Harmony and disharmony happen in the moment…
We’ve established that ;-)
But even though we EXPERIENCE disharmony in the moment – it comes from three different time frames.
Disharmony can come from the past, the present and the future…
Understanding where the disharmony that you are feeling comes from – gives you the power to disarm it.
1. THE PAST
We sometimes call it regret. “WISHING” we had done things differently. “Wishing” is always the core of disharmony. It’s human nature – but its manageable and controllable human nature.
Wishing we’d had better guidance growing up.
Wishing we’d been born earlier / later.
Wishing we’d majored in something different.
That we’d paid more attention in school…
We’d done more before we got married.
We’d married someone different…
Gotten married sooner/ gotten married later…
Taken more risk…
Taken less risk…
Taken that great job… or passed on it.
Left that job earlier… or stayed longer.
Traveled more…
WHATEVER…
Just wishing something about the past was different than it is…
The past is the past. As Simone said to Pumbah in the “Lion King”, “You’ve gotta put the past behind you!”
We cannot change the past. And, any moment that we spend wishing the past wasn’t what it is is a wasted moment.
There is a line between LEARNING from our past, versus wishing our past had been different. Taking the lessons from our experience allows us to execute better in the now – that is valuable.
But, BE CAREFUL… It’s a slippery slope. Where does reflecting on the past for lessons end, and the regret begin?
We must learn to embrace the past. The past is what made us – it defines who we are today. Think of all of the amazing people you wouldn’t have met, if some of your wishes had been fulfilled….
Of course, if there is something truly troublesome about your past… something that continues into your present… and you know it must change – then ACT ON IT in the now and change it… but the fact that it has existed, is what it is.
We think the grass is greener on the other side of our decisions– but heck sometimes the grass isn’t even legal on the other side of the fence ;-)
Listen to the song “Unanswered Prayers” by Garth Brooks. It always makes me smile.
There is NO value that we can get from wishing the past was different.
EMBRACE YOUR PAST – as it is what has made you who you are… and it’s the very best you’ve got to work with… SO, accept it!
2 – THE PRESENT – THE NOW
This one happens quickly… and it’s also around wishing…
A few weeks ago, I was at church and the sermon was going on forever and I wished I was somewhere else… and it bothered me so… I felt the disharmony.
When we wish we hadn’t decided to go, or had. When we wish we had invited or hadn’t invited that friend.
Wishing it would stop raining, or start.
Wishing it would not be so hot, or so cold. (this one always makes me smile… just wait – you’ll be complaining again in a few degrees)…
For me, it happens when I have to compromise. If I have to leave for a business trip and miss a kid’s event, or I have to decide between two events or meetings or whatever…. It causes me to wonder – did I make the right choice?
I wish I would have chosen the other.
For example, we just had our yearly camping trip with my sons. This is the first year that we went with my two younger sons, as my older son is in Peru on an internship. We could only go for 3 days instead of the usual 5 because I had been out of country.
We were leaving for the trip, and I felt it. I felt “I wish we could have left Sunday and gotten the full 5 days… I wish all 4 men where together this week.” And, I let it pass. Then I heard my son say, “This is going to be a really short trip right dad, only 3 days?”
So, we had a great conversation. I said, “It is only 3 days… I was just thinking that… but lets focus on being in every moment and being grateful for it. Let’s smell the fire, lets listen to the waves, lets enjoy the breeze… lets not think about it as 3 days, lets think about it as thousands of moments that are a gift.
And, regarding my oldest son, he is getting to have the experience of a lifetime. He is enjoying family and a great work experience in Peru, and I am grateful that I am able to make that happen for him.
So, we’ll enjoy our moments here while he enjoys his moments there.
I am writing this to you having just gotten back home from the trip. We had a blast. We relaxed. We laughed,. We had great weather. We had some new experiences. We ended it with a beautiful dinner at Kent Island, sitting by marina on a clear night and had a delicious meal. I could see it in the boys faces… it was great fun… and the tradition continues. “I love you boys…. Love you more than anything… thank you for being so excited about this trip” I toasted at dinner. They smiled back and spoke with kindred spirit. It was a fun and exhausting 3 days… it would have been so silly to waste any of it wishing it was anything different.
2. THE FUTURE
Ah, if I can have a favorite kind of disharmony, it would be this one ;-)
Why?
Because this is the kind of disharmony that you have the best ability to do something about.
Disharmony about the future comes in the form of doubt or fear… It can come in the form of “wishing”. I wish I knew how something was going to turn out… Wishing to know how something is going to turn out is either wishing time would move faster, or wishing an eventuality would change. You almost never control the timing of an eventuality, and NEVER EVER wish for moments to go by faster... life moves fast enough as it is. If you figure out how to enjoy your moments - you'll never want to accelerate them. LIVE them and FEEL them... THAT is the whole point!
Most of the future disharmony (felt in the now coming from the future) comes from FEAR…
Fear of not having enough money
Fear of getting fired
Of failure (if you hope to live a life of impact – then you better expect to deal with this one!)
of plateauing
of never experiencing love
of breaking up
of staying together
of being betrayed
of something happening to your kids….
of dying (this one is going to happen – so get used to it)
of getting some specific sickness
of never fulfilling your dreams
of living too long
of living too short…
Or, my own personal favorite, fear of wasting time…
We can FEAR so many things.
The world is a scary place – and things can and do happen, but why waste your happiness or your moments worrying about it before they do.
