I try to live my life without regret, and by and large, I now generally do…
Most of the time…
This week I was reminded just how important it is to me, to tell those whom I love, how much they mean to me.
I have a beautiful, generous, energetic, caring and loving cousin who is literally only 2 months younger than I am. We grew up together.
She grew up as the daughter of divorced parents, at a time and in a place where being divorced was highly unusual. She grew up in Peru, where divorces back in the ‘70s were almost unheard of…
She is always, always smiling…
She went to college in Boston, and I never made an attempt to go see her. That was silly.
I always see her when I go to Peru. She is always trying new things, always trying to get the family together, always ready to party, always makes me feel missed and welcomed and loved.
She came to China when we lived there. She has two beautiful daughters. She is always asking me about sending my boys to Peru and offering to have them stay with her.
She owned her own company. She was a mover and a shaker. She liked to live large – but in her eyes and in her smile, I knew that above all else she loved being part of the family. It was always so very, very important to her… Above all else.
When she found out my mom was struggling with Alzheimer’s she immediately scheduled to have a car come out and pick up my mom and take her to spend time with her mom, who was also sick. She took her mom in, because she also suffered from Alzheimers. They went to the movies.
Every time I saw her – she initiated LOVE – she demanded me to be PRESENT – she admired my children and my wife – she made me feel RICH – she made me feel SPECIAL… She brought life to every moment I spent with her.
My cousin had a stroke two weeks ago, and has been sedated ever since. It turns out two days after her stroke, she had a second stroke on the other side of her brain. As I understand it today, it appears, she will never wake up.
I know we are all going to die. I am very ok with that.
But, she wasn’t done living yet. And, I wasn’t done, in fact, I have never started telling her how much I admired her. She is so very strong. She is driven. She is inspired. And, she loves life. Oh how she loves life…
I took her smile for granted.
I never told her how proud I was of her.
I took her love for granted.
I took her energy for granted.
And, every time I would see her… she would give me even more.
It appears the only thing left to do is pray.
I wish I had spoken up sooner. I wish I would have told her how much I loved her, and how much the way she showed up in the world, and in my world meant to me.
I don’t like wishing… and I try to spend very little time in it…
But, I wish she’d get better. I wish she’d open her eyes so that I could tell her many things.
The absolute truth is that she very likely never will.
I want to live a life with no regrets… so I will tell the world about her. I will tell you about her and what a beautiful woman she is. I will tell her children. I will tell her friends. I will tell her when I see her next, if I see her next, and I will hope that she can hear me. The truth is that she probably wont.
I will hold her and love her in my heart… now and always. And, I will think of her, when I see people I love and remind myself to tell them just how much.
I don’t know exactly what happens from here… and despite the momentary disharmony… I will wish that she get better… I will wish that you'd wake up... Even if it makes the sadness last longer… I wish I could have one more opportunity to tell you the beautiful light that you have been for those who love you... I wish I would have told you how very amazing you were and how much I loved you...
I will pray…
I will embrace the truth that I likely will never see your smile again, never hear your laughter or the care in your voice...
And I will work harder in my moments to come to tell those I love, just how much I do.... thank you for that...
Sadly...
I am grateful for every breath.
I am grateful for every moment.
And, I am gratefully yours,
Nestor