Time in the car… the ultimate test of a relationship ;-)
Today, my family and I spent the day driving a fair distance, through mountains and down to our destination for several hours…
I often spend a lot of time inside my head on car rides.
Mindful of harmony – today I failed at it.
I was in a bit of a hurry (as I tend to be) trying to get to a conference call on time.
I was driving fast down new roads.
Not TOO fast in my opinion.
Definitely TOO fast in my love’s opinion.
In years past, I took it personally. When I saw her brace around turns, I took it as a sign that she didn’t trust me, that she didn’t think that I was a good driver.
In my head, I would hear her “wishing I drove better”. In my mind I would think, “I have never gotten in an accident with her in the car”, “I am a responsible and careful driver”, “Sure, I take risks, but they are calculated risks and I was very focused today.”
I have this entire conversation in my head.
Ultimately, I “WISH” that she would trust me enough NOT TO WORRY… and, as you know by now, “wishing” is disharmony.
I now don’t take it personally. I realize that she is scared. Not necessarily that I will make a mistake, though that COULD happen, EVEN IF I am a good driver. But others could also come into our lane, or a tire could blow out.
So, she has a right to be scared when we are barreling down the highway, coming down the mountain, at high speeds in dense traffic.
She can be scared and I don’t have to take it personally…
BUT
BUT
BUT
I am wishing she would trust my driving and relax.
She, on the other hand, is wishing that she lives through this current ride.
So, we are both at odds… Both in some level of disharmony.
I am there wishing that she would give me credit for driving even though I am tired, but she is just wishing to live to see tomorrow!
If I am rational, and intelligent (which I try to pretend to be whenever I get a chance)… I would realize my wishing is largely my choice, her wishing is out of fear. And, there is RISK when we are driving fast, and I do drive carefully, but also aggressively.
So, I had a choice today. I could have slowed down. She asked me to several times.
And, I did. I was going slower than I wanted to go, but still faster than she wanted me to go.
I knew we were in disharmony - and we were both trying to meet in the middle. She was trying not to say anything, and I was trying to drive slower… but I know I spent some “harmony” points on that drive. I spent quite a few.
Why can’t I be generous enough, selfless enough to just SLOW way down? If I could, it would lead to better harmony between us.
Life isn’t so simple.
Maybe I would be happier and find more harmony if I did make it that simple.
She’s uncomfortable with this speed… slow the hell down!
I hope to be that guy someday. That guy that can be grateful enough to put my own desire to push on the shelf. My own desire to do more than is ideally possible. My own desire to thread the needle of just enough disharmony on one side (driving fast) to meet just enough harmony on the other side (make the conference call in time) and thread the needle of harmony between “spouse peace of mind” and “husband trying to stay connected to work while on time off” peace of mind.
I chose disharmony today in that moment, and I know that I need to do better.
Everything is very fine… but those little moments add up. Those little moments of disharmony matter. They build up and need to be diffused by other moments of harmony.
I need to keep maturing.
I need to be more selfless.
I need to make better choices to reach a higher harmony.
I need to slow down… not because I am a bad driver, but because slowing down will show my gratitude more clearly, slowing down will show my consideration more deliberately…
And, then there are my boys who are in the back. Part of me likes the idea that they are seeing dad drive fast and well. The other part of me hates the idea that somehow I am showing them that my desire to drive fast is more important than my love’s concern for our safety. Or, that they may believe that driving fast is really ok and they will drive at greater risk because of my example.
The absolute truth is always complex…
But ultimately the behavior required is often simple…
I should slow down… I should show more consideration…
As mindful as I am about harmony… there are days… there are moments when ego still wins out…
It truly is a process of on-going harmonization ;-)
I am working on it… and I am trying to grow up.
Sorry love. I will do better.
Time in the car. The ultimate test for a relationship ;-)
Yours in harmony,
Nestor