Things will happen - and you will feel sadness and you will suffer. That is life. And, we are strong enough to handle it. That is the truth. But, why spend any more time in those emotions than necessary. LIve in harmony! Meaning - choose to live in happiness in every possible moment by choosing not to fear, and then live through the challenging moments, through the sad moments... and accept that they are part of life.
"Wishing" bad things never happened to you doesnt get you anywhere. It's as effective as wishing you could change the past. It's irrational. Live happy. Make the best decisions that you can, and play your hand from there.
I love Buddhism's teachings - the first concept of Buddhism is that life includes suffering. If you accept that - you dont fear it. I am not saying that I welcome bad things. I am saying - I dont deal with them until I have to - and then I navigate through them as best as i can.
I am not saying its not human to fear. It is.
I am not saying its not easy to choose not to. It's not.
But, I am saying - you can choose, and you can build up your mindset and your behavior to live a stronger, more purposeful, happier life... and you can accomplish that by being mindful of your harmony in the moment.
And, the reality is that bad things, difficult times, for most of us, happen for few of our overall moments (unless we waste a ton of happy moments worrying about them ahead of time).
You’ve heard the quote, “I’ve lived through so many tragedies and hardships and a few actually happened…” Why would we do that to ourselves?
Now, in management and in life – planning is essential. Considering what could go wrong so that you can be prepared if it does – is a valuable and important part of being an adult…
But, again… BE CAREFUL… considering the possibilities and the potential and then setting possible courses of action is astute 0- but that doesn’t require bringing the reality of that emotion into your moment – and playing it out in your mind… possibly subconsciously so….
Don’t lose yourself in fear, or in doubt… Doubt is wondering if you will “be enough”…
Well, instead of wasting moments wondering – why not act on moments and give it all you’ve got. Whatever it is that “could concern you” – ACT on it NOW…
All except of course, failure and death – those two will happen…
There are various people and quote that speak to death certainly, few better than Steve Jobs did at his Stanford address… the realization that we are going to die – makes us much more likely to live with awareness of the gift of every moment.
We are all going to die – GIVEN. We don’t know when…. So – GET ON WITH IT!
I do believe other than acting with gratitude… two things do help with the fear of death…
First, live every moment with presence. Be present in every moment possible. Don’t let them go by – expecting to have endless moments… because you wont. And, even if you have decades and decades left – why waste a moment? SO LIVE IN THE PRESENT – and ENJOY the GIFT of the TIME we have… Life is so much more fun in the present.
Second, live a life with purpose. Live your life so that if you do die unexpectedly tomorrow (or today)… the first thougth through your mind is, I did some good and I am grateful for it. Take advantage of the now to help those you love and care about… HECK help everyone in some way…
Live your life WITH PURPOSE and while you may wish to live for a long time – you will not regret it the day its over…
Disharmony happens in the moment… and when you feel it… dig in. Figure out what you are wishing for? Where is it coming from? Is it regret? Is it wishing the moment was different? Or is it fear or doubt about the future…?
And, when you figure it out – disarm it…
If its your past, learn to accept it. Learn to embrace who you are. Realize that the alteratives weren’t necessarily better – they were just different. And, regardless, history is SET.
If its your present, learn to have patience to appreciate it… learn to broaden your context to caring about the bigger issues and challenges… so that the smaller stuff stays THE SMALLER STUFF… and learn to see the beauty in the moment…. There is always beauty and opportunity there waiting to be seen… And, where there is opportunity – change your present.
And, lastly THE FUTURE…
If you are paralyzed by fear or doubt… ACT ON IT…
If your disharmony comes from the future… DIG DEEP and MAKE IT DIFFERENT from your fears. Whatever you fear – conquer. Whatever you doubt – work on it. Turn thoughtful concern into effective action.
I feel it … often…
Doubt more than anything…
But I push out QUICKLY… I stop it cold….
“So, what am I going to DO about it NOW?
Am I doing enough today to make my dreams come true?
If not, why not? Change it…
If yes, then why doubt – just execute and keep executing….”
From one moment to the next you can change….
CONFIDENCE in the truest sense of the word is to believe in yourself…
Believe in yourself to convince yourself out of doubt…
Sure, terrible things might happen to me – but life has taught me that I am strong enough to handle them. Man is strong enough to handle anything…. We always have….
Think about some of the mental, physical and emotional stress and pressure that man has had to deal with – and he has so often perseveared.
It is not that I don’t think I will fail – I hope to fail. If I am living the life I want – a life of growth and meaning – then I must attempt and if I attempt I will occasionally fail.
It is not that I don’t think that I will deal with hardships… I suspect that I will… but why worry about them and lose precious moments before things happen. Live safe – don’t take unnecessary risk… and LIVE your LIFE.
It is not that I don’t think that I will die… I know that I will and I am grateful for the moments, the experience and the journey that I have enjoyed. I know that I will die – which is why I work to not wait to say the things I feel need to be said. I am working everyday and in every moment to leave a mark… leave some positive mark upon my world… and when my time comes up… So be it… I can’t control when it comes – but I can control how I show up in my NOW… in the gift of my NOW…
So – live consciously of harmony and disharmony in your moments…
Understand where your disharmony may be coming from – so that you can answer the question that it is begging to ask. And, ultimately, disarm it!
Disarm it with acceptance of who you are.
Disarm it with patience and gratitude in the moment…
And, disarm it with confidence and courage and purpose for the future….
Embrace death and failure and enjoy the ride…
Not the past, nor the present, nor the future disharmony shall keep you from your happiness…
Disharmony OR harmony happens in the moment.
Be mindful of the source…
Yours in harmony,
Nestor