The WISHING Voice…
I know I am not there.
I know it because the voice lingers.
When I was in college I had the opportunity of doing a presentation with a gifted and inspired administrator. We talked about RACISM. She had a little talk she gave and spoke about the fact that with respect to race differences, there are four levels of evolution:
1. Awareness
2. Acceptance
3. Appreciation
4. Celebration
I liked that. I liked it a lot.
In fact, when I was with Procter & Gamble early on (first year or so) we had to write “monthlies” which were monthly updates to share with directors and VPs. I never knew exactly what the objective was beyond communicate relevant ideas.
Most engineers wrote about case studies of things they had seen or done with respect to their jobs. People wrote about the development of new technologies, optimization of efficiency and reliability of equipment, exploring formulas of vibration curves, and new developments in the production supply chain.
And, one month, I decided to write about race differences.
I should have known early on that “hard core engineering” wasn’t really my thing ;-)
I never heard much from that “monthly”, but soon thereafter they talked to me about the relevance of my writing. They liked me, and I was effective, but I solved most of my technical problems through people, not through technology.
It was just how I rolled ;-)
Just recently, a friend of mine gave me “The Idiot’s Guide to Buddhism”, which I am slowly journeying through. I like it. I really like it. And, it talks about different levels of spirituality. And, with each level comes a new stage of enlightenment. I have always loved the idea of progression.
Truth is, as we grow, we evolve, we mature.
When I speak about harmony, I try to always start by telling people that I am no “expert”, I am just a student sharing my homework.
I have become crazy aware of it.
I do accept it fully for the power and breath of its application universally to life and business in theory, and I am still working on applying it more consistently.
I am extremely grateful for having reached this awareness and understanding.
But if there is a “celebration” level, I only touch on it momentarily.
I really believe that in the evolution of understanding racial differences, evolving our spirituality and achieving harmony, there are levels of BEING.
I don’t pay attention to the wishing voice, very often, but it is still there.
It is the voice that when I don’t have plans finalized for my business tells me that I am not smart enough.
It is the voice that when my boys are playing too much screen tells me that I am not present enough as a father.
It is the voice that when I step on the scale, tells me that I am not disciplined enough.
It is the voice that still questions so vehemently whether I will ever truly “succeed” or “be” enough.
I think most of us have this voice.
Mine has been like a long term abusive relationship.
I have never allowed it to defeat me over time, but it puts up a hell of an argument in the moments ;-)
I have come so very far with harmony. I apply it more explicitly than ever.
I see it and witness it…
impact lives,
solve problems,
set direction,
create trust,
enable peace
drive understanding
inspire happiness…
I DO. I HAVE.
And, so I keep driving in that direction, knowing that the closer I get the sunnier it gets.
Knowing with complete conviction that there is rainbow and a sunset and long strolls along the beach that await.
And, I believe that when I get there…
The “Wishing” voice will be gone.
It won’t be, as it is now, that I hear it but pay little attention to it.
It won’t be, as it is now, that it still steals moments from me.
It won’t be, as it is now, that in my heart of hearts, it still creates a little doubt about whether I am worthy of happiness and success.
It does so for moments at a time, and then the voice of harmony speaks up.
The voice of harmony is like the man your mom always hoped you’d marry ;-)
It is
strong,
confident,
caring,
inclusive,
gracious,
rational,
considerate,
effective,
and
inspired.
But, we are human beings, and until we truly mature and rise above our own doubt…
We hear the voice of wishing…
It’s all part of the growing process.
I am grateful for what I know.
I am grateful for who I am.
And, I remain committed to what I WANT.
I WANT to no longer hear that “voice of wishing”.
I WANT to know in every moment that I am enough.
And, the only way I will get there is to not only hear the “voice of harmony”, not only acknowledge it, accept it, appreciate it and apply it.
I have to OWN it. I have to BE it. I have to CELEBRATE it.
I like the idea, that celebration is achievement.
It’s perhaps the reason celebration has always felt foreign to me.
I have always shrugged off compliments and milestones.
Because in those moments, the voice of wishing & the voice of doubt give it all they’ve got.
It is my life’s purpose to silence the voice of wishing and disharmony… in myself, and to the extent that I can get others to climb the mountain with me… in those that come along. We walk up the mountain, one step and one moment at a time.
I want to someday stand on a mountain top… and throw the ashes of the voice of wishing into the wind…
And, I will.
I am making my way up the mountain as we speak.
Yours in harmony,
Nestor