It bothers me…
Several times in the past week, I have been told by one person or another, some form of, “You have had such a difficult hand in life.” “Poor you.”
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Why do we have to go there?
“POOR ME?”
NEVER!
Why do people feel like difficult moments, sad moments, challenging decisions make for a “hard life”?
It unnerves me. And, I know they mean well, but it is SO wrong!
I am one of the luckiest people in the world! And, I virtually NEVER forget that.
But, being lucky doesn’t mean being exempt from difficult decisions and sadness. Heck, having those is part of what makes me lucky!
My parents are getting older. As you may have read.
My mom has Alzheimer’s and is drifting away.
My father is 86 and is depressed and defeated and physically limping along.
So, it IS sad. It is VERY sad. It’s sad because I feel like they are my children, but unlike with my kids, there is no “bright” future ahead (at least not on this earth, and I don’t believe in a world beyond this one). So, its sad.
My heart hurts for them.
It hurts because my dad was never able to shift his mindset around when he was younger to anchor in gratitude. He stayed anchored in fear and selfishness. He meant well, but he got stuck. He is afraid of everything – of getting sick, of living too long, of being alone, of being robbed, of running out of money… I am so sorry for him.
My mom is in a wonderful place, and drifting away. She is in a place where people care about her, and she is generally happy. I think she feels free – at long last. And, it is sad to see her eyes wonder into nothingness. She was a powerful woman. She was a passionate woman. And seeing her drift and knowing that our relationship will continue to fade is sad.
But, that is LIFE! Life is sad AND happy.
I can be very sad. My heart can hurt deeply. And, I can be grateful and continue to feel blessed and lucky.
WE DON’T HAVE TO BE SWEPT AWAY ONLY IN SADNESS… We experience sadness, and I think we’re robbing ourselves of something beautiful if we try to bypass it. And, we can be grateful for knowing and feeling.
I get to live! How could I not be grateful and feel lucky!
My sisters had Muscular Dystrophy (actually Spinal Atrophy). They died at 7 and 15. I got to live.
Their memory makes me sad, but it is a GIFT. It makes me realize that living is NOT a given. They helped me realize that health and strength are not GIVENS. They are GIFTS!
I got to watch my parents grow old. I have been able to watch them and learn from them, unfortunately too often from bad examples, but very often from good ones.
My children have known their grandparents.
I have the ability to fly to Peru and see how they are doing. I have the flexibility and the means to be present.
I have the ability to CHOOSE to help them financially, and the means to be able to do it.
I have a family who cares like crazy about them.
My parents have through some good fortune and some planning managed to have some assets that are helping tremendously throught this time.
An “American” caliber nursing home was built in Peru, with some very caring people, RIGHT when my mother desperately needed a place to go.
I have aunts and cousins who look after my mother as if she was their own. Who make sure she is taken care of and has everything that she needs.
IS THIS A HARD LIFE? Is this a bad hand? Or, a difficult hand?
I was taken to the United States – and have the opportunity to dream, and explore, and learn and challenge myself and push myself…. And reach for my highest possible self.
I was born into a democracy and have enjoyed FREEDOM my whole life.
For all of their faults, my parents have loved me – and I know that I am the accomplishment they are most proud of.
I am reasonably intelligent. That is such a tremendous gift. I am aware and able to make my life better with every day that passes.
I have a beautiful, healthy and loving family!
I have reached an advanced level of mindfulness. I live grateful. I get what matters. I get to impact the world around me.
Not for a SECOND do I feel – EVER – like POOR ME…
And, while the comments are well intended, they bother me – NOT FOR ME, but for the people who make them. Because that is how they feel about their lives. They don’t see the big, amazing picture.
We are all going to die. That is the absolute truth.
But, the level to which we are going to live – is what we have some say over…
And, so many people DON’T have nearly the same level of fortune.
To live a life of harmony, we must NEVER confuse difficult moments with a difficult life. We must NEVER confuse SADNESS with a lack of fortune. And, I would argue, we should never bypass sadness or grief for apathy. We should never bypass feeling for not feeling.
It breaks my heart to see my father…
To see the fear in his eyes…
To sense the loneliness in his glance….
But, his approach to life has been my inspiration for harmony.
It is ironic and tragic, but true.
And, in some weird way, I think he is more alive now than ever. I think he is more vulnerable. I think he is more humble. I think he is more open.
When I left him last night, I hugged him tight and long.
I hugged him longer than he has ever hugged me,
Because I knew he needed it.
Because I love him, and I want him to feel that love…
Beyond the awkwardness.
Because I could feel his tears against my cheeks and because I realize that one of these days, likely in the not too distant future, I won’t be able to hug him…
Tears flowed and flowed as I rode off in the taxi…
We’ve been on a long journey together he and I.
His disharmony used to weigh heavy on me. I felt responsible for it. I don’t anymore. I realize we cannot create each other’s harmony.
We are on our own to find our harmony.
I can bring him harmony in our relationship.
I can’t make him stop fearing the things that he fears,
But I can help him know that his son loves him.
I am grateful to feel.
I am grateful to choose.
I am grateful to live…
NEVER EVER confuse sadness for a lack of fortune.
I am one of the luckiest people n the world…. And I try not to forget that… ever.
Harmony starts by embracing your absolute truth… ALL of your absolute truth… in every moment.
Yours in harmony,
Nestor