I don’t remember the last time I felt “out of control”…
Before this past Friday, that is…
On Friday, I temporary lost my cool in a way that hasn’t happened in literally decades, and over a pretty petty thing.
Without giving you the long story, I was at my gym using a workout band that I had brought, in an area that I had worked out before. It has been a long week. I hadn’t worked out all week, and it was Friday. I freed up one hour total, and I was looking to a little workout.
At the gym, there are a few trainers that like to kick me out of different rooms, and seem to always be focused on finding ways to make me “move” or “stop doing what I am doing because I am not allowed”. The rules literally make no sense to me (and, I am not particularly good at rules that make no sense to me). I am also not good at people with authority who seem to want to wield it just cause they have it.
I had exactly one hour from 1 to 2, including changing. I had a race with my boys on Saturday, so I didn’t want to run. I wanted to do some upper body and core. I changed, walked outside, set up my TRX band and was about to start my workout. It was 1:05 pm. I figured I had a good 40 minute workout, then sprint to change and get back to the office for my 2 pm meeting.
So, I lean back, and there is some guy coming up to me. He didn’t look like he worked there. “Are you working out with a trainer?”, he asked. “Nope”, I replied. “Then you can’t work outside?” “Do you work here?” I asked. “Yes, I am the new manager.”
KAPOWWWWW
I flipped out…
I grabbed my band and stormed off. I started yelling, “I am DONE. Stop charging my credit card. I am DONE fighting to try to get a work out.” I was livid.
I stormed inside and yelled at the counter, “Cancel my card. I am done. Stop billing me. I am done.”
I went into the locker room, grabbed my stuff, and stormed back out slamming doors. When I got back to the counter, I tried to write my name on an 8 ½ by 11 sheet of paper. I could barely get my name out. My hands were shaking. I was getting more furious. The new manager was following me around, “I am sorry sir, I didn’t mean to make you upset. Is there anything we can do? “ He kept saying that over and over again. I managed to write my name, and the manager told me that I had to fill out a form. I am fairly certain that I was filling the air with superlatives, and I signed the form (as well as I could trying to control my trembling hand) and stormed out.
I know the owner of the gym (with multiple locations) and the other manager of the gym. I emailed them both and said “I quit, I am done”.
I went for a 4 mile run, trying to cool down. It was almost an “out of body” experience. I kept watching myself from the outside like an outsider,
WHAT HAPPENED THERE?
I was laughing at myself. Then, I started feeling crazy embarrassed.
I still can’t explain exactly what happened… but the disharmony I felt was overwhelming.
I have been “less patient” than usual. I noticed the tone in a few emails was a little short and curt in the morning.
It was a VERY full week. I am working on various important initiatives, that are all largely positive, but there were a lot of “high consequence” meetings, presentations, conversations, all week long. I was a little frustrated at home. Lastly, every time that I go to the gym, I am “on edge” and “on the ready” wondering when someone is going to try to bust my chops with some irrelevant rule.
But, I didn’t feel angry going to work out.
What happened to me?
I shared this story with a few friends, who understood that there was reason to be “annoyed”, but were flabbergasted with my reaction. I, myself, was flabbergasted. I take pride in managing my stress, my mindset, and my emotions. I almost NEVER lose my temper. I remember losing it once in 1999, but it wasn’t as bad…
So, this is what it must feel like, I thought during my run…
I perhaps take it a little for granted that controlling tempers is a relatively “easy” thing.
My mom, with her Alzheimer’s has been losing her temper almost every day. She gets in a rage. I guess that is what she must feel like. Poor thing.
I have a few buds, that have had little outbursts of anger, cause them major frustration and issues. I always felt like, “Why don’t you just control it?”, but clearly, its not always “in our control”.
I don’t know exactly what the lesson is from this, other than our brains are powerful organs.
1. Our brains control our behavior and sometimes do so in ways that we would not choose, and that we would not prefer, but sometimes our primal behavior does take over. (Are you aware when it does?)
2. Are there different shades of gray? Could our brains be controlling our behavior in its own primal way sometimes – IN PART? Absolutely… Even when I am not fully “out of control” as I was on Friday, how much of my behavior is my primal being directing and affecting?
3. When our brains get FULL… if our will power is consumed, if our stress level is high enough, our behavior can be very primal. CLEARLY!
4. I believe that my control is strong, and has gotten stronger through the years, as I become more self aware, but clearly there is more to go. We must work on our own will power. We must work on our own self control. We must work on conditioning our brain, not to let our primal instinct take over (unless we are in true danger).
I have had a few exchanges with the owner of the gym and the manager. We are all making light of it now. But, in conversations with myself, it is no laughing matter.
I was disrespectful to people, in a way that is unacceptable.
If I had an issue with the people at the gym, I should have sat down and resolved it, or chosen to leave. Carrying that frustration is a form of “wishing” things where different, but not doing anything about it.
I don’t know exactly what to do…
The owner at the gym and the manager are saying its nuts for me to leave the gym on that technicality. They have offered me a staff shirt, so that there are no issues going forward. But, I don’t want “special treatment” (or do I). I don’t want to be at a gym where simple, normal things are against the rules for no reason. But if I didn’t want special treatment, why did I reach out to the owner, and not just quit? (I think its because I wanted him to know they have rules that don’t make any sense.) but I am not 100% sure.
I don’t know what to do.
The gym is a great value, full of good people, and extremely convenient. The right conclusion is to suck up my ego, write a letter to the staff of the gym (which I should do regardless) and keep my membership.
But, wow, I do feel like such a fool. How could I lose my cool. I said a lot of nutty stuff.
But, leaving the gym, would likely be mainly because I don’t want to go back against my rant, and be seen a complete fool. (Being seen a fool is not usually an issue for me).
HARMONY – embrace the absolute truth and move toward what you want.
The moment has passed. The truth is that the gym is a good gym, it offers a lot, and I do want to keep working out.
I need to continue to try to uncover the absolute truth of what is going on in my head, and with my work, and with my life that has made me less stable.
I will keep you posted.
I have greater empathy for those around me who have episodes of anger more often.
For now, I will be mindful of my little episode. I get that I am human and very imperfect, and it is my intention and my mission to keep growing.
Yours in occasional volatile harmony,
Nestor