Yesterday, I had the opportunity of visiting a dear friend’s father in hospice.
And, it brought to mind the concept of death, hospices, sadness and life… I’d love to write about all 4… but I’d go too long. So, let me focus on one at a time…
I am weird in that, I try never miss an opportunity to participate in a loved one’s, friend’s, or even an aquaintance’s final days or final moments…
DEATH
Most of us don’t have that many opportunities (specially in the Suburbian United States) to see death up close in a real setting.
I pick on “suburbia” USA, because in Peru, my family sees death all the time. The geographic distances are much closer, and the personal networks are so much larger, that it seems that you are going to a funeral (un entierro) at least monthly. It could be your uncle, your cousin’s uncle, your friend’s uncle, your colleagues uncle… and unfortunately so often someone in your own age group… the circle is much broader.
My mentee and friend, who lives in inner Baltimore, seems to be much more exposed to death than we are here in Ellicott City. He has been to funerals probably 10 times in the past 5 or 10 years, and he is 25 or so. Unfortunately, with him, he is most often going to see someone who is his own age, who has recently passed.
We see too much of it in an over-trivialized way on TV and in the movies. But, it means little to nothing on those venues. Unless of course, it is acted out with the intensity it was in a movie like, “Terms of Endearment”. I can’t keep from crying when I watch a parent have to say goodbye to their kid, knowing they are going to die, or when I see a kid say goodbye to their parents in the same situation.
I know I have shared, that like so many of us, I used to fear death, and now I fully and completely accept it.
I read so often that “death and life are just two sides of the same coin”. “Death is part of the process of life”.
So, anyway, my friend’s father went to the hospice last Sunday. For seven days he has had no food or drink, not even water. But, he looked well and peaceful as he was induced with some wonderful drugs to sleep and rest.
Harry, is my friend’s father’s name. He looked peaceful and healthy in his disturbed sleep. He was a good man. I grew up visiting him at his house. He was funny. He was caring. And, he is 92.
He was not a particularly affectionate man, in that he never hugged or made much physical contact with me.
One of my most memorable encounters with him, was when I ran into him at Giant grocery store. We had graduated from college, and his son had gone to explore the world, so he had been gone for probably a year. He saw me at the store, and came up to me and gave me a big hug and a kiss. It was out of character, but welcomed. He was a good man, and I suspect that in seeing me, he felt his sadness of not seeing his son for a very long time. And, I suspect by hugging me, in some way, he felt closer to his son.
As I knew him, Harry wore glasses and had a very full face. He would blink a lot, struggling to see. His eyesight was not very good.
Above all, Harry loved his wife and his son. They were very much the center and majority of his world. And, he lived happily.
It is always sad to see someone, in what is likely their last moments. Though when you see someone who has lived a full life, it is not a sadness of life robbing you of time, but rather simply the sadness of the end of this circle of life.
It is the sadness of knowing that another life is coming to a close, and that all of our lives will come to a close.
It is a very different kind of sadness, than those you feel when the Zach, the Maryland University student, goes into Hospice dying of cancer… There you feel robbed, you feel injustice, you feel vulnerable…
We spent the time catching up with my good friend, whom is the first friend I made when I moved to the United States. He was my friend in elementary school, and junior high school, and high school, and college and in and for life….
We talked about the meaning of life, according to the Dalai Lama ;-) We talked about harmony. We talked and we talked…
The reason I like to be close to death, is because it is the greatest and most powerful reminder to me that life is so short… I love that speech by Steve Jobs who says something along the lines of “it is the fact that we are going to die that gives us the power to live”.
The more aware we are of death, the better we live.
NOT the “more anxious or afraid” we are of death… those things actually make us miss living for being lost in fear and anxiety.
I thought a lot about the day, that hopefully, I will have played out my hand, and will be the one lying there on the bed… sleeping, waiting to die.
And, I say hopefully, because I hope to have the opportunity to live out my hand…
I think that is the hardest way to be judged… when you have played out your full hand.
