OK… Today I am going to enter dangerous waters.
Why am I entering them?
First, because I think it is kind of fascinating.
Second, because I think it is truly a RIOT!
Why are they dangerous?
First, because I am touching on the tricky topic of marital relationships, which I am convinced is the most difficult place to aspire to and achieve harmony.
Second, because I am going to use an example that happened last night that my lovely betrothed (I hope she skips reading this post today ;-) might get angry about.
So, let me be clear up front, I am the issue in this whole event. I am the source of disharmony. She was truly wonderful that night.
If you have been married (and possibly if you haven’t) you may be able to relate.
THE SET UP…
It was theater night for my wife and I. We have season tickets and we enjoy going. We have tickets with another couple and we go the four of us about 5 times a season. The “idea” was that we would have nice, fun, delicious dinners together, trying different restaurants in Baltimore, then going to the show all holding hands and laughing.
The reality has been (we have gone to 4 so far) that we are always sprinting. We haven’t made it to dinner yet as a foursome, and its always a “Oh my God, I forgot the theater is tonight – kinda night.”
So, I have been a bit revved up lately. I was going out of town for Thursday and Friday, so I had a lot on my mind for Wednesday (i.e. packing, seeing the boys, wrapping up some work). Second, work has been very busy and most days at the end of the day, I am spent. Third, it rained what felt like 20 inches on Wednesday, so I had been driving home for 90 minutes, to jump into a car, pick up our friend and go to the theater.
We were running a little late – theater was at 8.
We left our house at about 6:50, and I could feel that I was a little stressed.
THE DRIVE…
I thought several times in my head in the 15 minutes that I was home…
“We should leave now.”
“I should really drive. I drive faster and its going to be tight.”
When we got to the point where we were leaving the house, I “had” to send a couple of emails. I knew this would mean Susy would drive, and she had generously and graciously offered to.” I decided to send my emails, knowing it was a pivotal decision for the next hour.
We got into the car, and she suggested I put music on, she was listening to news. That was lovely and I appreciated it. Listening to news makes me a little agitated at night (that is a post for a different time).
6:50 pm
We were on our way. Susy was driving. I was trying to breathe deep, enjoy the ride and the night. I had no idea what show we were going to see, and I secretly felt like staying home would have been lovely.
6:55 pm
We are driving through our friends neighborhood. It always surprises me how deep they live in their neighborhood, and Susy was driving 20 – 25 mph. Wow. The speed limit. It feels like we are standing still. Breathe, Nestor, breathe. We have time… I think.
We pick up our friend (her husband was going to meet us there as he was sprinting from some business trip). She tells us the play is supposed to be great. It won a Tony. Now, I want to go, and I want to be on time ;-)
7:01 pm
We asked our friend for the best way out of her neighborhood and she suggested a different route with fewer lights. I felt strangely better. Traffic is a little denser than we all thought.
7:09 pm
We are heading south (our destination is north) and my wife decides to NOT take the interstate to the beltway, but rather go an additional 3 miles to a different highway. Oooofff… I can feel my body tense up. That is 3 miles south and 3 miles north, minimum of 6 minutes without traffic. We should be fine. It is the route we discussed. She is enjoying the conversation with our friend, and I am struggling with the conversation with myself (should I have pushed harder to take the interstate to the beltway? You never know, maybe the beltway will be crazy busy. But the issue behind my angst is the thought “I wish I was driving.”
7:13 pm
We are starting to head East… progress… why am I so obsessed with this…
7:20 pm
Heading North… all good. Traffic is dense, but moving… Breathe.
7:25 pm
Traffic is slowing down. Left lane looks open. We are staying in the middle. Susy seems particularly relaxed (which is the way I always love and long to see her) but we need to be more opportunitistic… We were still miles away of where we could have cut in from the Beltway.
I wish I would have driven
I wish we would have taken the beltway
7:34 pm
In my head I am thinking… 6 minutes to park, 3 minutes to get tickets, 2 minutes to get to the theater, we need to be there by 7:49 to make it. We have 15 minutes. This is CODE RED. We need to move faster. Susy is chatting with our friends, smiling, and I am now in heightened alert. I could get us there on time… I think. I cant say too much. There is no reason to get into an argument… But the LEFT LANE is moving FASTER…
I wish I was driving
I wish we would have taken the beltway
I wish we were in the LEFT LANE
7:39 pm
We are making progress, but slow progress. We are going to be late.
OK… breathe.
Worst case, we’re late. Who cares… It’s just a play, and I don’t even know what its about. I can’t help myself, I am making suggestions…
“Honey, left lane looks open.”
“Hmm, left lane looks like its making progress’”
“We might want to consider getting into the left lane.”
We are holding steady. Clock is ticking, We are moving forward slowly…
This is NOT worth getting angry at each other. Keep your comments in check Nestor. I am trying… and so, my conversation goes on.
I am so amused at my own behavior… I see the line, I FEEL the line between “I wish I was driving, and the line of the truth is that you are not driving, you do not want to get into an argument with your wife, and though you want to be on time to the show, you aren’t going to be. But, you DEFINITELY don’t want to get into a disagreement with your wife.”
I am crazy amused at this point by my own behavior, by the impetus I feel to make my wishes known… but I know exactly how this will play out…
7:45 pm
OK this is nuts. The left lane is flying (or at least it feels like it is). So, I make a few more comments, and then the line is made VERY CLEAR.
“I GOT THIS NES.”
There is the line… and she is right… She does have this… She has it in a different way than I have it.
I am thinking… I am sure I could have gotten us there on time, or at least gotten us there faster. But, at what cost? I would be weaving in and out more. I would be going faster in down pouring rain. I am very confident we would have been fine “I always am”, but there is greater risk to my driving. I get that.
