Friends, some days are UP and some days are down… and on the DOWN days I try like heck to aim for FLAT… ;-)
Truth is, I am struggling. I thought about not writing for a few days, but the spirit of this blog is the absolute truth, and down days are part of the truth.
I know I am not where I want to be from a mindset stand point. How do I know?
- My outburst Friday was very out of the norm.
- I feel a weight on me that I don’t normally feel.
- It’s like I have to try hard to get excited.
Rationally, I can pull apart the things that I am working on, and they all make sense. The majority of the things that I am working on are positive and going well.
It’s funny… I can see harmony right there next to me, and for some reason, I am having a tough time getting my arms around it. Internalizing it.
I read a chapter on Will Power in The One Thing book, and it speaks to will power being a zero sum game. When you run out of energy, you run out of will power. At the end of the day, you have less will power than in the morning. That is the reason why we snack late at night.
My plate & my mind is full, and I think that is causing me to struggle to find the extra energy to “orient” myself in the right way… and I feel embarrassed saying that and feeling that.
WHY?
For so many reasons…
The biggest of which is it feels so ungrateful. I have an amazing life, and I am the one that has chosen virtually all of the things on my plate right now. I always think about the question, “How many people on earth would trade places with me right now?” And, the answer is – the VAST majority… billions of people…
They would love the opportunity to live in the US.
They would love the opportunity to be healthy and have a healthy family.
They would love the opportunity to be leading a great company.
They would love the opportunity to have the means, the freedom and the opportunity to accomplish limitless things…. Which I do…
So, why? Why can I not get on the right side of harmony?
I can and I will… I just have to work through it.
Part of me feels financial stress. This is exacerbated by the fact that my parents need some support and my boys are going to college, and its time to put up or shut up. Time keeps passing. I keep getting older, and I am not yet financially independent. Not even close. On occasion, that bothers me.
It makes me question;
What decisions haven’t I made, that I should have made?
What am I lacking in my ability to prioritize?
What am I doing wrong?
Why am I not able to figure out how to be enough?
Disharmony to the fourth power!
Then, I think about why others around me are so successful…
What are they doing better than I?
How do they prioritize their time better and more effectively?
Why can’t I simplify my life?
Disharmony… but some important questions.
There is a lot going on at work. Mostly good, but a lot. My son wants to go to Peru for the Summer. It is an amazing opportunity for him. Truly. I am so proud of him for wanting to achieve and learn and expose himself to more. It is what I always wanted for him. But, it makes me sad. Our yearly camping trip with the boys will likely not include him. Life goes on. They get older.. I get older.
I start to go down this path of ME… What is “wrong” with me?
It is a lifelong issue with me.
I take on too much.
I have made this mistake before.
It almost destroyed me in college by taking too many classes.
I have learned to manage it better, and I can carry a big load, but then I start struggling with doing a superficial or inadequate job at many of my to dos.
I start to spiral…
I am working out less and have gained some weight – I need to work out more AND eat better.
I am not spending enough time with my boys – I need to do more of that.
I am not spending as much time on my company’s strategy because I am executing on some big initiatives – I need to get back to strategy.
I am not spending almost any time with friends – I miss that.
I am …
You get the drift. That is a dangerous spiral.
I can hear the pilots now on the AIRNESTOR…
WE ARE GOING DOWN… WE ARE IN A DIVE… WE ARE STARTING TO SPIN…
PULL UP CAP’N, PULL UP…
And, I spin and spiral… and my hands start to pull up hard on the controls…
I take deep breaths…
I try to bring myself into the moment…
ONE moment at a time…
I have a dear friend who once told me, “Life is about KILLING time, until you die.” I wholeheartedly disagreed, and yet, I didn’t. We are all going to die. And, we spend a lifetime trying to prevent it or at least postpone it…
We work out. We try to eat healthy. We put on our seat belts. We don’t take risks… Ah, I hate that one. I should take more risk… DIVE, DIVE…
Pull UP Cap’n
My life is not about “killing time”… my life is about “making time count”, but somewhere along the way, I become consumed with trying to do everything that crosses my mind…
As, I get older, I realize “making time count” means so many things… “enjoying more moments, helping those around me lead more meaningful lives, leaving nothing on the table… LIVE IT ALL”…
And, that is where the rub comes… How do I “enjoy more moments” and at the same time “optimize my life”? How do I “slow down” and still “accomplish lots”?
I am reading about Jack Daly, the popular sales guru, and I read about his life, and I question my ambition, my commitment, my drive, my energy… DIVE, DIVE…
PULL UP CAP’N…
But, I do…
“Comparison is the thief of joy” we read on facebook… and I AGREE…
But yet, a life committed to learning makes me consider it all, and some people are role models that we admire and aspire to…
Jack Daly is doing a marathon in every state, and then in every continent. I am doing one triathlon a year, and I have one this Sunday, and I haven’t been on my bike or in the pool for over 6 months…
I wish I could play more golf. I wish I could work out more. I wish I could create a clearer life strategy. I wish I made more money. I wish I didn’t have to sprint everywhere I go. I wish I was more organized. I wish I was stronger and didn’t have ups and downs. I wish… I wish…
DISHARMONY overflows…
Embrace the absolute truth…
RESET…
I wish that my brain had an OFF switch and I could power down - just for a few minutes. I know - I need to meditate - One more thing to add to the to dos. When many people that care about you tell you the same thing, you can't help but believe its true.
I know how to do this…
NEW MOMENT…
“How many people in the world would trade places with me?”…
Billions and billions…
Let’s try this again…
It’s right there… I can see it. I can feel it in the sunshine.
Never stop reaching for it... HARMONY... It only exists in the moment... so I am very possibly only a moment away...
PULL UP CAP'N
Yours today in the pursuit,
Nestor