My sisters died at 7 and 15. They were perfect angels. They were assessed for the lives they didn’t get to live, as well as for the short lives they did.
As a kid, I wanted to die young, so that I could also die an angel. So that I could also die a hero.
Maybe that is where my “pressure” comes from to make something of myself, to live a life worth living. I don’t want to be the sibling that dies, and people say, “Yeah, he could have been and done so much more…” That would seem like such complete and utter failure.
When you die old, you’ve played your full hand… and that used to scare me.
For me, when it comes to death, in the philosophy of harmony… you anchor in all the absolute truth of all that was… you anchor in on the gratitude for the life… but in the next moment, you bring that gratitude into your own.
When we die, we can get no better… but, when we die, we leave our absolute truth for others to build on.
Moments stop begetting moments, for the one who passes…
It is the ultimate “handoff”…
But, that is not how I will live my life. It puts too much pressure on me, to leave the handoff to the final play.
For me, in my life, in my purpose, I want to make handoff’s EVERYDAY.
Obviously, there is some energy that can only be transferred in the end, but I want to transfer as much of my energy as possible NOW, in this and every moment.
Simply because I am an opportunist. I think you can make more great plays, if you hand off the ball as you go rather than at the end. There is more time left on the clock for all of us, why not use it.
My father remains consumed by who will get the “porcelains”. He still believes, God bless his him, that his value will be in the clay figurines that he leaves behind…
I feel so sad for him (my father). It must be so sad, to feel like your handoff, such an important part of it, will be the “things you leave behind”. To me, it makes me realize how insecure he must be in the handoff’s he has made throughout his life.
And, to be clear, he has given me so many amazing and powerful handoffs, but he has no idea what they are… I need to do a better job of telling him.
I used to worry about my death bed…
What will people say… will I have lived a worthwhile life. Will people be truly sad? Will I be missed?
How SELFISH and how IRRELEVANT!
It’s not whether I will be missed, its whether I have helped make lives of those I care about better…
And, it’s irrelevant, because on my death bed, it won’t matter anymore.
It’s RIGHT HERE and RIGHT NOW baby! This is the only moment I own, the only moment I’ve got…
What am I doing right now to make the lives of those I care about better, richer, more meaningful? That is the question… and if I do that well, they might miss me, but who cares… the reason to live life that way is NOT TO BE MISSED, but TO HAVE CONTRIBUTED… To have owned the gift of knowing you have contributed to those you love… you have given them a gift back… you have helped and influenced in some way to travel a new and better trajectory…
And, why IRRELEVANT on my death bed… It’s relevant NOW!
You can maybe see why I get so worked up about death.
It is such an important part of life and of wisdom. Not in that it is a part that contains the most meaning, but it is the
AWARENESS of the REALITY of DEATH that gives us THE AWARENESS OF THE REALITY OF LIFE!!!
Death is a gift…
How would we truly live our lives if the concept of death did not exist?
If we would live it no differently… than we aren’t really living.
Harry, rest my dear friend. Thank you for giving me the gift of your son. He has been a pillar, and a brother, and a loyal and loving friend. Thank you for your example that a simple life can be a full and good life. Thank you for your smile and your lessons. Thank you for allowing me to share in your life and in your final moments. I will be mindful of you every moment of today and tomorrow.
As I went to give Harry a kiss on his forehead and thank him. I truly saw in his face, a younger man that I had never known. He was leaner than I had ever seen him. He wasn’t wearing glasses and his hair was actually darker than I remembered…
As I walked away, in his face, I saw my friend’s face so clearly… so clearly… In his face, I saw my bud...
It is truly a circle of life…
We are born, we live and we die, and the circle turns quickly…
While knowing you are never going to see someone again is certainly sad,
Death is not sad…
Not living life to its fullest is sad…
Thank you Harry and rest…
I don't plan on living my life so that the ultimate handoff happens the moment I die…
I will live life handing it off everyday… gratefully and in the spirit of doing it even better tomorrow…
LIVE YOUR MOMENT!
Yours in harmony,
Nestor