This past week, I spent two days with 5 dear friends from college. We talked about many things, and about many things we talked about passionately.
They are intelligent and successful men, and I found myself at odds with them in conversation often.
One of the notable differences between us, was what we considered “hard”.
“Parenting is hard” someone said, and I disagreed, but I was alone in my opinion.
“Changing culture in a company is hard” someone said, and I disagreed, and I was alone in my opinion.
I don’t remember all of the topics.
Then, one of my friends said, “What do you find HARD, Nestor? If all of these things are easy?”
I never said they were EASY!
Then, I heard someone say, “Only what is ‘hard’ for Nestor, does he consider ‘hard’!”
It made me think…
“What is triggering me to push on these topics?”
“What is HARD?”
“Why?”
I felt a little bad, because I should know enough to know that what is hard to some, may not be hard to others.
Who the heck am I to be the owner of the definition of “HARD”?
Here is what I do know, when I hear the word “hard”, to me it means difficult. And, in my opinion there are two basic types of difficult.
1. Difficult are the things that are “complex” in nature, and thus complicated to resolve and understand. (i.e. what is the acceleration of a 3 lb soccer ball that is punted off a plane flying North at 35,000 feet off the ground with a Southwest wind going 100 mph 10 seconds after it bounces off the ground?)
2. Difficult are the things that require discipline / will over time, and thus are challenging to maintain focus, stamina. (i.e. teaching yourself to hold your breath for 5 minutes or never again eating your favorite food or never again seeing a person you love).
I realize that we all get to decide what is “hard” for us. I don’t get to decide for people, what is hard and what isn’t.
But, why do I have this visceral reaction against calling things “hard”?
What the heck is “HARD” and where is the line between “hard” and “easy”? There is NO line. It’s completely subjective and defined by ourselelves… where that line is between hard and easy.
SO, WHY NOT LEVERAGE THAT REALITY to our advantage? To the advantage of optimizing the possibility of success and happiness?
I completely get that things are harder or easier… but it’s a continuum. And, pre-classifying them always puts them higher on the scale!
If you need to preclassify them… always preclassify them as simpler – and then give them ALL YOU’VE GOT!
It gives the best possible probability of the least anxious and simplest outcome… even if in hindsight, it was “harder” than you thought.
I get it.
My point as I think about it further, is not that things aren’t “hard”. My point is that thinking about things as “hard” makes them, in my opinion, that much harder.
When we think a complicated issue is going to be hard and complicated… I believe we make it even harder. We eliminate from ourselves the possibility that there is some simpler path to understanding, resolution and completion.
I don’t see any advantage in standing before a situation and admiring its daunting size and complexity.
From that standpoint, I respect and admire every situation. I respect that each and every situation has the possibility of being complex and trying. I respect that every situation requires the best of us and all of our consideration.
I approach all situations in a very similar way. I evaluate myself after most situations in a very similar way.
“Sizing them up” ahead of time is unnecessary.
I watch my kids, I watch my colleagues, I watch my friends. We are as capable as we are. The situations that we face are as complex as they are.
Harmony and life have taught me that I can overcome any situation. They have taught me that simple situations can turn hard and hard situations can have simple solutions.
I respect that some things will be more difficult than others.
But, the way I see the world, I only reflect on things as “hard” in retrospect.
I see no value in sizing up my situations ahead of time.
Parenting is simple, and it does some hard moments and situations.
Setting strategy for a company is simple, and it does have some hard and difficult moments and situations.
Each of us is a complex being.
Each of us is unique and the blend of empathy, selfishness, ambition, intelligence, altruism, philosophy and values makes us so very complex.
And, whenever I approach anyone, I approach them in a very simple and consistent way.
To my friends – I love you… and I have no right to tell you what is HARD and what isn’t. I can only tell you from my very core and with every ounce of my confidence, that I see no value from pre-identifying any aspect of our lives in its entirety as hard.
I have seen human beings in the most difficult of situations, with tell their stories, and explain their ability to be grateful for their lives. I have seen so many real stories of people with such great disabilities overcome their hardships and explain their life and success and happiness in SIMPLE terms.
There is that video of the boy born without arms, who today is an adult designing auto parts driving himself to work, and living a full and happy life. He suggests its simple.
I have seen a father after the death of his teenage daughter speaks to his ability to see past her death, in great grief, and define it as simple.
I KNOW the human spirit can endure anything.
Those of us that have been blessed with the ability to live in the United States, with the gift of an education… with health, with wealth (of all kinds), with love, with friends…
I do not dare call any aspect of my life hard, for it feels so deeply ungrateful.
“WHAT IS HARD?”… one of my friends asked me?
I think what is hard is to be forced to live by someone else’s values. I think it is hard to watch anyone truly suffer. I think it is hard to watch, to witness or to feel injustice, or evil.
There are aspects of our lives that our more complex than others… but be careful not to make them any more complicated than they need to be. Be careful not to preclude their complexity eliminating the possibility of simple solutions….
I stand by my comments. The line between hard and easy is subjective and arbitrary. I NEVER suggested that anything is easy… I merely refused to classify entire categories of efforts as hard. I see no value in the classification….
Be careful that precluding things as “hard” may prevent you from fully leveraging your will, your intellect, and your ability to see them in simple ways.
Yours in harmony,
Nestor