughtless way, we assume that they don't care about us or our feelings.
one initiative didn't work, we assume no initiatives will work.
we succeeded at one thing, we believe we can do no wrong.
one child does his homework late at night, we assume he doesn't care about his schoolwork.
one spouse is more or less affectionate, we assume them to love us more or less.
The list is ENDLESS. And, we must be crazy careful. Too often we assume because one specific absolute truth exists, we want to simplify our world and lump several iterations and extensions of "other" truths / IS to it. DON'T DO THAT!
When we approach each other having over defined what is... we distance each other.
2. BE AS SPECIFIC AS YOU CAN WITH THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH!
If I am thoughtless about one word or one action... allow the moment and the IS to simply be that I was thoughtless about one word or one action. If your absolute truth becomes that I don't care about you... it is almost impossible to find harmony and construct anything else. And, its just not true.
If your child is up late doing his homework... allow the moment and the IS to simply be that he was up late doing his homework. If your absolute truth becomes that he doesn't care about school... it is almost impossible to achieve harmony. And, its just not true.
If my mom has Alzheimers and is angry and irrational... I need to allow the moment and the IS to be simply that she has Alzheimers and is angry. If my absolute truth becomes that she is now going to always be irrational and she can no longer make any decisions... it is almost impossible to achieve harmony... and its just not true.
I could go on and on here with examples.... I have friends in difficult relationships that could fill a book with examples. We could write a separate book on the assumptions that we overgeneralize as parents about our children. And, then a third edition starting to explore this concept in business and with our colleagues. I wrote the other day about "the limiting stories" that we make up about ourselves and each other. Those "limiting stories" happen from taking too much liberty and generalizing the truth of what is.
By being specific, we give each other the opportunity to explain without defensiveness. By being specific, we can understand with less emotion what caused the moment. By being specific, we will still believe that all those other things that we want or expect can still be true. And, when we are open minded to other things being true...
Not sure if this makes sense... but ONE OF THE MOST DAMAGING THINGS TO HARMONY is ASSUMPTIONS on the ABSOLUTE TRUTH that go beyond WHAT REALLY IS...
3. BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT IS...
Whatever it IS... you must find the part of it to be grateful for... PERIOD. There is no alternative. Without some seed of gratitude we cannot construct.
My mother has Alzheimers... I am grateful that she has so many people that love her and care for her. I am grateful that she still remembers me well. I am grateful that for the most part, she has locked into a happy self and happy memories. I am grateful that I get the opportunity to help her... etc.
I am risk averse and that hurts my entrreprenurial spirit.... I am grateful that I recognize it, and can easily complement myself with people around me who push me. I am grateful that while it may have limited my growth to date, it has also kept me out of trouble and made me who I am. I am grateful that is one of my limitations... because it is so much easier to overcome than so many others... etc.
My sisters died from Muscular Dystrophy... I am grateful that I got to know them. I am grateful that they gave me the gift of being aware of being alive. I am grateful that because of their illness, we came to the United States and started along a very new and different life... etc.
I am a large man and struggle with my weight... I am grateful that I have started to figure out how to manage that. I am grateful that my children have seen that transition. I am grateful that other than that, I am strong and healthy... etc.
NO MATTER WHAT the IS is... we must be able to SEE THE GRATITUDE... IT'S ALWAYS THERE! IT IS THE FUEL THAT ALLOWS US TO DO STEP 4.
4. BELIEVE AND WORK TO IMPROVE ON THE IS...
Things are what they are... until they aren't. People are very hard to change (But the more specific we define the IS that we want to change, modify, evolve, grow... the better our chances). I NEVER said expanding on what IS was going to be easy... it can be a lifelone process. I also believe that sometimes... improving on the IS requires changing the IS.
Point being... I am not saying beat your head against the same wall forever...
REMEMBER Harmony is about MOMENTS...
In every moment expect the IS to be able to be improved and work to improve it...
But if over time you cannot change the IS, that becomes part of the new IS... and sometimes a CHANGE of direction is needed...
IN EVERY MOMENT... BELIEVE that you CAN and WILL change the IS and WORK TO MAKE IT HAPPEN...
And, whether or not you succeed, start again in the next moment with the new IS... and try again.
BELIEVE...
So, IT IS WHAT IT IS...
IT IS WHAT IT IS is THE BEGINNING IN HARMONY, and the END in disharmony.
I am not playing with words at all here...
Think about it...
Be mindful of what you believe in every moment.... that is where it all starts...
And, I for one... won't ever say "IT IS WHAT IT IS".... because I will not absolve myself of responsibility for any IS that I am connected to...
Every moment is connected.... and we have the ability and the desire to affect them all...
I hope I didn't make you dizzy...
What is the definition of IS?
IS is the absolute truth... IS is our reality free from our perceptions and biases...
The more we are able to see the IS without bias, without emotion, without expanding unnecessarily into more than it IS...
The more we are able to see the IS and FIND OUR GRATITUDE in it...
The more we will be able to achieve harmony... and success... and happiness.
YOURS IN ALL THAT IS!
Nestor