My wife is choosing safety over speed. That is intelligent.
But I can do both. “STOP THAT” – I have to tell my mind, and now my ego who is joining in the conversation.
Why is my desire to get there on time more important than her desire to get there possibly late but safe? It’s not.
I can do both. “STOP THAT.”
Even if I could do both, she would be stressed in the car. She would be stressed WISHING SHE WOULD HAVE DRIVEN, because she feels about safety what I feel about efficiency…
IF I had the situation I WISHED (me driving) for the end I wanted (To be there on time), would that then put my wife, who is right now relaxed and happy into a situation where she would we WISHING she would have driven?
Wow – I am getting dizzy. But, there is truth to this moment. The stress of disharmony from wishing a different situation affects your physiology…
This little drive is a small experiment that expands identically into the larger setting.
Which things do you wish for that affect your psychology?
Which things do you wish for that are in conflict with the people you love, or the people you work with?
How does that ultimately play out in your life? In your home? At your work? In your harmony? In your happiness?
THE LEFT LANE IS WIDE OPEN!!!
IF you are TRULY curious about your absolute truth, if you can truly explore it objectively, you can see them, you can curb and modify and adapt your behavior.
7:51 pm
We are definitely not going to be on time… I have settled into it. None of this is worth getting into a fight over. So far so good. I am pretty sure that my wife knows I am “anxious” and she is doing a spectacular job of ignoring my tones. She truly has an attitude that I long to see in her… she is accepting the situation and making the best of it. She GETS into the LEFT LANE! YES, YES, YES…. I love this woman…
7:53 pm
The RIGHT LANES where closed!!! I am jumping up and down inside… I knew left was the best… (EGO is jumping up and down). But, we are late. We get by the accident… with a few small little voices going off in my head.
8:00 pm
We pull up to the theater. Wow… so close… we could have been on time. STOP IT NESTOR … my inner voice says… AT WHAT COST?? I push, push harder than usual to park the car… “I can sprint from the car to the theather and minimize our tardiness” I am thinking. My wife finally accepts my offer. PLUS, its still raining, and it really does seem like the gentlemanly thing to do… to drop her off close to the door.
8:01 pm
Found a good space nearby. I am out in the rain… sprinting.
8:03 pm
I get to the theater. Nobody is anywhere. I find out the theater is on the fourth floor. I fly up the stairs to the fourth floor – no ticket – looking for my wife and friend. Get to the theater. Noone around except the ticket taker.
“Have you seen two ladies?”
“NO”
REALLY? Where are they?
I go to the bar and they are getting two drinks….
I am amused, wired, wound up… I LOVE that she is still moving at the pace she is choosing, that she truly seems to be enjoying the moment…
8:09 pm
We walk up with our tickets and enter the theater.
The play was fun. We didn’t really miss anything. She drove safely. We didn’t get into a fight or even any argument. She had a good conversation with our friend.
ALL OF THAT unnecessary stress, angst, energy spent by me WISHING… for a different situation… IF I could have embraced it all… it would have been so much more enjoyable.
What kinds of things does my wife WISH for in our lives that causes her angst? What things do I wish for that cause me disharmony?
You feel so OUT OF CONTROL when you are wishing for different situations… you live so frustrated… It is so hard to enjoy the moment… to be grateful when you are wishing…
This little example was so telling.
Because I try to live aware of all of this – I enjoyed the ride. I was amused by it. But, it was real feelings… and if I wasn’t working hard, we would have gotten into an ugly argument.
How many of us get into those arguments because we don’t see them coming… ?
10:30 pm
The play was great. My wife lets me drive home. I am tired. I back our car up and bump the car behind us. It’s a small bump, but we are on a steep hill. To me, it feels like a small bump, to her, I am sure it feels like a LOUD CRASH. It’s her car, her fairly new car.
I feel horrible. After all of this up and down tonight… now I GET to DRIVE, and I screw it up!
My ego tries to chime in – it’s a small bump, that is what bumpers are for? Who cares if your bumper is perfect?... but that is my EGO trying to make me feel better….
I feel BAD… The last thing in the world I want to do is make her feel like I am being careless with her things. Because, I know she may associate that with a lack of concern, care or respect for her.
Now, I drive home wishing, WISHING that she had driven. I didn’t see that car behind us. I thought it was farther. I was tired. I was rushing. I was on a hill.
How, IRONIC…
I so deeply WISHED I was driving going there…
Now, I got to drive home, and I WISHED I hadn’t…
I noticed that WISHING for me alone (wishing that I would have driven) was disturbing….
BUT, it didn’t feel nearly as bad as WISHING I hadn’t disappointed someone.
The drive home wasn’t amusing. I couldn’t make light of it in my head, because now, it wasn’t just me in momentary disharmony. I had created disharmony in my wife, and I could never make light of that. I cant be amused by that dynamic.
We got home. There was a little ding, a small little mark on the bumper. My ego suggested it was tiny. My rational self realized that there was a mark. There was a scar that would remind me of tonight for a long, long time. Small or big, it was my doing... my disharmony.
She was great. She kept things in perspective. She was clearly disappointed, but she kept it in check. She didn’t make me feel bad about it.
The whole night… she accepted it. She was very much in a “it is what it is” mode, and making the most of the whole evening.
I was Mr. Disharmony for most of the night.. fighting to keep it in check.
I was driving Ms. Harmony that night…
And, she taught me lots of lessons, and she kept me smiling all night.
Until the end…
I need to stop wishing I didn’t drive home…
Harmony can be amusing. It can be exhausting. But it is always right there, right in front of you, right in this very moment.
Driving Miss Harmony…
What a night!
Yours in harmony,
Nestor