My relationship with my birthday is a complicated one.
We have had a sordid past.
Sure, like all kids, I used to like my birthdays. As a small boy in Peru, about 100 people seemed to be at my party. I didn’t know half the people, but they all brought gifts, so it was cool ;-) My parents would make these huge platters of finger sandwiches and sweet treats, and the BEST part was that the next day, I got to take left overs to school.
The day AFTER my birthday was my favorite day of the year, because that is the day I took the chocolate balls, and the mana balls, and the little eclairs, and the chicken and olive and egg sandwiches to school. I don’t remember what I would eat any other day, but I remember those days my lunch was MUCH better.
When we came to the States, birthday’s where still cool. Putt-Putt, Armands Pizzeria, Bowling… all fun stuff.
It was in college where I remember really struggling with my birth day.
Why is it so important? It’s just one more day.
What are we really celebrating?
All I did to deserve this celebration was to be born, and not die in the past year.
How hard was that?
I don’t deserve this celebration…
And, so my mind went.
I remember walking with a girl, whose name escapes me. And, we were having a philosophical discussion about my birthday.
She said, what do you really want on your birthday?
I thought for a while and said, “I want someone to say, ‘I am glad you were born’”.
That night, she dropped off a card. I opened it, and inside it said “I am glad you were born.” I smiled. She sent me a card until we graduated with the same message.
But, still, I hated it. I wanted to hide on my birthday. I really did.
I hadn’t earned the celebration. And, at the same time, I was upset people didn’t make a bigger deal about it.
I could feel both sides of it. (This is how I know that I am really insane.)
I didn’t want anyone to acknowledge it, AND I was angry that people didn’t make a fuss. I am fairly certain I drove Susy nuts for years.
Then the boys were born, and for some reason, my birthday became a little less hated.
Having the boys wish me a happy birthday made me happy. Reading their notes on my birthday filled me up.
Slowly, over the past 17 years, my birthday changed.
A few years ago, I decided that really my birthday isn’t about me, it should be about me being grateful for the people I love. So, I tried to buy my family presents on my birthday. That felt much better. It felt much more appropriate and natural.
How cool would that be?
I am not a good gift giver, because I am not a good planner for things I need to do outside of work. So, on my birthday I would give my family presents. I love that idea, and wish I would have kept that tradition going. I will start it again!
So, here is what I have figured out after much thought on this topic.
The absolute truth is that in college and afterwards,
I WASN’T HAPPY THAT I WAS BORN!
I struggled with guilt. Why did I get to be the one that lived? I struggled with being worthy. What is so special about me? I struggled with my level of success or what I saw as my lack of it. I struggled with ME, and the version of ME that I had come to see.
Last Saturday, I made a special meal with some dear friends. I wish I had a table that sat 40 because for some reason, I find it so important to sit at the table when we have people over…
I have been on a mad dash since January. Truly a very crazy pace. Just this week I was in Dallas Tuesday and Wednesday, returned home last night at 1 am, bootcamp this morning at 5:30 am, now at the airport heading to North Carolina to come back tomorrow (Friday on my birthday) at 4:30 pm to rush to a soccer game that I am coaching, and pack for Peru.
It is a break neck pace. But, I am happy.
I have arrived at a life of harmony… in this moment… and in the majority of moments that I live.
I realize how very ungrateful I was for so many years.
I am ALIVE! I get to LIVE! I get to breathe and run and laugh and think and explore and work and dream and love… I am ALIVE and I get to LIVE! And, I am deeply grateful for it.
I GET IT now!
I get what so many lists suggest, what so many profess, what so many write about, what all of us live for…
I GET IT now!
And, so, my birth day, is indeed JUST ONE MORE DAY!
Just ONE MORE MIRACLE!
Just ONE MORE OPPORTUNITY!
Just ONE MORE GIFT…
I get it now… and I am grateful… and I love each and everyone of you for being part of my gift, and for being part of my journey.
I don’t take it for granted any more.
I don’t spend time “Wishing” I was more… I spend my moments being grateful for all that I am, and then I try to be even better…
It’s my BIRTH DAY today!
And, I am grateful to be able to get home to my family.
I am grateful to see my boy play soccer, and to hug my older two.
I am grateful for my friends, for my colleagues…
I am grateful to do our cheers with our warriors and to see their faces full of smiles and to push them to be more.
I will be grateful to be home… to have a glass of wine… to hug them all and to share my gift with all of them…
I am grateful for this VERY special gift…
I am grateful for my birthday
I know why I was born, and I know why I wake up.
I want to make the lives of those I know better...
I want to spread harmony.
I am grateful for my birth day EVERYDAY…
And, I love you for being a part of it.
Yours in Harmony,
Nestor